I cannot believe my life has turned out this way.

Where did it all go wrong...

Everyday is a battle with my mind.
Somedays I wanna jump,
end it all,
taking every aspect of my existence,
and discarding it.
Tossing it far away so none innocent,
will accidentally stumble upon the haunted remnants,
of my once isolated life.

She and I are over now.
And still to this day,
I am unsure how to go about this.
she was the last I could trust..
My final glimpse of hope.
The tunnel is dark now,
and i'm all alone again.
Your candle essence lit the path for me,
my thoughts,
oh how they dissuaded.
You gave me a sort of clarity,
filling Her position in my mind,
hogging the volume my first love,
had so rightfully earned.
Reminiscing,
it was better than the last,
my first.
I had assumed my heart grew too cold,
what with this abandonment from humanity,
possibly no one being there for me.
I'm already thinking about you,
I want to call you and apologize,
and comment your seduction,
and tell you every little detail you want to hear.
My love,
atleast I thought.
I already miss our conversations.
You were really the only one who wanted to listen.
You were my only dream.
You sob over the possibility of my recollection,
but this is not reality.
In fact,
you are as deceived as I.

And from that moment,
I knew our chapter was over.

im not sure how much longer I can hold on

Oh fate.
My lovely fate.
However will she choose?
.
.
The anticipation is lingering.
One path promises immediate satisfaction.
The other,
Well,
We both know how that would feel.
I want her.
But the certainty I have of me being unchosen is overwhelming.
Second choice one too many times.
I cannot blame you however.
I chose this fate and fate’s grasp shall always outreach me.
I was hoping you’d be there for me,
Regardless,
You will be.
But only until our true departure arrives.
It was a good thing.
You and I.
What felt so real with such a short life.
Im certain you’ll forget my existence.
I know that won’t be possible for me.
I’ll stoop into another phase of isolation,
Rejection,
And fear of those who try and enter this dark,
Decrepit life of mine.
Can you truly blame me for my fear of humans?
It’s been so long,
Since I’ve had someone.
Having you in my arms is beyond words for me.
So please,
Don’t feel remorse for hurting me.
I had no place in your life to begin with.
A stone on the pathway only to be second glanced over the arch of your shoulder.
What I would have given for you to have chosen differently.
I could be your one.
Your only one.
And despite your dissatisfaction with what I consider conventional relationships.
What I see is -
Essentially something beyond words.
At the core of two beings in harmony,
Is quite possibly the rarest element on earth.
Love,
Is what I could have given you.

Hey you.

I’ve been pondering whether or not I should do this..
Seeing as our shared duration of interest with one another was so short.
Well,
On your end atleast.
However,
For myself,
And my own contentions,
I wished it had continued; so I will write one last time as a means to find some clarity in my delusions over you.

I.
I promised myself I wouldn’t fall for you.
That I would ignore the underlying feelings
that had been created the moment we met.
To this day, I share mixed feelings regarding us.
If there ever was an ‘us’.
Sometimes I talk to myself, convincing the inner mind that I should’ve tried harder with you, fought tooth and nail for you.
Yet,
Near our end,
I knew this wouldn’t fit your agenda.
You desired something else.
Something I completely disregard via my own experiences.
Once perhaps,
But now,
I seek the opposite.
A friend,
but more.
It’s always more with this body.
It cannot be satisfied by means that I am aware of.
But you.
For a moment,
which I’m sure you’ll doubt,
I was vividly content with my life whenever I was by your side.
For the first time in six years I felt what I had felt back then.
You broke rusted chains of bitter emotion that had restrained me,
that kept me in the dark and isolated me from my own positive emotions.
It’s been over a month now.
I feel immense pain over you,
Yet somehow it’s bearable this time.
I feel pain, and I feel nothing.
Two sides of my own coin that will remain separated,
And never to be conjoined.
Will I ever be able to better understand what I seek,
Or who I am?
Why must I be different from the others?
These questions remain foggy.
Nevertheless,
These sentences are not intended to make you feel guilty nor remorseful in any way.
I just needed to write I guess.
And how could I blame you?
You saved yourself a great deal of pain and difficultly fleeing whilst you had a chance.
Perhaps you never cared for me..
Or maybe you did.
I’ll never truly know,
and that’s what most saddening about our experience together.

