You left this world
So long ago
The last time I saw you
Burned into me
Like a brand on
skin
Your words
Faint
Thru cruel age.
What was it you said?
I couldn't
make it out
Your frustration showing.

That feeling
Lost words
Haunting me
As tears burn
After all these
years.

It used to fill my chest
But now sinks sickly in my stomach
Shrinking daily
Cracked and wounded
Sorely shamed &
Counterfeit.

Those foolish words
you..                            hesitate
To say,
Just might make
someone's day.

Pain is an abstract
Written
On souls and skin.
Bruises show our tenderness,
Though wounds
May lie within.
Twisted, broken
Flesh will mend.
Hearts yield
Against love's sting.
Beat me.
Bleed me.
Torture me.
I can't feel a thing.

All the love that I disgraced
All the time I chose to waste
All the pain that I denied,
Just left me dead inside.
All the happiness I feigned
All the damage I sustained
All the hope that I supplied,
Just left me dead inside.
All the lies I told myself
All the conflict that I felt
All the bitter tears I cried,
Only left me dead inside.

I carry a home inside me
So fragile, the floors
where I sleep are hard.
Little comfort or warmth.
A temporary shack.
Thank you for
the bricks and clay,
Mercy and joy.
A palace that one day
I'll lose — as you won't be there.

Hung on hooks!
Hung on hooks!
A heart
With nothing left.
Remove
The offal
Without a motive,
Sitting in my chest.
Chase the soul out
from its
Ugly cage,
**** the light
That lived inside.
Don't look for me
Anymore,
Just let them know
I tried.

This loveless shell
Has
no pulse,
Just an ache.
Has
no emotion,
Only time.
No more friends.
No desire.
Countless scars.
Left in howling night,
infinitive.
Stripped.
Anonymous.
Wanting.
I'm not
afraid to die.
But mercy terrifies.
Euthanize
this wounded beast.


I am a ghost in your wake.

Not cherished
But chastised.
Not so much loved
As loveless.
Not so much living
As wearing out.
Not a life
A life sentence.
No longer human
Just human remains.

You say —
"Tomorrow is another day."
Like it's a good ******* thing.
You don't know about
My yesterdays but
My todays are numbered.
I'm falling away,
Giddy in the undertow...
Howling at the moon.
I want to write sonnets on your skin
with my tongue —
Eat your boiling core like a starving wolf.
Give me a reason
To stay,
And I'll dance, whirling in the craters of
your soul.

I loved so much
I became just a husk
Drained of all the goodness
within.
Though my heart is intact
Every facet it lacks
May as well
Be hung on a hook.

This quiet girl,
A force of nature.
She is keeper of keys,
Joy and season.
Thread in the fabric of bliss.
Essential.
Queen
Divine in council.
A honeydripper —
Vitriolic in wrath.

I'm possessed,
Gratefully tortured by her memory.
Lingering
Yet, forever gone.

A tear-stained letter,
Black light, white noise.
Knife in hand,
Final kisses trace my throat —
Left to right.
Each ****** convulsion
A jubilant jig.
No tears or regret,
Nought to lose
Just love, hope and innocence.
Pills and shrunken heads
Left far behind.
Forever.
Your words no longer save me —
The rot in my head,
My blackened voice entirety.

I love you and I'm sorry.

Is there love left?
After that emotional
car wreck.
Jaws of life
taking my heart.
Now
I feel slight affection
A lust. Primal,
disconnected.
More like a hunger,
Vampiric.
Feed me.
**** me.
But the gentle thunder
of love
Majestic.
You took that
from me.

We talked about
The things
I couldn't put you through.
The end of my pain,
Your genesis.
My life unknown
Unused,
Swallowed whole.
Slowly, each day —
Hell upon Hell.
Falling stars
Crashing to ground,
Cataclysm.
Friends. Lovers.
I never meant to waste away.

I'd never call you perfect,
It wouldn't fit.
Perfection is ugly.
Perfection is cruel.
I could never love
Such a tidy measure.
Give me—

the maelstrom of passion,
the divine silence
Present in your heart.
Your
Perfect
Imperfection.
That's all I ever saw.

Never give
Never breathe
Never love
Never leave
Never scream
Never ache
Never fly
Never hope
Never hurry
Never cry
Never worry
And you will never die.

