We all think there will be more of it -
A better time to say how you feel,
Or let someone into your life.

We live in a world of “somedays” -
One days and eventualities
Living life on hold without even noticing.

Don’t wait until you’re holding on for dear life -
Wishing for the unspoken to be said,
Regretting your untaken opportunities
And screaming at the sky:
“Hey! Do you sell time?”

All of a sudden the air felt heavy;
I’d heard her name one too many times,
dreamt of her in my place for yet another night.
He could claim I was the one -
but her memory still lingered on the walls,
slowly suffocating me more each day.

in truth i was always leaving-
so much in fact,
i wasn't sure that i ever truly arrived.

i was drawn to the places i was not,
seduced by minds not yet understood
and enticed by paths left unexplored.

the world is too vast to stay put -
i will follow where the wind go,
consume the knowledge of all i meet
and soak in the wonder of the skies.

for i am insatiable and always wanting,
unable to soothe my wandering soul;
home has never had a name,
nor love a heart to hold.

but please sit with these weary bones;
give me a place to lay my head,
i'll stay with you till morning -
and wait to begin again.

The patter of an early evening rainstorm awakens her
and she untangles her sweaty limbs from those of her lover.
The sun has begun to set;
the thrill of adventure calls to her once more.
He begins to stir, awoken by her chaotic movements;
And lazily admires her beauty as she sifts through mounds of overdue laundry,
still smelling of suntan lotion and chlorine,
in search of the perfect shirt.
She’s late, as always,
She can hear her friends are outside in the car -
blasting throwbacks and spilling drinks
as the laugh and scream for her to hurry.
They fly through the night -
windows open letting the cool breeze filter the air thick of smoke and jubilance
All too eager to reach their destination;
moon children growing restless under the stars.
The ocean calls her home and its salty air clears her mind
as flames shoot out of the fire,
crackling and popping in the midnight sky.
Cheers are heard as bottles are passed;
pulling her head back out of the clouds.
Champagne to welcome the sunrise,
whiskey to bid summer adieu.
Daylight begins to break -
she takes one last drag of her cigarette and turns to go.
He’s still sleeping when she arrives,
this time she’s more careful not to wake him when she leaves.
The morning dew on bare feet remind her it’s time to move on -
the mountains are calling her name and to them she would roam;
it was always temporary,
changing with the seasons.
But to him -  
she tasted like skittles,
and she smelled like summer;
one he would never forget.

I live my life on the phone,
listening to the never ending ringing
and a pre-recorded voicemail
asking me to leave a message.
it's not even your voice,
which is all I've been longing for
the twang in it,
the way you say your name,
the way you say mine.
I miss you,
I love you.
my body craves your touch
but my soul,
it craves your sound
and the way it makes me feel.
five years ago it started
and since then I've spent it waiting,
always waiting,
waiting for you to love me
like I have always loved you.


For years I stayed through his ****,
a compulsive liar, selfish, demanding, always too serious.
But i loved him all the same.
Now I stand alone,
left in the cruelest way possible.
Ruined before,
now ruined even more.
The drugs,
they won him over
and now the drugs,
they help me cope.
I was lost with a road map,
But now even that's been burned
and I can't see which way is up.
I guess I'll just keep staying,
waiting on forever.


It just *****.
That's what I tell everyone when they ask me how I'm doing
And don't take my half hearted okay for the ******* answer it is.
It just ***** ya know?
He went barreling out the this world
just as suddenly as he came stumbling into mine.

loving me is not like loving others
i will give you every piece of me
and ask for nothing in return -

feel emotions you never knew existed
exuding out of my pores
in a fragrance stronger than your grandmother's chanel

and losing me will not be like losing others
i will scratch and scream and bite
fight for you to love me;
fight for you to care -

hold on too tight
and let go too slow
- giving up has never been in my nature

and when i do you will see
that loving me was not like loving others;
my flames burn too hot
for anyone else to give you warmth

I wanted to write something powerful about the time i was *****
But first i had to decide which one
There was that night in october my freshman year
When a guy i trusted took advantage of a young girl too drunk to realize
Or that time on christmas eve,
After a party, with a boy i ended up on a blind date with six months later
Or what about all those times someone forced themselves on me
And i was too ashamed to try and get away
Or guilted by them to say no,
Made me feel like i owed them my body.
Hands covering me even after i refused
As if telling me i don’t actually know what i want
Like if they just touched me anyways it would magically turn me on
Or that the way my body was curved to theirs was all the consent needed.

