Walking around this house I see his
things mixed in with mine
and the note I wrote him on his birthday
still hangs on the fridge.
“I love you.”
New pictures on my phone of memories
we make every day.
Just one year ago I never would’ve believed
he would be here with me.
By that time I had come to terms with
thinking he would always be a sweet and sour
taste of the past.
But now we laugh together on the couch
and make dinner with beers.
We make plans for the future and look forward to time together.
Anywhere is home with him
but I love this home we’ve made together
in the country with beautiful sunsets and evening walks.
Sometimes I still can’t believe I have my best friend back.
My mom pulled up in her green car
and brought me to my childhood bedroom. Exhaustion and disappointment
on her face as she
followed me up the stairs.
I barely slept but woke up to realize
what a huge mistake I made.
And then he came back and I still don’t know why.
I decided not to ask.
But a part of me wishes he hadn’t.
It’s too hard to look at him, too hard to smile, too hard to even continue building together when there’s too much rubble.
Everything is scorched and broken it’s impossible to know where to start.
I lost myself completely, the girl he loves died.
I feel like I’m in a body that isn’t mine.
Everyone chatting and being kind to me although I don’t deserve it.
I keep day dreaming of disappearing,
leaving in the night and driving until my car can’t go any farther.
I don’t want to show my face, it’s an embarrassment and a shame.
Everyone saying you can’t drink
or you’ll go off the handle again
being watched like a hawk.
I can’t take it.
The way he acts towards me makes me believe
I don’t deserve happiness.
I don’t deserve to ever feel happy again
because I blacked out drunk and tried to start a fight which led to another fight.
I know I ****** up.
I feel it constantly.
But you can’t hang this like a dark cloud following me everywhere forever.
You make me sick.
The way you treat me like trash
unless you want money or *****
or for me to stroke your ego.
You are not the prize, you have nothing to offer me.
I am the gold at the end of the rainbow,
I am the reason the sun shines.
I have friends everywhere and people who give a **** about me.
What about you?
Who other than me even wants to see your face.
You so easily forget who’s there for you.
Last night I lay in bed unable
to meet sleep because he wasn’t just a room away.
So I tried to imagine what freedom feels like.
Freedom from longing, anxiety, fear and sadness.
I had an image of riding in the passenger seat
of my sister’s old beat up car
in the middle of spring in the morning as the sun is starting to rise.
The air is warm and sweet,
the wind feels like a nice boy running his fingers through your hair.
School is almost out, you’re about to start a fun day of who knows what with your hooligan friends.
An old song plays on the radio,
a Marlboro red between your fingers,
and a Monster energy drink in the cup holder.
No job, no homework, no heartbreak.
It’s a feeling I’ll probably never have again, that true freedom from it all.
When everything really is good.
He makes dinner while I sit at the table
doing homework on my laptop.
He comes over and kisses the top of my head
I can’t stop a smile from my face.
He makes me coffee while we wait for the food to get done,
and talk about whatever.
It’s these small moments that make it
impossible to not want this to last forever.
I looked at his phone.
I know that’s wrong and an invasion
And you never find anything good
when you look at his phone.
“How to break up with someone who loves you.”
I already knew he was thinking it
before I looked.
I asked him if that’s what he wanted,
leaving out the part about how I really knew.
Just said, “I had a feeling.”
He never answered the question,
he just listed everything he hates about me.
How I need to change and for some reason
I don’t know why I can’t let him go,
because I know that the guy I’m supposed to be with someday, is out there. Somewhere.
He said I need to be okay with being alone because he will never marry me,
and he’s right.
I don’t want to be alone so I guess I take this **** instead of not speaking to anyone for days and going on bad dates.
But I think I’m getting closer to…
Sometimes I miss you even when
you’re right here.
A nice breeze will carry leaves across
the pavement and I’ll want to grab
your hand but
you’re off somewhere else,
So instead I’ll just look around
at what we could be enjoying,
and instead of feeling full I’ll feel sad.
I wish you would just break up with me
sometimes rather than treat me like
some thing you can’t stand.
He only likes me when I’m sleeping.
When I’m asleep I don’t feel anything
and I don’t say anything or do anything.
I can’t talk about how I’m sad so I don’t make
I don’t ask for his hand when he’s
talking to a friend,
or look at him when he drinks a beer.
I’m not there.
So, he misses me.
But when I’m awake he doesn’t like me.
I finally have him,
first shift, and
But it’s still not enough to
keep me smiling.
My brain is already trying to ruin it.
Getting upset over stupid things
like money, and time together.
Comments about other girls and
jokes about me.
Already stressing and moving too fast
in my classes and work.
I just need to slow down.
I put on your deodorant when I was
getting ready for work because I wanted
to smell like you.