Perhaps I am still paying off the debt of karma that was acquired from the first heart I broke.

II.
Whatever fate decides.
I will always miss you, beloved

Can we start over?
Can we be strangers again?
Let me introduce myself
We can laugh and talk
And relearn what we already know
And come up with new inside jokes
And create new memories
And give each other
A second chance.

In the wake of morning,
I feel as if I have awaken from the dead.
No enthusiasm.
No care for really,
Anything.
You see anonymous reader,
I lost what was once precious,
And as soon as you've sampled,
The richest flavor,
The mind simply cannot forget.

Day by day I am haunted with a
Barrage of memories from the dark,
Hidden past of my first life.
Who would've thought I'd end up like this,
An individual who can barely carry the Weight of his own shoulders.

Day by day I ache with a pain of
Unbearable agony.
Where has She gone?
Will She ever return?
Is what I ask myself constantly.
As of now,
You are nothing more than my imagination.
A thought.
Existing solely in the labyrinths
Of my own tainted clarity.
The last time I held You,
Kissed You.
Is all in my mind,
A record of what we once were.
The truth is I've been alone since You.
It's not that I can't find intimacy.
But once you've lusted and
Feel the emptiness that comes
With wasting your time on an
Individual who has no real
Purpose in your life.
It's maddening.
A repeated cycle of physical
Abuse & mental fallacy.
You see,
None can really compare.
The unseen scar of love.
What a beautiful tragedy we were.

When I look into your eyes
There's always that little spec of light
The twinkle that dances on the edge of your pupil
And in that twinkle I can see
That you really do love me

**** yourself R, worthless *** ****. You know no one gives a **** about you or your worthless degree. Entertainment
.... you go for entertainment when the world is ending... I always knew you were a worthless dumb ***** with no real sense of what’s occurring within the world. End it, stupid ******* ****

I'm trying love.
I'm trying to move on.
But fate laughs at me,
kicks me down & spits in my face,
"You know she's the one!"
"You've ruined everything!"
stop.
please God.
I can't stop crying over You.
And You don't hold the slightest
regard.
I wish You cared about me,
but who longs to touch a dead
body?
and what does one do when life is no
longer worth living?
I cannot answer these questions.
I've lost my sanity,
and these thoughts never end.


Where I am headed,

is uncertainty.

an irony.

it means you have achieved in disgrace what I have always sought to be.

you're beautiful
not the stereotypical kind
more like a forest fire
destroying everything
yet still lighting up the whole sky

I gave so much
at the expense of my own tarnished soul
and now you hate me,
why?
because I couldn't do it anymore?
or
because so quickly I was gone?
on an entirely different road
from what I once struggled along
I couldn't do that anymore
I needed to go
to get out
to be free
Whats wrong with you?
Did I not sacrifice enough of me
to meet your expectations?
would you rather I died?
Became a roadkill?
because that's where I was headed.

goodbye love.
I guess this is truly it.
hadn’t imagined this day would come,
but here it is.
slamming me in the chest like a car wreck.
Do your best to recover from my addiction,
After all,
You will be the true one to strive from our separation.
Ignore the conflict,
regress the true moments between us,
The ones where we truly only had one desire,
the desire to feel something other than complete isolation.
A life which we were both too used to living
You were there for me,
when I had been broken time after time.
I think that's what did me in.
That,
And the damage I caused to Her.
My first ever loss,
That has overfilled my tank with regret.
When I found you,
I was already broken too far.
Cheated on,
Lied to,
Time
After
Time.
I've been wronged so many times,
It's destroyed everything that was once innocent.
The soul that once was has been tainted for some time now.
After all,
Damaged goods are worth nothing to the merchant.
Ultimately,
I'm sorry for putting this burden on you.
My toxic influence is too much for any women to handle.
My promise was sincere,
I will always be there for you.
But this Is the end.
There's no purpose for me anymore.
I vowed you as my last hope,
I..
Yes,
I will be moving on in another way.
A way that will satisfy us both.

she's lost me.