I tried to write about how i felt
But the feelings still overwhelm me,
Even after almost half a decade
How i was called a ****,
Told it wasn’t as bad as i made it sound,
Told that I was lying about how it affected me.
Told that he was drunk too,
Told that it was partly my fault
Told what a stand up guy he was
And when i think of that night;
i think of the next year
Him whispering in my ear during class
Hitting on me, trying to hang out
And feeling like i didn’t have a right to be...
To be…
I don’t even know how to say what i felt
Disgusted with him and with myself
Repulsed at the thought of my body when he was around
Sad, so incredibly sad that other people can understand my pain
I just get so overwhelmed i just become numb

And so here i am 4 years later,
Finally writing about the night i became just another number
Another statistic never truly understood
Forgot about in a day
But left with this pain for a lifetime
Still feeling the way he grabbed me
Mourning the loss of my body as my own
Trying to find the words to explain
But there are none to describe how it feels
When someone steals a part of you
That you can never get back,
Or the shame that hangs in the clouds
Even on your brightest days
So I’m sorry this wasn’t what i wanted it to be
But this is all i know how to say
About the days i can’t speak about.

i've never loved and hated someone so much in my life
sometimes i wonder how we ever got together,
feel the break up in each word we hiss out
for our beliefs will never be aligned.
i wonder how i never saw it,
his contempt for love and life

he tells me i’m a good person -
but he doesn't know i want to sleep with his best friend,
that sometimes i can't stand the sight of him
but know i have no where else to go.
he doesn't know how i dream of leaving,
taking off without a word
and hope it will break him to pieces.
he doesn't see the way my eyes glaze over,
purposefully tuning him out when he speaks
because i can't be bothered to listen
he thinks my kind words hold deeper meanings,
doesn't see my shallow promises
when i say i'll never leave.

if you fail once,
stop trying altogether;
distance yourself from those who care
and keep
running
away.

never get close
or let anyone in
that way you'll never feel pain again-
for a soul can only break so much before it shatters.

fill yourself up with the sins of the world
they'll give you an illusion of happiness,
enough to keep going into your next dismal day.

****
yourself
slowly;
let each breath feel like a knife to your heart -
know only pain in a world full of suffering.

let the darkness overwhelm
until it begins to feel like home
and make your bed
in a pit of despair.

cry yourself to sleep,
and smile during the day -
suffer,
but let no one know.

it does not matter how many times you tell me you love me
because that time when you wouldn't look me in the eyes is my most resounding memory
and no number of "you are beautiful"s
could ever undo the harm caused by my mother's spiteful eye
so instead i'll slip into another man's bed -
using their lust for me to fill my need to be wanted
and the distance of a one night stand
to avoid any further disappointment caused by my inevitable failure

if I could trade places with him I would.
if I had to give him up forever;
never see his face
or hear his voice
just to have him back in this world -
I could do it.
stab me through the chest and give my heart to him
let the beat run through his body and bring him back to life.
I will stand cut wide open and barely feel a thing
because just the knowledge that he is back
is better than any drug that he has ever done.
and I will give up my life,
dedicate it to him;
spend forever making sure he never feels anymore pain -
make sure he knows his worth.
I will carve his name into my skin and my soul;
let everyone know that I am his
and his alone.
living without him is not an option,
I will give him my last breath if that is what it takes.
Dear God,
give me one more day with him,
one more hour to say goodbye -
let me fill up his heart with love
so he can rest knowing how much he will be missed in this world
or let me go with him
and feel the everlasting fires in hell
or the peace of heaven
just let me never have to say goodbye to the one who gives me life.
I didn’t know a world with him in it
and now I cannot see one without.
in a place filled with darkness he gave me light,
a deluminator whose switch was crafted to turn on with words of love and understanding,
turn off by loneliness and desperation.
that white picket fence, it drove him insane;
wanted to get married at sixteen to a wild child who just wanted to fly
I didn’t know where I was going
or where I would end up
but I wanted him there when i got there
and I didn’t know how to convey that,
broke his spirit and his heart,
he went mad with his need for a family and my resistance to comply,
so young and in love
yet so confused we spun a fairytale into a nightmare
and turned our dreams into dust.