I knew it would be the last time your
scent followed me.
Like the last time I would lay with you,
or kiss you
or touch you.
Missing you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done,
and I have to do it again.
I know I’ll be okay in 6 months but
right now, I’m not.
Being in this room in the dark
can become so unbearable.
Thinking about you and missing you so much
it actually hurts is unbearable.
Wishing you missed me too and realizing
that I have gotten to the bottom of the ocean;
As low as you can go.
I still love you, always will.
I’m busting out laughing
as I stand in my kitchen drinking a sodie pop
wearing a t shirt and sweatpants like an old retired man when in reality I’m a 26 yr old girl that
has to be an adult tomorrow.
Lol who put me in charge???
it’s been a long time since I’ve said
I hate you
That **** hurts
Maybe I’m comfortable in the hole,
it’s familiar so it’s safe.
I prefer things that don’t change.
Like I enjoy knowing what the roads
will be like in the winter,
and having the same best friend since high school.
I keep the same bad habits because
it helped me feel better once.
I like chaos because it reminds me
I wished for you in the mountains.
In the fog that settled on top of the trees
and the sun that peaked through the rocks.
I wished for you when I watched the sunset
our last night in Virginia.
A broken porcelain doll,
a lost diamond off a ring,
I wished for a blue eyed boy who would
remind me of the mountains
whenever he looked at me.
I’m going to get to see him again.
It’s not for certain.. but I’m certain.
I have been dreaming about the moment he
is standing in front of me for
over a year.
How will I react?
I wonder if I’ll cry, or feel nervous
or will it be like going home.
The moment I get to touch him,
and prove that he is still real
is a moment I would wait for forever.
I hate this feeling.
It’s the same one I would get when I was
coming down from a ******* binge.
A desperate, painful need for something.
Eyes wide open, heart racing,
my thoughts flying by too fast to
even remember any of them.
I can’t sleep.
And I’m not high.
I’m just empty.
I don’t know why I don’t feel anything.
I did for about two days and then that
ooey gooey butterfly flew away.
I tried listening to that country song,
the one about the blue eyed problem,
the one that had me holding back tears
as he sang along in the car.
How can I be so hot and cold.
There’s something wrong with me.
Am I really that damaged
or will I just love the person that damaged me
I’ve gotten so used to sleeping alone
that I can no longer share a bed with someone else.
Even though I lay in the dark
overloaded with anxiety and all I need
is a body to hold onto,
pet my hair and say it’s okay.
I want to make room,
I want to sleep better.
I want to open up to the possibilities of
But I only have a full size mattress.
I have big blue eyes that
can capture attention.
When I’m wearing a mask they’re really all
anyone can see
and for some reason they make a statement.
They’re kind and make people feel safe
talking to me.
They’re my best feature.
My blessing I guess.
I know by just a glance if a man is
going to find a way to talk me.
Each one I’ve laid next to at night
has told me they can’t stop looking.
My eyes say so much that most of the time
I don’t have to say anything at all.
I do miss the quiet smile you wore
when you looked at me.
I know you see me in a way that I can’t.
I have hated my life for as long as I’ve been alive.
I’ve done things just because I felt like I had to.
Get this job, no wait, this job.
Go to college it’s the path to happiness.
Oh wait, turns out it’s only making me more miserable.
Makes a lot of money,
makes barely any.
Falls in love, gets absolutely torn apart.
Builds a wall.
I don’t really have anything keeping me here except me.
I could sell everything I own and buy a small RV.
Use all the money I have to just drive away and stop when I run out.
Get a quick part time job just to make some more and then disappear again.
I hate staying in one place, doing the same things.
I’ve never had an adventure.
I saw a girl standing through the sun roof in her boyfriend’s car, singing and cheering because she’s done with college and I thought,
I’ve never been that happy. Ever.
But I deserve to be.
I think what you end up missing
the most when you don’t have a partner
are all the lost little moments that
make life special.
That feeling in the middle of the night
when you wake from a bad dream,
or anxiety won’t let you sleep
so you reach for your person.
Snuggle into their arms and you can
feel your whole body relax.
There once was a boy who fell for me
but I missed the train he got on,
I watched it leave.
I saw his tears from the window,
but I just waved goodbye and let him go.
I could say I’m sorry over and over
but it won’t change last October.
Maybe I never should’ve came to his house that night,
maybe right now he’d be alright.
I have a habit of breaking hearts,
because mine is too.
I wish I could be in love with you.
I hate being me.
I wish I was anyone else.
Someone who didn’t gain 20 pounds
in a year, who can handle normal every day ****.
Someone who doesn’t pull out their hair
and force bald spots that can’t be fixed.
I wish I was skinny and pretty and happy.
Fun to be around and brought light and joy to others.