well not necessarily,

I've lost her,
as usual.
it always tends to happen like this...
intense passion,
for a brief period,
slowly dying out.
like a tree that soaks the nutrient from its surroundings.
growing too fast for its own good,
we withered away without even noticing we never really loved each other.
you were nothing more than a momentary relief,
tricking myself into thinking I could actually fall in love again.
to think that I'm writing this type of poem about you really allows me to understand that I have lost everything with meaning.
first it was her,
she,
that other girl,
and now you.
it's become so typical now.
I always tell myself I'm going to stop.
enough of putting myself in this position,
over and over,
resetting the timer of when I'll be hurt again.
for some reason I was hoping you'd be the one to save me.
but it seems you need some saving of your own.

I think.



Yes,



I'm sure this is it.



The final sign.



The last move.



I.

My Love,

I was sure You were the one.
You gave me such hope,
such contentment.
If You could understand,
the way I feel about You.
Well im not sure.
But now?
This is an all time low.
I have never felt this worthless.
What is the value of my life?
Nothing.
At least to You.
And what about me?
Who do I care for?
Where is my loved one?
Why does no one ask?
Oh right.
Sometimes I forget how alone
I actually am.
And sometimes I don't even think
You notice,
or care.
This isn't something You could
possibly hope to understand.
You've always had someone.
You've always been loved.
Even if it wasn't me.
After all this,
I truly believe I am to blame.
I set You on this path of
destruction,
this craving for something more,
starting with our own failed bond.

My Love,
I am unworthy of apologizing.
The damage that has been done...

But i'm sorry,
I'm sorry for ruining this.
I'm sorry for saying hi to You
I'm sorry for saying forever
I'm sorry for everything.


II.


Why can't You see you're all I desire?
Don't You want true love?
Don't You crave a companion,
who longs to spend
every waking moment with You?
I do not understand.
So I will continue this journey of
uncertainty.
This path through hell.
And I walk alone.
It is clear to me.
I was destined to be alone.

Come back.
I want you to come back,
Miss me like I miss You,
I wish everything fell in place,
Like it was earlier,
Those memories we've had,
Are the best ever,
I keep thinking about,
The days we were together,  
All the gifts You gave me,
The cute letters You wrote,
I want You by my side,
I miss the times we spent,
The long phone calls,
Exchanging cute smiles,
I want You to hold my hand,
Kiss my forehead,
And tell me You'll be there,
Forever and Always,
But I just keep hoping,
Even though I know,
We're never getting back.

Remember that day when we were sitting on the rocks?
the day we kissed for long hours
I decided I wanted to stop time there.
Everything was just amazingly perfect.
But then it was over,
I went one way, You went another.
My perfect moment was dead, gone.
And now as I remember You kissing me
when You gave me a kiss in every single part
claiming it yours before anybody else
how you kissed my cheeks, my neck.
I don´t know if You remember.
I do.
And it hurts.
Every single thing You touched in me burns
it consumes my every happiness.
my will to move on.
How did You do?
How did You forget?
I guess You are lucky.
Or maybe You just don't care.
But please, I beg You
Help me forget.

I want to remember your laugh
And the way you look when you walk away
I want to turn back the hands of time
In hopes that you choose to stay
I want to know how you're feeling
But I know that's not fair
I want you to hold my hand
Although I shouldn't care
I want you to see the clouds
The way I see them
But I know this can't be so
For I'm the flower, you're the stem

How much longer will this petty game continue?
It was clear I still needed you after my farewell
And it's persisted until the present;
Today I miss you
Like man underwater grasping for air
A desire with no real intention beside perceiving what it means to be alive
You see, there is no hope in you and I
For I am the flower, and you are the stem

Never forget, a citizen of your **** country started the Anti-Vax movement. You stupid ******* ****, acting like your country is special, I hope you empty a clip into your skull. Dumb ******* ****, get measles and DIE ******* *****

“What?
Hey let go,
Just stop it,
You can’t do this to me understand?
Help me
Help me
Please help,
Somebody.
.
You’ll regret this believe me
I’m going to ****** you.