All of a sudden i’m back to a wednesday afternoon
And i’m thirteen again,
Startled by a knocking on the door
Followed by an angry bellowing
And i see a face i had thought i was done with.
The door begins to creak open
Left unlocked and cracked,
The naivety of a trusting child
Excited to be home safe from a long day of school
And i push with all my might
To close and lock the door
Afraid he would get in -
Afraid of what would happen if he did.
Tears begin to fall,
Hesitant at first to leave my eyes
Then cascading down around me
Trying to drown my fear and myself -
He can’t **** me if i’m already dead.
Right?

I can hear myself screaming
And feel myself shaking
But i don’t feel like i’m there,
Trying to block it out,
Play it back like a movie
Where if i just wait long enough
The hero will come in
Save the day,
And save me.
A minute feels like an hour
As i pray and i pray and i pray
Hold onto myself for dear life,
Digging my fingernails into my skin
Trying to awake from this bad dream
Craving something sharper to help ease the pain
And the pounding continues
as i realize this isn’t a dream
Or a nightmare
But the nightmare my life has become
What did i do to deserve this?



In time the commotion ceases
I’m left alone
Trapped in a horror worse than before,
Wondering if he has left
Or is just waiting for me to stop hiding
Peek out from the basement,
See if he’s gone
Waiting….
Waiting for the perfect moment
To wrap his hands around my neck
Tell me he loves me one last time and end it
A final goodbye
The final ending
Dear god why did you abandon me at this crucial hour?

I cry myself to sleep that night
And for the next few as well
Coming home becomes a chore
Fills me with dread as i enter the driveway
I’m afraid to be alone
Lost in a panic
My mind’s always racing
And paranoia has set in like a blanket of doom
Always checking my back,
Wondering when he’ll appear
Finish the job he didn’t before
The days keep coming
The nights feel everlasting
I wish i could run away
Find somewhere that feels safe
Somewhere he’ll never be able to find me
But i’m trapped in this hell hole i call my mind
And I know that leaving won’t change a thing.
I just want to feel safe
Why can’t i ever feel safe?

I loved you and you turned me to stone -
Took my soft words of caring
And sharpened them into daggers.
Stabbed me right through,
Cut out my heart
And left me to bleed out on the floor -
Stole the hope I had left and gave it to her
Used my kindness for your own personal gain
And got angry when I had nothing left to give

I loved you and you turned into a monster -
Or maybe you always were
And I was just too blind to see it.
The anger when things didn’t go your way -
When I stopped walking on eggshells
And began to raise my voice

I loved you and you destroyed me -
Broke me to pieces I may never repair
Rid my world of all that was good
Made sure I’d never feel safe;
That no place would ever feel like home
Forever bound to roam
Reminiscing on my life
Before I truly knew how hate could ****

The winds blows over
As the sun caves in
And I can feel my heart being buried;
The way he looked at me -
No through me
Spoke louder than his screaming at my door.
And panic settled into me
Like the rocking chair my body had become
With the mantra of leave me alone, leave me alone, let me go in peace!
I knew this would be it -
My end if he got in;
For he had lost when he thought he would win
Didn't break me as much as he'd wanted to
Didn't become the pawn in his scheme
I rebelled and made my own way
Took the knife out of me and stabbed him straight through
This would be his revenge
The ending of my life
But in the end all I lost was my safety,
My feeling of comfort and stability
And without that I can grow freely
Without inhibition become who I know I can be
He tried to destroy who I was
But in the end he just helped me to see

I talk a lot about staying strong -
But I don’t feel strong
Too weak for tears to even leave my eyes.
I speak words of why I live -
Endless reasons to keep breathing
When in truth I just don’t know how to die.
I preach of loving yourself -
Finding beauty in every day
But see my own world in shades of grey.
I write about bravery and growth -
Living my own adventure
When it’s always been for others that I’ve stayed.

