i got in line to get a coffee
and noticed a familiar set of strong shoulders
you turned around surprised
we had one of those
'i haven't seen you in forever'
type of looks
you asked me to sit with you
and before we knew it
we were talking how we used to
without even meaning to

you looked up from the table
and itched the back of your neck
just like you used to do
when you were nervous
"what happened to us? we had the kind of love that people made movies about."
i didn't know whether to laugh
or cry
"well you gave me the type of heartbreak that people write about."

i'm looking at you
after all of the damage has already been done
it's been months now
but i still can't manage to not look for you
in crowded rooms
i tell myself
you aren't mine
and i'm not yours
i am mine
and you are yours

i look at you and dare to utter
"i'm not yours anymore."
so you stifle a laugh and say
"you're always gonna be mine. at least a little bit."
i realized then
that was what i had been afraid of
the whole time
because i knew
you were right

last night
i woke up
drenched in sweat
from a nightmare i was having
usually when this happens
i cry and shake
in the ungodly hours of the night
until my body can't anymore
but this time
i woke up
in my best friends arms
and my heart rate instantly got slower
i felt my body untense
and sink into the mattress
and if that isn't what happiness feels like
i don't know what it is anymore

i got glasses in 6th grade
because i couldn't see the board
my mom took me to the eye doctor
he shook my hand and said
"your vision should get better
it's just you growing up"

i wore my glasses every day
and things stopped being such a blur
until 7th grade
when my vision got worse
i went back to the eye doctor
he shook my hand with his cold one
"your vision got a little worse, that's okay, nothing to worry about"
so i got different lenses
and a better prescription too
the board became clearer
and things were even less of a blur

i went back freshman year
because i wanted contacts
i was sure my vision changed again
maybe it got worse
the doctor shook my hand again
giving me goosebumps
"your vision hasn't changed"
i thought
how is that possible?
something has to have changed
it feels so different
but nothing did

during freshman year
is when i loved you
i loved you so much
that i ignored all the harsh words
and the way you'd make me feel small
i loved you so much
that i never saw the way you treated me
even when everyone else did

that's when i realized
even with contacts or glasses
some people still can't
see clearly

when a poet falls in love with you
you can never die
they will notice the way
you rub your palms and look down
when someone is angry at you
and the way you smirk
as you pull away from a kiss

they will notice how you can't sleep
without your body touching someone else's
how you never crease any pages of books
and how you close your eyes when you dance in your kitchen
with your record player on

they will find all of the words
that they see you as
and turn them into something beautiful

people say you die twice
once when you stop breathing
and when someone says your name
for the last time

if you fall in love with a poet
they will never stop
mentioning your name
you will be alive
for eternity

i'm at a party
there's people all around me
a girl is puking in the bathroom
and her boyfriend is rubbing her back
someone spilled something red on the floor
and a boy is passed out flat on his face

there's a group of people in another room
screaming and laughing
drinking concoctions that taste bitter and gross
just so they can feel something

ping pong ***** cover the floor and the music never stops playing
i'm sitting with a red solo cup in my right hand
i haven't spoken in hours
nobody has even noticed
i'm surrounded by teenagers
who are supposed to be my friends
but they're too busy slurring their speech and dancing
to notice that even in a room full of people
i am alone.