It's been a year,
Since you left
Time's supposed to heal
But it hasn't touched
me yet.
Everything is the same
Tho the world
Has changed.
All the days are
numbered, and
I still feel strange,
Without your hand
                your voice.
I'm sick of love
I'm sick of choice,
I'm sick of always feeling this way.
Every single ******* day.
It's been so long,
It's been a year.
Despite the odds —
I'm still here.

Still,
There is so little reason
Left for me to love.
Time has passed
As a roaring torrent,
Washing it all away —
The importance.
The burning passions.
Yet
I lie awake
Staring into unforgiving
darkness.
Wishing to be heartless,
Dying to be nothing
Once more,
Rather than know
another day without you.
After all this time,
No escape.
No escape.

It is easy to feel distant
At 5:55am,
My head a little sickly
My eyes like holes in snow.
Lights still out.
No history is made
Nothing yet laid out
in cold stone.
It's okay to feel alone
When you're a million
miles from home.
Hurt is just a metaphor
For paths we didn't take,
Each and every thought you have
Are just Godless mistakes.
We're unloved and empty
It's a fact you fail to see,
We're just little boats
Floating on a mighty sea.

ain't the pain
ain't the cost
ain't the love
though love is lost
you were right —
It wasn't real
without you here
Joy feels surreal.
ain't the words
that tore my skin
ain't the void
I feel within
ain't the yawning chasm nights
ain't the dying of the light
ain't the urge to conjure blood
Or things I haven't said but should
The future isn't even kind
I beg you
Leave my world behind.

My heart ran cold
When you talked about visiting.
Happiness, reality.
I choked
Realising that I couldn't
Give you a thing.
To act human,
To show warmth. To be natural.
To smile, act confident —
I have forgotten how.
Upon loving you,
I could only disappoint.

11:38pm Friday night
Lost again
To your memory
The nights we spent
Blissful
Unaware of what
we could lose
Dashed upon the rocks
Bitter
Disappointed
Unsurprised.

there is no joy in removing this,
no pleasure forgetting you.
pretending to forget,
to make the days easier,
the nights shorter.
I miss telling you "I love you"
those words now deadened
in my throat.
I hate these terms of undoing,
when you are all I remember
and the world is cold
and sterile.
those gnashing smiles of carefree pasts
reminding me
to be grateful
because all you lost is a woman
plenty more fish
better to have loved and lost
time heals all wounds
it wasn't meant to be
ILLCUTOUTYOURTONGUE
she was not that.
she was starlight in the chaos
meaning and reason
the voice I loved
a reason
where there was none.

I found immortality in a dream
something something
A secret Beatles album,
Songs rearranged.
And though the answer quickly fades
I was glad to know.

Loving her
Was like finding an ocean
After a lifetime
Treading
in muddy puddles.

I hope Death is like the sea,
Vast, endless.
So I can float on
Raging waves.
No land in sight,
Just
Magnificent,
Infinite
glory.
And we are
Never afraid.

Now that you're gone
My life is but
little deaths.
Slowly languishing,
In the early hours —
Solace,
In the moon's strange rays.
I was a stranger to your love.
Perfect.
A destructive
Hunger,
            Spiraling
                       ­    Inward.

If this is the end.
If this is the goodbye.
Just
Keep me in your heart,
A
Moment
Longer.

Nothing's left
That's worth my breath
I fought and fought
To stave off death
I wrestled demons
You couldn't see
becoming something
I shouldn't be
I cut through sinew
I splintered bone
Despite the company
I suffered alone
You said you cared
I thought you knew
I'd never survive
Without you
As skin was tested
blood bloomed
My will was bested
denying doom
I saw it hung
behind each scene
Your heart unshackled
Your conscience clean
Love fits so neatly
back on the shelf
My final desire
To erase myself.

At times I try
To curb my misanthropic ways.
I try to see the beauty,
Inherent in "our kind".
Instead
I see the greed
         the selfishness
         the vanity.
I see you
Scuttling like ants.
Mindless as cattle.
The individual
Feeble
Uninspired
Disappointing.
I'm poisoned by
your presence.
compromised
thru proximity
you.
you make me sick.
This dreadful fate —
...
I think I died
And
This is Hell.

Was it worth it?
Was it worth the hurt?
If you knew —
Would you pay the toll?
Though the cost is high,
Ultimate.
The punishment; severe.
I wouldn't hesitate.

This feeling.
This phase.
Let it die.
My bones and heart are weary,
Beyond sickness or displeasure.
Let me wallow in this lousy passion,
I want the ripe solace of moist flesh,
Succulent sin.