There's something so beautifully melancholy about falling in love;
Knowing at the end there is only pain
and bravely trekking on anyways -
hoping it will be worth it in the end.
It could last years or months,
hours or only minutes -
Sometimes only seconds pass before a heart is shattered
and sometimes it seems like mere seconds
as a lifetime of love has come and gone.
Take in the moments while you can;
Worn out jeans and goofy faces,
all those hellos without goodbyes
and the way their eyes saw straight into your soul -
So that when faded paint is all that's left to remember
and the faint smell of cigarettes and **** is what tucks you in at night
you remember that these sacrifices are needed to make you feel alive.
Remember there wouldn't be good days without bad ones
and that you've survived so much before-
This too will soon just be another item on that list
Remember to keep living when there's nothing left to live for
and to love when the word's definition has been lost.
Remember, remember, remember -
to breathe when the skies fall around you
Because there is no high note in death,
no crescendo nor standing ovation,
no authors note nor sequel.
Remember to keep breathing.
You'll go mad but you'll pull through.
Learn to feel and love again,
find someone new to hold and give your heart to
knowing it will be smashed into a million pieces...
But I'd rather die a thousand deaths
before I never loved again.

Needless to say I was ******,
I was absolutely distraught;
craving time to scream and yell and cry -
only i couldn't, couldn't render myself vulnerable;
let anyone see me failing -
even as i brought the gun to my temple

i'm sorry i couldn't;
that i let you down
and broke your spirit -
left you out alone.
i'm not sorry i left;
stopped believing your lies
and playing your games
we were long overdue
a much needed goodbye.

what happens when i love you isn't enough
when it can't hold you together any longer
or fix the brokeness of your hearts.
what happens when you have to leave
save yourself and run
even if it means leaving your heart behind
what happens when goodbye doesn't
and leaving brought you closer together
will i love you finally be enough?

i know it's coming -
the gut wrenching,
life stopping heart break.
i can see it in his eyes
when he says i love you
and feel it in his arms
when he holds me at night.
even with words of comfort
and planning of our future
i know the end is coming -
wait patiently for him to come clean
and confess his love for her
for i am a storm,
and her a safe habor
and he wishes for peace

i love you isn't a strong enough word
it can't articulate how my heart flutters every time i see your face
or that when your arms are around me nothing in the world could be wrong
it doesn't describe the longing i have every moment that we're apart
or how i'd rather die than spend a single minute without you in my life
i love you does not contain the emotions i feel
it can't imagine the bliss that exudes when you kiss me on the forehead
or the giddiness of when you pull me in close and hold me like you'll never let go
it doesn't understand that kissing you feels more important than breathing
or all the ways you feel like home
i love you just won't work
there aren't enough letters in the alphabet to explain the way my heart beats for you
or the fear that festers inside and drives me insane when i think of you leaving
i love you will never be enough to make it clear how much you mean to me and the worth you've added to my life
but if you give me the chance i'll spend every day trying to make you understand

it's kinda funny that every time someone asks me how he died
i know i have to tell them he was a ****** addict with a bad batch of ******
then autocorrect takes over -
and it's "he was a heroine addict with a bad ***** of a heroine"

one rehab after another - he tried to get sober -
but always ran back to drugs
one relationship after another - he looked for someone to save him -
but always ran back to me

maybe i'll stop trying to fix my auto-correct
******, heroine - what's the difference?
we both killed him in the end

i just want to keep writing about you forever
i have so many things to say about you
so many things left to tell you
how much i loved you,
how much you changed me...
but honestly, i think i just write to pretend you never left...

i keep telling myself i have to live for you
experience all the things you never got to
get married, have children and grow old in you honor
but i don't know if i can,
i never wanted those things,
i never dreamed those dreams
they were yours and so they became mine
i would have done whatever you had asked of me to tell the truth
i would gladly die for you
but i'm not sure if i can or even want to live for you anymore
not when you couldn't live for me.