I wish I had friends that went to the gym with me. Go on walks, and eat a light lunch.
Then smoke ****, drink and take molly at night.
I wish I could work as a server at a cute restaurant that’s close by. No want to go to college or have health insurance.
Just somehow live a quiet happy life with a man that loves me and only me and I adore him.
Why did I get this life?
Why am I being punished?
I hate myself.
I would do anything to go back.
Anything to go back to my apartment
on the second floor where we lived happily
ever after together.
Sunday morning cuddles,
binging Game of Thrones,
sitting on the counter watching you cook.
Putting the tent up in our living room
pretending to watch Alice in wonderland
under the stars.
I would give up my future and any joy
I may feel to go back to when you loved me.
One time my sister told me
I go for the ones that are broken.
I like someone I can help back up,
pick up their pieces and sort out the puzzle.
I like a jagged edge,
someone with corners so sharp you
could cut your head open if you fell.
I like the chase, trying to keep up and
She said I’ll never settle for boring.
I don’t like simple.
Love will never be easy, even if it could be.
I am a fixer who doesn’t want to be fixed.
All it took was that ghosted text.
Realizing nothing was gonna happen,
nothing is gonna change.
Like you, you’re still the same selfish man
that ripped my heart into the useless
pieces they are now.
It used to be a full check, I could win the lottery on how much love I had to give.
But I gave it to you and you lit a match and enjoyed watching it burn.
I’ve spent the last year since you left
waiting for you to show up at my door,
and say it was all a bad dream and
somehow we’d live happily ever after but
you aren’t my Prince Charming.
You were a bumpy road, a mountain I had to climb, fall down and then learn how to get back up.
I am fine without you. Some day I’ll find someone who makes me better than you ever did.
Next time I’ll ghost your text.
The window sat propped open
just a bit.
A few rain drops would drip in
and pop as old songs she didn’t know played
out of the speakers on her desk.
A candle and a lamp gave the room a pink hue.
Just her legs were under the sheets as she sat
reading in bed wearing thin cotton shorts
and a big t shirt she got from her dad.
It was her day off.
A pretty perfect one at that.
It’s been awhile since I’ve wished he were sleeping next to me,
but here I am missing him tonight.
I would give anything for my head to be
on that perfect spot,
my arm holding him close.
We just got off the phone;
he said he called because he wanted
to tell me he loves me.
I wonder if it’s a coincidence that
he called me right as the clock
struck Valentine’s Day.
I heard two seconds of a song I haven’t
heard in two years
and I thought,
“Should I inflict pain on myself and listen to the whole thing?”
Heart pounding, sick to my stomach
I remember the first time he played it for me.
I remember how sickly in love I was already
and it had only been a few weeks.
How sickly in love I still am and it’s been over a year.
And now I’m wondering if the pain ever really goes away.
I am just a chapter in the lives of selfish men.
One that always comes to an end because
he took too much.
I run out, end up on empty..
I ran out of words, out of gas.
And no one is left to fill me back up.
I watched the bubbles in my Miller lite
rise to the top, and listened to the conversations around me.
Country music blaring from the speakers.
I miss your bar stool being next to mine.
I miss my drinking buddy, my best friend.
I came here this afternoon because I realized I can’t find anyone who’s even close to you,
so I’ll go do the things we used to to do together, alone.
Being alone is better than feeling alone with people.
I’ve always struggled with feeling like I don’t belong anywhere.
That I’m taking up space in a room;
I’m only there because of the person I’m with, nobody cares about my presence.
Everyone feels like a stranger to me just a bit.
When I’m low I don’t have anyone to bring me up because nobody knows how to.
The third wheel, tagalong who always shows up late and leaves early.
Why did I love u so much
I’ve asked myself this before
It’s difficult to explain but I know how I felt
being next to you.
It was the safety in knowing that nothing bad would happen as long as you were there.
It’s something out of my control so much that the only thing it could be is love.
Through all the darkness I saw the brightest light,
It must have been a glimpse of heaven.
It would be just like me
to **** up a good thing.
I don’t know when one drink becomes too many
until I’m talking too loud
and my head is over the toilet.
I can’t read cues from people
because I don’t trust my intuition anymore,
it’s lied to me before.
I have trouble believing what he says,
or if he even likes me at all so I spiral until
I’m mad at him for nothing.
I worry that if I don’t have *** with him before I leave that he’ll just **** someone else.
I’m too soft, I hate the cold so I went and sat in the car.
What if I’m difficult?
I talk too much about my ex and my past of putting **** up my nose.
He doesn’t wanna hear it.
I’m sure it’s old already.
Yeah someone treated me badly,
and I was a drug addict.
Get over it, it’s not good dinner conversation.
It is just like me to **** up a good thing.
