Honesty is not the same as truth
When we remember things so differently

When reduced to a body
By the man who held my worth
I thought
"This is what an apple tree feels
When reduced to paper"

You love how I don't love myself,
A little feels like so much to me,
I couldn't tell you didn't love me either.

Grief begins to clump,
In the shallows of my stomach,
Clay settles, builds, hardens
How can one be so full
After such a loss?
I loved who I was,
I speak of myself like a eulogy,
I am a priest over my own bed,
Demanding myself to leave,
To come back,
To do anything but lay here
I am grieving myself,
Becoming a mold for my own casket.

Fingertips brushing along a bent spine,
Grazing ribs and collarbone,
Not breaking, memorizing,
Show me again,
And again,
And again,
Love, how to love.
I didn't know I wasn't supposed to cry after,
I was just relieved it didn't hurt.

Collect your stardust,
Lay it beneath your feet,
Let me rise again,
Let me know love
Upon awakening,
Let me be loved,
Until I return to dust,
I will not be afraid,
To walk the Earth.

It impossible to tell the difference now,
Whether this ache was from your absence,
Or from your presence.

I don't know how to apologize for the bruises that are gone but I still remember, for the grooves you didn't make but fit into so well, and no of course you're not like him, but god knows he was nothing like himself either when we met, my body feels at home wrapped around your legs, but I still have to cover my throat when you lift your arms, I do not recognize love unless it is curled up inside of violence and if you don't hurt me I will so I feel like I still deserve you, you don't know it yet but even when I'm with you I will be with him, he will stand behind you until you both look the same and then I will leave you both behind but only he will follow, and I will be missing you but tasting another in the back of the throat, nothing, oh nothing, will take the taste of him away, and it's not that I can't love you, but that I can't love the part of me that loved him, and so you will never have a home inside of me, I burnt that shelter long ago.

It's okay to want the things you shouldn't
As long as you love the things you should
I tell myself to ease this guilt
When all that remains is nostalgia
And a warm bed

Am I still looking for him
When I search your face?

Forever is too long.

I am ashamed for not being as in love as I thought I was
My heart didn't break, I just needed to break the silence again
By running water over my legs like I never opened them
From the waist down I am myself but if you smell my hair
You would find the scent of homes I've been letting myself into
Just to see if the beds are more comfortable than my own
I'm not trying to fall in love I just want to buy more groceries
Hear cutlery clinking while I eat instead of chip bags opening
To take a picture of two bowls for a ******* instagram story
To tell someone I got home safe when I crawl into someone else's bed.

You brought peace
To a Battle fought for generations
Civil love feels like giving up
To a heart beating
In rhythm with war drums

You won't forgive me for this,
The fact I dont mind says more
Than what I did in the first place.

I am not a vessel for pain,
My body is not a graveyard,
To dig through,
To unearth,
To search for your losses,
If you come to me now,
Do not ask me for your past,
I have forgotten it,
Ask me for tomorrow,
Or do not come to me at all.

This always happens
I never understood how the storms in your eyes
Could make my heart so still
In the center of your chaos
I found a purpose
A home
Until your eye settle
And stop looking into mine,
I will love you.

If I could choose a different life,
I'd have already been living it,
If I could love anyone else,
I'd have left town years ago.

You only ever call me
To see if I'll still answer.

Of course,
I always will.

My shower won't stop dripping
My bed tips to the left and the bed springs stab me while I sleep
My closet growls at me when I open it like an unfed dog in the shelter
You said you'd fix this all for me, I said no, and no, and no - it's okay.
If you fix the shower you might want to fix the emotions that leak out of me in the middle of the night
When you remove the bed you might want to remove the memories of the man that ruined me for you
I growl like the closet door when I open open myself up, never willing to show you my skeletons dangling from their hangers
If my home isn't good enough for you, maybe I'm not either.