I keep a picture of you on my phone,
But it's not the one you'd think ––
Not from the night when we met
Or of your goofy grin,
But the one from after your death.
I wasn't there. Never got to say goodbye.
And sometimes I forget that you're gone.
So I keep this picture saved to my phone
Of a face so withered and old ––
Barely recognizable, but it's all that I got
When you were all that I would have ever needed.

i'll give you my heart
if you promise not to break it,
it's been you from the start
and we'll be the ones who make it.
you're my sunshine
when i'm sad and blue,
i trust you with my life
and i'll tell you i do.
a world without you,
not one i want to see
for as long as you're with me,
happy in love is what i will be.

from the moment we met
you took my breath away
every time i think of you
i forget what i'm doing
it's like the world stands still
and it's only you and me
so how could you leave me?
i said always and you said forever

how lucky am i?
meeting the love of my life in disney and so young
how ****** was it?
i wrote our vows, and accidentally deleted them.
but you died so i guess you're *******.

you're all i want
and all i need
the reason that
my heart still beats
your love it makes me feel so alive
and like there's nothing
that i could not survive.
be mine forever,
till the end of time
you'll be the star
of every love rhyme

is this what you wanted;
to make me cry?
does this make you happy;
to see me slowly die?
because that's what i'm doing...
i'm dying inside,
this pain that  i'm feeling
it's eating me alive
i see my heart on the floor,
smashed and scattered
i don;t know what to do now,
i'm all bruised and battered

let's hope this magic won't ever fade
because here in your arms i want to stay.
your love has been more than enough,
your arms around me, warm to the touch.
i look at you and it seems so clear;
together, right now
we were meant to be here.
your bright eyes sparkle in the sun
you make me feel forever young

you know i never got to kiss him?
not even once.
never felt his lips up against mine
or  the grizzly brush of his scruff
                                          (he could never really grow a full beard)
i never got to kiss him on the cheek
or even hold his hands,
so worn and tired from hours working
                                          (or at least so it always seemed)
never rubbed his temples after a long day to help take the stress away
i could only ever imagine how he'd relax,
finally lift the weight of the world off his back
and place it ever so gently on mine,
                                          (you see, i already carry the world on my back, and since he was my world it wouldn't have weighed me down too much more)
i was strong enough to carry it, to carry him.
but i never got to help lift the burden of his life
maybe if i had, it wouldn't have crushed him..

there's a hole in my heart,
it's where you used to be.
to the outside world
i still look happy and carefree
but it's a hallow facade
and it's fading fast,
i can't sleep,
can't eat,
i can't think!
not with you always on my mind.
you are driving me crazy,
i'm going insane!
i just need you here with me,
to help ease this pain.

guess it was the truth
when i said i loved you more
for this pain that's deep inside
has never hurt quite like this before.
it's funny how it all worked out -
you turned my world inside out
and took me on your wild ride
your love and laughter blinded me
now with this pain,
i still can't see
can't seem to get you out of my head,
miss talking to you at night in bed.

I believed all your lies,
all those stories that lead to goodbyes
"I'm not going anywhere,
and I will always, always be there"
what a bunch of bull you told me.
here hoping, praying that you will soon see;
you broke your promise,
broke my heart,
so was it a lie from the start?
you kept of playing with my feeling
now i'm just sitting here while you're leaving.
my heart is broken, broken bad
never thought I could be this sad,
what you did I can't forgive
and now i must find a way to live
with this hole that you have left;
in my heart and in my life.

jealousy, the green-eyed monster
dangerous as a fiend.
it waits to pounce,
creeping in the shadows
it takes control, it takes over,
making you paranoid.
your jealousy,
your green-eyed monster
is making me want to give up.

you left me.
you promised you wouldn't.
i didn't leave.
you made me promise to stay,
and so i did.
through the hurt and the pain
and the wishing for death's sweet release...
i stayed.
but i don't know where you went.

someone asked me out,
he could have been perfect...
but i said no;
i don't date, i have too much baggage
but that was a lie.
i see people all the time
i just don't see love,
not since the day you left
and took my heart with you...