Don’t fall in love,
like real true LOVE unless you’re okay
with knowing you will love them
long after they’ve left you.
7 months later and a sweet song can still
bring me to tears
so I accept it and look at the photos
of you I would take when you didn’t notice.
The long distance smiles and silly faces that used to make my weeks.
I would now and forever come running back.
I would buy any plane ticket, who cares about corona, I would drive until my car died on the side of the interstate just to get to you.
I’ll always be yours even if I’m someone else’s.
I’ll still love you long after
When we’re just two names forgotten
Yours will stay wherever mine goes.
Wherever that is.
I’ll find you again.
and cheap wine.
Fleetwood Mac and chicken tenders.
Snapping you little flirty faces
saying how much I’d like to make out.
Feels like we’re a couple of teenagers drunk in like.
Just a silly girl who can’t wait to see you
and pretend you don’t know what I look like
in the dark.
What is wrong with me that I still love you?
I still love you more than a singer needs to sing.
More than a painter needs paint,
more than flowers need the rain,
more than Bonnie loved Clyde,
more than the sun needs the moon.
If you called me up and said, “come back”
I would drop everything.
I love you even though you are why I hate myself.
The ghosted messages
still sit there cold and unforgiving.
I wish my brain could let me forget
let me enjoy what I’m doing now,
who cares what you’re doing now.
I bet you’ve found the girl of your dreams.
*******, a perfect *** that she’s worked for in the gym for 10 years.
Long blonde hair and clear skin.
Tall and tan because she grew up in Florida.
I bet she’s rich from daddy’s money,
and barely calls you because she’s “independent.”
I bet you make sure she finishes every time you make love and are gentle and kind in a way you never were with me.
I bet you’re already planning on marrying that girl some day.
I hope she breaks your heart.
I hope she cheats on you with everyone you know.
Your best friend, someone you trust.
I hope you can’t sleep or eat and cry for months.
I hope she ruins your self esteem and makes you swear off ever trying again.
Like you did to me.
I know you apologized and swore you’d never do anything so horrible again, and I wish I could say I’m happy for the girl who will get everything I ever wanted..
but it doesn’t help knowing I’m the only one you ever felt deserved to be treated like garbage.
I hope she ***** your dad.
I don’t talk about it much,
because I can’t figure out how to write
It still stings like a thousand bees,
takes my breath away like a kick to the gut.
I can feel my brain get lost,
“wait, what’d you say, sorry.”
I am an alien among humans,
like I’m acting in a movie it doesn’t feel like I’m sitting there.
If I’m not busy busy busy I am a fly
at a bar drinking as if it could be my last;
and then I’m sick.
I need a doctor to remove this scar tissue around my heart.
It didn’t heal right, or maybe it’s not done yet.
What do I do in the meantime?
Emotional trauma never goes away
Sometimes I think it’s gone.
That maybe it got up in the mountains
or left on the bench at a roadside diner.
I feel so weightless without it,
like I can do anything, be anything,
But it’s never really gone.
It always hitches a ride or grabs onto
the bottom of my pants dragging in the dirt.
That little ****** named Heartbreak.
He still knows how to weigh me down.
I’m supposed to be going through the drag of orientation.
Sat in front of a computer, watch these videos.
Come get me when you’re done.
But I can’t stop thinking about him.
Time has been my worst enemy,
moving so fast taking me farther and farther away from those days we were together.
Too far away to touch anymore.
But the memories are still there.
Dimmer, foggy and like a lemon.
It was nice in the way it felt quiet
even with the roar of the wind.
I had no choice but to wrap my arms
around him and lay my head on the back of his shoulder.
He smelled good.
I noted that it would be a memory I would think about when my hair turns gray.
I used to ride on the back of a motorcycle with a guy, and smoked joints in the woods.
It wasn’t even that it was romantic,
it felt sweet.
Gentle and kind like this man I was trusting with my life.
We’ve come and gone into each other’s lives but that feeling of comfort is always there.
I always have been.
I knew from a young age that the world
was cruel and unfair and I never wanted
to be a part of it.
I never saw myself being part of it.
Until he came along and made me feel safe
like he would protect me from
whatever the great IT is I’m afraid of.
I don’t like to admit that I am so familiar
with fear, so I pretend to be brave.
But I’m scared.
I woke up angry.
None of this is right.
It’s all wrong.
I’m done with the universe *******
giving me little hits of serotonin
only to end up smashing my face
in the dirt.
So I dealt with it the only way anyone with the same blood as me knows how.
I stopped by a gas station at 9:30 in the morning
and grabbed 2 shots of liquor.
I downed the first one and a big swig of the next.
I’m sitting in the lobby of my therapist’s office
waiting to tell her how ****** everything has been since last I saw her.
Sorry my breath smells.