I pity you.
You’ve consumed so many different personalities,
You’re sense of self is beginning to disintegrate, bit by bit.
And sadly,
You no longer know for sure which one of them is your true self.”
- Ep 13. K Project

I.
Where do I go from here?
Mind: “Move on.”
How can I?
Daniel,
How can we possibly find a better human than her?
“MOVE ON”
The mere thought pains me.
Heart pounding,
Blood pumping viciously.
Thoughts brew wildly calculating what I’ve done wrong.
Everything,
Negative.
How will I be able to recover from her?
She was my counterpart,
The one whom was connected to us.
We would finally have a real companion.
Finally,
For once, a real friend.
Have we ever had one, daniel?
Do you understand this pain M?

M.
Why couldn’t you have stayed?
Cherished what I offered,
And allowed me to rebuild with you,
that which I’ve aspired to share with another.
My willingness to love,
To appreciate,
To trust another,
To give another a chance like you had been given,
It has gone dormant again.
It was growing rapidly when we were together.
I was certain,
Claiming each morning before class,
This is yet another day,
I will spend with my future love.
For all our absence from each other,
I’d hoped you had waited for me.
As I had waited for you.
The other half of an illusionary love story that might actually pan out in my interest for once.
Hearing you move on,
Abandoning the trust we had been building.
It will surely cause a few nights of restlessness.
Surely another step deeper in isolation.
The cons of being an empathetic person.
I wanted you, darling.
More than any other.
But I must accept you do not desire me.
Not in a way in which I desire you.
Perhaps you do feel regret,
But not enough to change your mind,
Not enough to make you come back.
What I could have given you,
Is what I will always have on my mind.
Our laughter together,
our inquisitive chats,
our children.
Unimaginable for you, right?
Psychotic even perhaps.
That is what I saw in you, love.
I sought to grow with you,
Continue our goals,
And seek to one day be truly together.
To be in realization of my shattered dream,
Well,
I’m not sure you can imagine,
Nor can I explain.
It’s pain of a first love,
All over again.
It’s almost as if I can feel the memory paths of us slowly being erased.
Another experience with another,
Yet, I remain broken.

“Sorry for all this.
But I guess that’s that.

Don’t pretend to be sorry when you didn’t do anything to prevent it.
You knew it would come to this, and did nothing to help yourself.
This is the end, but it didn’t have to be.”

It would be so out of character
To treat people how they treat me

But oh how sweet
Revenge could be

I dreamt of a day,
Not so long ago.
The cool winter breeze,
Accustomed.
You & I were all alone.

Anyway. Just because you believe in something it doesn't mean that anything will come of it. Sometimes you suffer great misfortune for believing in something too much. There are times that's it's tough to believe in anything at all.

She'll never be mine,
and so the story must go on.

I do not fear the earth I tread
Beneath these darkened skies
My quest is to walk in honesty
Escaping deciet and lies
Each day I am reminded
By this challenge of mine
It's like scaling the highest mountain
That man will ever climb.

Will
the magic,
the tenderness,
the caring
still be there
when next
we meet again?

Has
too much
damage
been done
to this heart
of mine
to let me love
freely--
as in the past?

I think
this time
I will
venture
slowly
into this
relationship
called Love.
I will
remain alert
and wary
for any signs
of wear--
and if in fact
I find
that my heart
cannot be
repaired
then
I will
transplant
myself
into a state
of unviewed
emotions
and vow
to never again
fall for this
journey
we call Love.

No poetry this time.

Just here to say that love is a futile effort.

Never found,

Never held,

I will remain alone for as long as I exist.

Cursed by my influx of unnecessary emotion.

Your face
is the portrait
I would paint
if I was blessed
with the gift
of artistry.

This update rlly *****

Every time I try to close my eyes you're there
And I can't for the life of me get you out of my head
Or the way your curls would fall into my eyes
And tickle my face and you would laugh
And shake your hair in my face some more
And your eyes would beam with love
And I never wanted anything more
But now here I am sitting on my computer
Writing a poem about you
And you have already forgotten my name
And I'm still in love with you
Please come back.

i'll close my eyes and pretend
this is not the end
tell myself I can change
better things are within range
~
but i need to face reality