In that moment,
I saw more blood than ever,
Inside me,
As if my eyes were bleeding.
All I could think of
Was wanting to end it.
And there I stood,
Transfixed at the sight of you,
Through the blood red,
All those nightmares, alive
All those terrors, ceasing my nights,
The endless torture,
The pain that was,
You.
And as I stood there,
A predator ready to pounce,
Rooted to the spot
By the anger surging through me
Like electricity,
Like a wild fire.
An inferno of infinite power,
Fully concentrated on
You.
Hell within me,
Heaven above.
And through that blood red,
I saw,
The end,
Of you.

I tried running.
Pressed my feet against those hopes I’ve always wanted.
But slipped right onto the crackled pavement
I used to call my dreams.

One day, I bought some Nikes.
The store told me that their shoes could
grip onto you tighter. That I could sprint across
your tired body and not forget to clean you
with my footsteps. I adored you.

The funny thing I soon found out was
buy and try all I want -
there is no such rise and recovery
from blindly face-planting on your familiar path
splattering your body
like sunday morning jelly on toast.

All I wanted was to hold you. Follow your road
that refused to latch onto me like a dead leach.
Feed off of you like an infant on a mother’s breast.
Bloom like daffodils in your needed sunlight.

But there was no traction. My Nikes broke their promises
so I tore them off and tried walking
barefeet.
I stumbled.
Laid there.
Curling my fingers onto your fractured chest, I tried
holding on.
Sliding under my very fingertips, you refused me.

Or I refused you. Whatever it was
It doesn’t matter now.
There is just no traction.
So I let go. Maybe swimming is a safer bet.
No point in holding on anymore.

Thursday January 23, 2014  3:46 AM

I promised Nick I'd take him out
of Pennsylvania, away from evergreen
trees and our troubles. My car leaked carbon
monoxide, but never enough to ****
us. Where we lived, things never changed.
Two out of three stores open on Main Street,
two gas stations where people paid $3.64
a gallon just to leave, a grocery store
that never settled on a name, and a police
force with histories no cleaner
than their patrol cars. If you've taken Route 6
through, you've seen too much. We dreamt
of Lady Liberty raising her torch to the sunset
in defense of the Empire State, or simply to pluck
it like a musician playing for pennies
near Strawberry Fields from the sky.
The Big Apple, where people make art instead
of excuses and the brightest lights aren't fixed
atop police cars.

Years have passed since our dreams died in '13.
We're stationed at desks in different hemispheres
for different reasons. All he has left are his lonesome
thoughts and all I have are mine. It won't be long
before my pen becomes a serpent and strangles
me in my sleep or my butterscotch disks turn
to cyanide. I'll always hold steadfastly
to our dreams underground.

Nick, I promise you that one day, we'll make
it to New York.

You must register with an employment agency,
he said through a muffled yawn, to defer
your studnet loan payments for the next six months.

But don't worry, he continued, clearing his
throat and sipping what I presumed was stale coffee,
you don't have to accept any jobs that you're offered.

I call you for dinner
at the roast beef you glare
you sulk at the table
and kick at my chair
"I don't want it" you cry
"I hate veggies" you moan
but a young boy can't live on Mcnuggets alone!

You call me a meanie
you say it's not fair
to make you eat green stuff
"I won't eat it, so there!"

You hunch up your shoulders
arms crossed, lips shut tight
your stare is defiant
as you fight for your right
to eat what you want to
and do as you please
my 5 year old rebel
with scabs on both knees

You'll eat it eventually
and I'll secretly laugh
'cause round two is coming
I'm running your bath!

You're are red wine stains on my white linen sheets
You are the cavaties on my once clean teeth

You are the thread that I pull on my favorite sweater
A broken record promising to make this better

I've always been someone who knew when to walk away
But you are etched in my brain begging stay stay stay

I wish you never said hello and convinced me to dance
I wish i didn't ignore my sense and give you a chance

when i first met you
i was scared of your warm skin
that touched my frozen hands.
your voice melted into my ears,
and make your "hey" sounded so
beautiful in every way.

we talked about everything since then.
i still remember how your voice sang
about her.
your voice were screaming into my ears
hoping, begging me to help you.
"I want her to stay" you said.
"I want you to stay" i whispered.

odd.
i never actually told you
how much i wanted you
to stay.
how much it hurts me
to listen to your songs.

today,
i told you the truth
"but i don't care.. i still love you" i said
i don't.
because you told me
that you will always love her
and that you'll hate yourself
for that.

"I understand" i said. "I hate you"
I don't.

People aren't beautiful
We're ugly
With hideous intentions
Like insidious black monsters hiding our skin
Some monsters want to take that little girl
Others want to see ripples of carnage laid out in front of them
Some simply want to steal away things that don't belong to them
There are a few that are free from that murky black hole
They are like prey sensing predators
But always aware of the disease that some of us are.