I stopped keeping a tissue box next to my bed
I regret that now
as I reach over my headboard
for that familiar cardboard feeling

I bury my face into my pillow
as I had done countless times before
and wonder how
how I am back at square one
after building my dam
so strong; mighty
How did I get so careless to let it break
over nothing

I let so much grow over me
I cannot breath
heavy roots of tall oak trees
trapping my lungs
captive birds screeching to escape my rib cage
My brain-- empty
empty, yet so full
full of pieces of everything
yet nothing coming together

You say time heals all wounds
But flesh gets infected
Bacteria festers
Multiplies with every passing minute

I suppose things get worse
Before they can get better

Eventually the bacteria will die
Your blood will clot
Skin closing up
Leaving nothing but a scar
To remind you of the pain
Every time you get too close to love again

So yes, time heals all wounds
But at what cost?

I can normally only write from a place of hurt
But for you
I'll try to write from a place of love

When I think of you
I get the same warm feeling
as when I think of home
Comforting

You know me better than I know myself

I hate the way
you creep into my subconscious when I'm sleeping
unannounced
filling my dreams with new memories
giving me something fresh to hold on to
making me not want to wake up

Would you come to my funeral
Aroused by the sight of my lifeless corpse
So powerless
like you always wanted
Would it make you happy
to know that I could not speak up any longer
You would get your way
as I had given up
Would the though of me six feet under
give you hope that I'd never rise against you again
Would your mind finally rest
knowing my will could no longer be exercised
Would you read a eulogy
full of lies
About how you wished everyone could be at our wedding instead
How would you love again?

How do I find the key to free my soul?
Is it within me?
Must I dig out my teeth
hope to find it inside my gums?
Tear off a limb
maybe it will fall loose?
Skin myself
and find the small piece of metal floating in my blood?
Rattle my brain
pray it gets shaken from my skull?

But I know
in the end
I must tear my whole heart out
The key is there
Where it hurts most
Hiding amongst everything I have ever felt.

I miss the love you had for me
This isn't how things were supposed to be
If you were here, I wouldn't mourn
Would've saved me from being torn

I feel your presence like a faint hug
If only I felt a stronger tug
I miss you to no end
Oh how I wish time could bend

Your love for me cannot be matched
Now all I feel is a deep detach
I can't pretend you're coming back
Living with that is a skill I lack

I live everyday to make you proud
Even if you're not around
I search my mind to glimpse your face
Sometimes all I see is an empty space

They say that time heals all wounds
I doubt I'll feel better anytime soon
The void you left is far too wide
If only I could take it in my stride

You were the glue to this family
Now everything feels like insanity

I do everything I can to pull through
But I just can't seem to find another you

I starve my body in hopes
it'll nourish my mind
I toy with the idea
that I could feel any emptier as I skip meals
and stick a toothbrush down my throat

When I sit in front of the toilet
I wonder
If I was so small
I disappeared
How long would you mourn me for?