There are words
that need to be written,
but I can't seem to find them.
Instead
they keep me awake;
searching
and searching
and searching...
reminding me of the past,
worrying about my future,
trying to figure out
where I went wrong
and all of the ways
I still could.
They say to just write
about what you feel;
but this pain extends deeper
than any given language
could ever hope to explain.
And if they don't exist
how can they be used
to help me recover?
When will I get a reprieve?
Find time for my poor soul to grieve.

snowflakes are falling from the sky,
yet here in your arms, secure I lie.
blinding light from the white wonderland
snuggling in closer, hand in hand;
with my head on your chest
your heart beats like the purr of a jet.
orange lights outline your face
and get lost in your crazy hair.
so peaceful, so quite, so lovely
but...
i know the truth, and the trouble you hide
but you've ****** me in.
i'll always stay by your side.

talk about restless;
minutely i change my mind
make plans,
change them,
forget about them,
and make more plans.
blend them together
now pull them apart.

i do the same with my looks
and my words
and my thoughts...
that's the scary part;
for a girl so restless,
you sure make me wanna stay.

Someone said you work too much,
and I laughed and said
"Don't we all?"
We work at our jobs,
on relationships and friendships.
We work on our appearance
through face creams and gym memberships
We wear war paint,
smear it across our faces playing a part.
We work on our smiles and our vocabulary.
We study and learn every day -
whether it be tabloids or dictionaries ;
we are always learning, working.
We work for money and adventure and love.
We work to feel young and to feel old
and anything but what we are.
We work and we work and we work,
from the moment we start breathing -
to the moment we stop.
You might say I work too much,
but maybe you just don't work enough.

Mirror mirror on the wall.
Watch me watch me while I fall;
and when the dark encloses me,
make it end, let me be.

I've worn this cross for far too long,
I've read this book, sung this song.
My life, to him I gladly gave
and he took my heart down to his grave.

But with him my soul cannot lie;
my wings were bound,
yet I was meant to fly.
I'll stumble through, try to fill this space,
from when you left me alone in this hellish place.

can you hear them calling?
calling, calling her name
they're waiting for her to come.
they don't know her name,
but are aware of her pain;
they've been through it all before.
dressed to the nines,
linked together in lines
supporting one another indefinitely.
their personalities screaming out loud.
a sense of togetherness surrounds
dulling that pain in your heart
but one thig's the same,
barely noticeable at first;
determination and courage represented
in that little pink ribbon and a race,
laughing together, right in fear's face.

broken stories,
broken trust
once thought love,
now revealed as lust.
mystery surrounding words,
meanings unclear.
I'm losing you
and all held dear.
hate filled lies
from a broken heart,
black brush strokes,
across delicate art.
no life to live,
no life to love.
searching for guidance
from up above.
can't understand
what you say now,
these bitter words
are ringing loud
keep all the hurt
locked inside...
my tears,
from you,
I must hide.

I can't tell you where you'll go,
for me myself I do not know.
I can't tell what the future will be,
when what's right ahead I can barely see.
do not try to fine where we will end,
first focus on making it around this bend.
let's take our time, stop, don't go to fast.
for we never know how long this will last.

friends forever,*
we'll always remember,
together we'll get through it all
we're one in the same,
we all share the blame
for the trouble we get into.
when you can't decide,
wanna run and hide,
we'll always be there to help you.
when sad and blue,
and through laughter too.
we share everything with each other,
you're a part of us all,
for you've helped build this wall
that keeps each of us standing.
without you I would die,
don't wanna say goodbye,
but you'll stay here in my heart.
we'll be friends forever,
always remembered,
together we'll get through it all.

can't find my way back home
I'm walking out here on my own.
life's a long and windy road
it's heavy and tiring carrying this load
I see you standing there along the way,
reaching for you, hopes just at bay.
I've walked alone sad and blue
this weary road is tried and true
fought my way through thick and thin
I'm searching and praying,
you're begging, let me in.
feelings, emotions are swirling around
confusion surrounds me
and I can't find the ground.
I fall astray, lost in the wind
forgive me baby for I have sinned.
I've given up and let you go,
chosen a path no one else would follow,
chosen a road no one could love,
become this person void of all love.
all hope is lost
I look to the sky,
and see you there,
helping me to fly.