When I wouldn’t let you kiss me in public because I was uncomfortable.
2. When I said no because I wasn't ready.
3. When I got worried because you would never text back.
4. When I was sad.
5. When I was sad.
6. When I was sad.
7. When my happiness was an inconvenience for you.
8. When I was too clingy.
9. When I wasn't clingy enough.
10. When I stopped loving you.

I tore a page out of my notebook and I burned it.
I tore another page out and I burned that too.
I ripped out every single page and burned each one.
But it wasn't enough.

So I tore the pictures from my wall and watched the faces melt away.
But I could still feel the need for destruction in the pit of my stomach.

So I put a joint to my lips and watched the smoke escape from my mouth.
But not even that could soothe my pain.

So I ran.
And I ran.
And I ran.
And as I ran I set fire to all the trees and bushes.
And as I sat there in the chaos I had caused I realised,
Nothing could burn the memory of you out of my brain.

You told me you cared.

And I asked you, why?

With your hands holding tight to my wrists you said,
No one deserves to go down that dark road.
Not alone at least.

I'm not dragging you down with me so I pushed you away.

Too late, you replied.
As we began falling.
I've already followed you down the rabbit hole, you said while smiling.

There are three types of heartaches

Heartache #1
The heartache where you were never loved back.
He’d look at you and smile but you know the sparkle in his eyes isn’t because of you.
He’ll hug you goodbye but you can smell the scent of her perfume as you snuggle your head into his neck.
He would turn away and you’d look at him as if he was the most celestial being you’ll ever see and you’ll remember, the way you look at him, is the way he looks at her.

Heartache #2
The heartache where you strive to make their life a living hell.
You’ll break his heart and realise when it’s too late that you’ve broken yours in the process as well.
So while he is sitting next to you because he has no other choice, you hum the song that he dedicated to you just loud enough for him to hear, and you’ll know it’s driving him mad.
And you’ll wear the shirt he said he loved on you as you pretend to run into him, whether it’s walking casually in the hallway or chatting with someone who happens to be right near his locker.
You’ll find a new boy to smile and laugh with and you’ll know he is in the distance watching, remembering how he used to be the one that got that smile out of you.

Heartache #3
The heartache that never goes away.
The one with the mesmerising blue eyes and smug smile that could devour your soul in a heartbeat.
It’s the restless nights of talking about all your fears, dreams, insecurities; everything that makes you, you.
It’s the way you let yourself be vulnerable as he touched your naked skin.
He’ll hold your hand and make promises he never intended to keep.
He’ll make you believe every word he says is true.
He’ll make you see that planting flowers in your lungs is so much better than destroying yourself.
But he’ll fail to tell you that once those flowers die, you wont be able to breathe.

I let my insecurities get the best of me
Maybe that's why I keep so many of you next to me
I just want someone to show me why they're the best for me
Just want someone to prove why I should leave the game and just have them lay next to me
Instead of sitting here and playing all these boys in front of me

Baby I'm really trying for you because I'm obsessed with the way you kiss me
But I really like the way that he misses me
And I really like those moments when I catch him with his eyes on me

And I'm scared that if I let you see all of me you'll hate me
And I don't want to feel vulnerable because that ain't me
So I'll push you aside until you start to hate me
Then you'll see how my insecurities have shaped me.

I want to write about you.
I want to write about how I order coffee now just to be reminded of your eyes.

I want to write about you.
I want to write about how your dimples make me melt into a puddle as you smile.

I want to write about you.
I want to write about how although you're lanky and your height is awkward, you still fit perfectly with me.

I want to write about you.
I want to write about how when you grip my hair in your hands as you kiss me it makes my body want more.

I want to write about you.
I want to write about how you're different from every other one I've ever been with, different from every other I've ever run away from.

I want to write about you.
I want to write about how gentle you were when you touched me, when you held me, when you looked at me.

I want to write about you.
I want to write about the way you looked at me, the way you looked at me as if love could exist, as if love does exist.

I want to write about you.
I want to write about how since I lost you this is the only way I can still have you.

I wasn't supposed to love you.

But here I am.

Barely able to breathe because your words were nothing but empty promises.
Silently crying as I scroll through months of old memories that once seemed perfect but are nothing more than bittersweet dreams.
Feeling the numb emptiness in my chest because I was too scared, because I wasn't enough.
Hating myself because I have no right to feel heartbroken over our situation.
Begging myself to stop because I know better, so why can't I do better?

I wasn't supposed to love you.
You were never mine to love.

I don't want you to be just another body in my body count.
Just another set of lips that placed longing upon my finger tips.

