That time we spent together was influential for me.
He was like Halloween.
Fun and exciting, scary and weird.
He introduced me to things about myself that I didn't know.
I loved him for exposing a side of himself to me that most people never got to know.
To this day, I think he still loves me.
Purely.
I broke his heart after spending all night on the phone telling each other how much we meant to the other, I ran away in fear and there was an entire year that we didn't speak and I felt like I was going crazy.
I loved that boy.
The late nights, the alcohol, the ****, starlit drives, the bond we created.
I have never met someone who so honestly said how he felt.

There's an energy in the air in this town.
Who wants to work when the sun is beckoning you to come outside.

I don't think very many people could fully understand why I would love to shave off my hair.
I don't want to be bald,
just short short short.
I would cry.
I would feel happy.
And free.
The hair that's on my head has made me so unhappy for so long.
My whole life really.
That's why it's been every color, every length.
It's the source of my mental illness and a huge part of my daily struggle.
If it were just gone,
I would feel nothing but liberated.
I could start over.

And you might say, well do it.
But it's not that easy.
It would draw so much negative attention to me.
People might think I've gone crazy, or never stop staring.
And I'm afraid of what they'd think.
Shallow, but true.
I'm a 21 year old girl in 2016 when hair is everything.

But I dream about it. A lot.

I hope I go to bed tonight
and dream of him kissing me again.

I'm too buzzed.
This idiot needs to go to bed.
Ita even hard to type.
Look ^

° Wonderful tonight - Bob Seger
°When the night comes - Dan Auerbach
°Emmylou - First Aid Kit
°You are my sunshine - lots of people
°Can't help falling in love - Elvis Presley
°Fine - Kacey Musgraves
°Home - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

You know,
you brought me down and you don't even care.

I realized today, that you are one of my triggers that sends me into depression.
You are the reason I eat to feel better.
The reason I stopped caring about my health.
Why can't you support me and my drive to work out and eat better and feel better.

I really don't care when I'll see you again.
I feel alive without you.
And that's what upsets me.
That you aren't my safety blanket.
You are my poison.
When did it get like this?
You even stress out my dog.

I'm almost at my breaking point.
I shouldn't feel like this right now when everything else is going so great.
I can't even talk to you about it.
You smoke all my **** and wreck my house.

Tomorrow will be better.
I'll look in the mirror and see that girl that was here the moment before you got into my car.

I know that it's April.
Months away from the anniversary.
But I just got done watching an episode of I survived, that focused on those that made it on 9/11.
My heart breaks more and more for all of those people, and for the country I love so much.
But it goes to show how strong the human spirit is, that people actually lived to tell their stories.
I hope to visit New York one day just to stand where all of those braves souls stood, who risked their lives for those of others.
It's powerful. And humbling.
I was just six years old on that day, but I remember the fear I felt all the way in Ohio.
We were released from school early after the principal came in to tell our teacher.
Crying; she said that something terrible has happened and we need to be with our families.
On the bus ride home, my sister and I didn't speak while other kids chatted away like nothing had happened.
When we got home, I saw my older step sister crying, and screaming on the phone in front of the TV.
I couldn't comprehend what I was seeing because I was too young to understand.
But I was terrified.
What seemed like awhile later,
we were playing in the back yard, when the loudest noise I'd ever heard blasted through the sky.
My mom ran outside and yelled for us to come in, we were being bombed.
We went down to the basement,
and waited.
After about ten minutes of silence, my mom went upstairs, soon saying it was okay to come out.
Later we learned the sound barrier had been broken
That day, the country became one, out of the fear, heartbreak and love for our fellow mankind,
and that is why I'll never forget.

America, land of the free, home of the truly brave. <3

****.
I drank too much whiskey.
I feel so dizzy and I want to get sick.
But my body won't let me.
I hungout with an old high school friend
and we drank and smoked and listened to good *** music.
It was fun.
I went to the gas station afterwards to buy cigarettes and two older men in a car were checking me out. That was uncomfortable.
I had too much.
I need to sleep.
And I miss my boyfriend.
I'm sorry, I'm drunk.

Tonight someone told me
they thought I was astonishing.
That they've thought about me for years, after meeting me once.
My eyes, and of course my ****.
So strange, that someone I almost forgot about remembered me so much.
It's sweet and poetic.

Maybe because I've spent my own years pining after someone that has long forgotten me.
It's amazing to be on both sides.

It's Friday.
And I'm at work because I'm on second shift.
Spring is almost here, yet the air in Ohio is chilly like it's autumn.
I'm sitting in my Ford explorer smoking cigarettes on my lunch break.
The music on the radio *****,
and for some reason I just felt very sad.
I feel a bit empty.
And I don't know why.
I want to go for a drive as the sun sets,
but I can't.
I want to smoke a lot of **** or drink too much.
It's been a very lonely week.
This poem? ***** but I felt like I needed to write. Sorry.

Dan Auerbach makes me want
to stand outside your house,
with a boom box.
80's movie style.
Just to see if it hits you
like it does me.
The first few strings played on that guitar,
feel like falling in love with you.

It's actually tragically beautiful.
I am a girl who will forever be stuck,
head over heels.

And you?
Who knows. Probably forgot about me a long time ago.
But I always wonder.
Maybe in ten years we'll meet again.
Single.
And my life will stop feeling like looking through a window at someone I don't know.

If you have a pet,
you know that the bond
created between the two of you,
is a connection you never make with a person.
Total and complete trust.
When I clip her toe nails,
check her ears,
and give her a bath,
she knows I am taking care of her.
She leans against me and let's me do what I have to.
When I get home from work
she cheers as she emerges from her cage,
running and wiggling
straight for her bowl; ready for dinner.
She knows I will always come back.
When I'm sad, and crying.
Or so sick I can't leave the bathroom,
she comes around and lays her head in my lap,
and licks my hands and face.
I know she came into my life when I needed it most,
one of the most memorable times of my life.