all i wanted was to fall into your arms but looked at me like i was crazy.
my feelings inside grew smaller and it was like i was flicked off the earth for feeling sad.
it wasn't okay, and i was "crazy" for feeling like this,
right?

i looked behind me and you weren't there anymore.
the only thing that was left for me to fall back on when things got too hard,
when my head was too much for me,
was my bedroom wall.
i spent my childhood sitting against it,
looking at my bleeding wrists and wishing that maybe,
just maybe,
if i looked behind me you'd be there.

that's all i wanted.
it was like god took my parents away when i turned 10,
all the love i was supposed to get,
the love that was supposed to hold me and mold me was gone.
how can a 10 year old teach himself all of this?

december first and i'm reminded in a few weeks,
it'll be three years since you left.
there's been a part of me missing since you've been gone that i've tried to replace with other things.
these things have been other people or substances that made me feel like you were still here and like i felt before it all happened.
but three years,
time has gone by so fast yet i know i'll have to wait more until
i see you again.

i can't wait to love someone the way i love you
and for it to be right,
completely right.
right timing and right person.
it's like you and i were on different pages,
different books,
but we felt the same.
how does that happen?

sometimes i still wish for you.
i wish for when the world ends,
we meet each other again.
different bodies,
different circumstances.
but this time,
same book, same page.
can that happen?

i can't wait to love someone like i loved you again,
and i hope that someone will still be you.

three pairs of eyes on me when i was asked the questions,
"are you going to college?
what are you going to do with your life?'
back to back,
and as if they mattered,
as if those question really mattered.
i shifted in my seat and pulled down my sleeves.
i felt my face heat up and my hands wrapped themselves around my waist.

i just want to be free.
i just want to be me.
i want to wake up in the morning and not feel like my life will be a routine.
i want to help people and give back everything that the universe has given me.
i want to help myself and do the things i love.

i want to read my tarot cards,
i want to take care of the animals in my animal sanctuary,
i want to pick fruits and vegetables from my farm,
i want to write books,
i want to write for magazines and newspapers,
i want to paint,
i want to take pictures of everything beautiful,
i want to film everyday life,
i want to live.

my heart began to beat faster around more people than i could count on my fingers.
i started to feel smaller and seen but in the worst way.
my stomach did turns and i could swear everyone could hear my heavy breathing.
i held my own hand,
in hopes that it would feel like someone elses
and maybe,
just maybe
i could calm down.

regret.
i regret letting you in.

love will always start with illusion.
and i fell in love with
the mirage you displayed.
i told myself that
the person i fell in love with
was still there.
that is why i stuck around

for so long.

for so long i believed that you still loved me
as much as the sun loved the sky.
even when you said you didn’t,
even when your voice didn’t feel like

home.

home was late night conversations.
home was your laugh ringing in my ears.
but what was once the house we loved in,
it is now dominated by ghosts.

it has been 8 months.
i still

regret.
i regret letting you in.

i want to write about you forever,
i want to write about us forever.
i'll try my best to keep us alive,
even if it hurts
because right now,
i can't let go of you,
of us.

i'll write about the first time you told me you loved me,
about how my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest when you simply smiled,
about how the love we shared and gave each other was real and will forever mean something to me.

and although my heart was blue sometimes,
and when your words cut deep into me,
i can't seem to let go.
not yet.