I don't want you to be just another lesson that taught me that there's more colors in the rainbow than the green and blue I have been accustomed to.
Just another set of eyes that have turned all other colors into a boring tv show.

I don't want you to be just another could have been, should have been, would have been.
Just another sorry excuse for how scared I've always been.

I don't want you to be just another liking.
Just another failed attempt at loving.

I don't want you to be just another name.
Just another ***** up and I'm the only one to blame.

When we first kissed I felt my stomach turn to mush.
I smiled as we pulled away and you stared into my eyes as if I was the only one you've ever loved.

After awhile, whenever I kissed you, I could taste the oil of the vape pen that also danced upon your lips.
My eyes would flutter open slowly as your poisoned fingers rubbed under my chin as if you were decoding a secret written in braille.

Now when we kiss it's lustful.
Your lips meet mine in a rough punch.
As if you're looking for something more.
And I can't help but feel that maybe you're trying to find her in me.
That maybe you're falling for her and losing touch with me.
And now, as I'm kissing you, I want to be released from the shield of loneliness you have given to me.

The urge to pick up the blade has become stronger
All my strength is drained and my feelings hit me harder

Pushing em away because I told you I was better
Showing you a different face, **** it's just the weather

A different time, a different cloud
A different daydream to shut out

What else am I supposed to say
Been lying since the very first day

Cut off all my ties
No one notices the lost lines

Time to disappear
I'm sorry for the last time

That glass piece,
fitting so perfectly
into my palm.
Smooth, cold, round,
holding my hand tighter than any ex-lover before.
That ginger kiss upon my lips,
sending smoke to hug my lungs.

Those IV bags dripping of happiness,
shooting euphoria through my bloodstream.

Anything to keep me from feeling numb.
Anything to prolong my inevitable fall,
back to my own personal purgatory.

You flash me that smirk I know way too well.
One that I have tried to shield myself from but have failed miserably.

I thought avoiding you was moving on.
I thought being with someone else was moving on.

But when you walked back into my life and decided to tell me you miss me, I was reeled back in.

Your voice, your laugh, the colour of your eyes, the prominent shape of your jawline; they were all my thoughts could circle.
Everything I thought I had forgotten about you came in and drowned me, reminding me of all the suppressed feelings I tried not to show.

You were my temptations.
And a hug turned into begging for a kiss.
And begging for a kiss turned into explaining I had a boyfriend.
And explaining I had a boyfriend turned into wondering, if it really came down to it, who would I choose?

But then my brain starts to kick in and tell me no.
It tells me what could have been.
What should have been.
What wouldn't have been.

Please calm my racing heart.
Subside the blood rushing to my cheeks.

Silence the butterflies,
whose wings flap so violently in my stomach.

Holding my voice hostage,
I'd like to take it back

Falling for you was never part of the plan
What started off as a harmless game turned into something I had to win

I was settled on the fact that we would be nothing more than just toys to each other
But when you kissed me in that closet and touched me in a way that was unfamiliar to me I knew I was *******
The constant denial that I felt any sort of attraction to you was failing

Suddenly endless texting turned into long sleepless nights, talking about our feelings and our past
Confessions came out and new experiences caught my attention

I found myself breaking all my rules for you and not regretting a single one
Rules that were put up for my own protection
Rules that would prevent me from feeling heartbreak ever again

But now here I am, falling deeper and deeper into something I have no idea as to where it will lead me
But as long as it's by you, I'm okay with whatever hurt I may have to face

You are the dark circles under my eyes because I have spent too many restless nights thinking about you.
You are the cigarette I put between my lips because I miss having yours pressed against mine.
You are the body's of strangers who fill my sheets because I am trying to replace the warmth you once gave me.
You are my sad thoughts because I couldn't make you stay.
You are the doubts, confusion, anxiety I have at the most inconvenient times.
You are the bright city lights that follow me endlessly.
You are the alcohol that runs through my veins because it is the only thing that keeps me going anymore.
You are the ghost that will forever remind me that what we had was not love but lust.

You have not seen me until you have seen me as I see myself
You have not seen me until you see me as I trace my hand over the stretch marks that climb the sides of my torso like veins that squeeze me
You have not seen me until you see me as my eyes become dimmer as I look at the discoloration of my sides
You have not seen me until you see every scar, bruise, and scratch that plagues my thighs and arms
You have not seen me until you have watched my body give in and breakdown because the image I see staring back at myself is one of broken glass, broken dreams, broken memories

You have not seen me until you understand that I am not a towering temple with battle scars and broken beauty marks

I am a shell of lost spirit and soul
I am a body, torn apart apart by hatred and rotten words

You have not seen me