I have stood under hot water,
Pinching skin,
Breathing in steam,
Begging my lungs to heave,
To sob,
To wail,
I'm empty,
Just steam and grief,
Lodged in a moment,
I cannot escape from,
I am not happy,
You don't believe me,
I am not happy,
I am not happy,
I am not happy,
I cannot weap,
But I am not happy,
Do not take my smile,
Do not call it love,
I am not happy.

You asked me to marry you,
10 years ago,
On an old, musty couch,
You asked again today,
In a field of dandelions,
Standing there surrounded by wishes,
I wonder if the universe,
Thought I was ready this time,
Or if it was only reminding me,
Of everything I'd already lost.

Its showing in my face,
The reality of the last week,
If I could only unclench my jaw,
No one would ever know,
If no one saw me in the dark,
I could still pretend I sleep.

Are we more trusting,
If we're trustworthy?

I am married to memories of you
Living my life feels like cheating
On the life I had with you still in it

I fear that you're just like me.

To have survived,
Is to have every touch,
Feel like theirs,
This is how they win.

To live anyways,
Is to let myself be loved,
Feel whole again,
This is how I win.

How long will I look for my father's love in the beds of men who smell like him?
What will I do if I find it?

You are everything I hate in the world,
But your smile feels like home.

To obsess is in my nature,
To crave with my whole self,
Anything that takes away
From my whole self

Skin reflecting light,
Pools of sunlight,
On your temples,
Art meets movement,
Your speech
Pours out of your hands,
I listen with my eyes,
I know you best,
When you talk to my body
With yours
I see myself best,
In those sea blue eyes,
Greener in the morning,
A storm at night.

I'm happy.
By that I mean:
I want to be happy.
By that I mean:
I'm not happy.
By that I mean:
This isn't what I want.

Why do I say these things,
Only what you want to hear
Truth is more precious
Than feelings.
I know what happened that night,
So do you.

It won't be the same,
Happiness is something earned,
I don't have it to give,
I can't with you.

I heard about how kind you are
How good you are with children
You are a good man, you know,
I'm lucky to have you around.

I heard about where you were
When you didn't come home
How lovely you were with strangers
Before you came home drunk to us.

No one is good enough
Good enough died in 2019
I visit his grave sometimes
Before I visit you.

You belong here,
When you are trying to be enough,
Remember you already are.
The days when you feel nothing,
When the world slips between your fingers,
You still belong in it.
There is nothing wrong with you.
The weeds outgrowing your lawn,
Do not represent your laziness,
They represent the jungle inside of you.
It's okay that you're wild,
Do not tame yourself for anyone,
Do not cut your hair again,
For the sake of a photograph.
Your life is not a puzzle to put together,
You are whole,
Do not keep looking for the missing piece,
Look for someone who already sees your image
As complete, perfect, artwork.
When I told you that you were too much,
I meant only that I could not hold you,
I wasn't strong,
I'm sorry to have asked you to be anything else,
But the fire that you are.

The feeling of crashing
Beneath an ocean you carved
Waves you created
Choosing not to swim
When you know how
When fighting to breathe
Feels more like giving up
Than drowning does

It still hurts, seeing you exist
In this world where nothing happened
The way we wanted it to

Love is fickle,
I simply mean
That I only feel it,
When you're not being a piece of a ****.

It is important to remember
Something can be both terrible
And remarkably precious
I can tell you that my father
Has held me with all of the gentleness
And care one would use
To catch a snowflake in the air
He has looked at me with awe,
Love pouring out of him in a way
That overwhelmed the both of us
I can tell you that when my father
Raises his voice, I am still afraid
I do not know which is more relevant
I only know that both are true

I do not need to look in your eyes
Whisper honeyed words in your ear
Trace your tattoos like a memory
Those mornings are long gone
But tonight, I will love you
Like I never left to begin with

I am a fixer,
Every man I've ever loved,
I spent all my time,
Teaching them not to hurt me,
When they stopped,
I stopped loving them.

Day 1 of not missing him
when I wake up
Day 132 of trying not to think of him
When you tell me you love me
Day 786 of wishing he had meant it
The way I wish you didn't