There is nothing left,
No love
No joy
No hope.
I want to let go,
escape
this debt
That must be paid
Without regret.
I cannot endure
This daily
Punishment.
I cannot feel
This way again.
I'm losing myself
To endless pain.

It doesn't matter,
Another year passing —
You're all talking
Sweet light
Huddled in the corridor
Chatter like a dripping tap.
its dull crescendo
flowing through me.
Blood pulsing in my skull.
My internal dissection.
I'm less than before,
always
stalling.
I won't be here much longer
I won't miss a thing,
Just the words that left me out.
Yuletide misery,
God rest my ******* soul.

Those deleted words that
didn't fit.
Ugly lines became
Ugly li_es.
Unfaithful
Misrepresentations
No better than
Knee **** I love you's
Said to prevent harm.
These lines
Should speak my name —
Painful, raw
Like cuts on skin.

There is no secret —
No savage lesson in this pain.
This day brings no joy,
The sun — no warmth.
I can't see your face.
Your voice, faint.
There is no comfort in memory,
Only loss.
Each colour fades.
Each night restless.
Each hope vanquished.
Your love has taken
part of me.
Erased.
Organs
neatly stacked.
Soul perforated.
Spirit sullied.
Heart frantic/
Bruised.
Your lips —
My Sweet Armageddon.

I can't get this sickness
                                         — out of my head
                                             I'm God's lonely man
                                             Stuttering
                                             Left behind in violent days
                                             Doomed to this love
                                                            ­      these reminders
                                             Cutting their teeth on my heart
                                             A pain that will not,
                                           cannot stop
                                             This mad devil
                                             Wants to
                                             Finish
                                             The job.

This pain —
Now my only duty.
It is my God and sun.
It is my strength and weakness,
As all else fell away.
It is the echo of her name.
It is all the roads in Greece,
I walk them daily
To know each crack.
It is all that I have left —
My currency and shame.
This pain.

through streets like open sores
I'm here.
hissing chatter
Invading my skull,
creeps down my spine.
pressure building.
it's all in your head.
You are the only one here,
feeling like this.
I'm outside, standing in the street —
Sun on tired eyes.
worms pushing
under my skin.
9am.
the doors are open.
Your appointment,
try not to cry.
But they don't understand,
you look human.
"Don't you want to work?"
"What do you enjoy doing?"
no. good.
let me bite     my ****** misery
and pour it
                 down  
      your throat.

You killed me softly in my sleep
Placed empty kisses on my eyes
You ate my heart
You gnawed my bones
Butchered me with silent lies
You planted roses in my chest
To bloom in honour of my death
I still feel the thorns dig in
Though I no longer draw a breath
I am a monument to pain
I am a temple to despair
Wholly still and ruinous
Forgotten love beyond repair

You made it clear
               with so few words
That it really didn't matter
Anyway.
Just words and nothing
more.
No more expectation.
No more truth
unpurchased. No deadly potential.
Nothing more than
       the weight of dreams.

Remember me how I used to be.
Remember my better days.
Remember the summer nights.
Forget my tragic ways.
Remember my burning kisses.
Remember I meant it all.
Remember the times I held you.
Forget the curtain call.
Remember my strength and passion.
Know I think of you still.
Remember I always loved you.
Remember I always will.
Forget the man who's here today.
Forget the man I am.
Forget my face.
Forget my name.
I'm not worth a ****.

Each empty Street calls my name
Though I am lost to them.
I trod their alleyways
Looking for the world that was promised.
I found the empty chalice of love,
I found midnight fires.
I found mistakes.
I found disappointment.
But never the world.

Judge me in that final moment
I deserve my childish fate
Stick in pins and I won't feel it,
Purgatory won't have to wait.
I've been there all the time we've talked,
I called you from its darkest bank.
You didn't know my disposition,
Drowning, further still I sank.
It's okay to doubt my heart —
A piteous thing with little nerve.
It blisters in the fire, it sickens,
Your scorn is all that I deserve.
So take care and walk away,
I hope good fortune finds you soon.
Leave me with my tilted mind,
Howling underneath the moon.

You sent a message
So unfamiliar
With contact,
I froze.
a rabbit in headlights.
So many friends
Have come & gone
Pushed away,
True colours — blushing
As I lay in my misery
Not worth your time.
Poor fortune
Conjures truth
Without remorse.
So my answer was "no"
"I can't"
I'm not human
Anymore.

I remember a time when
I mattered.
So far away now,
Forgotten
Under scars of time.
Indifferent from
the heartache,
It's perspective dulling
Memory.
A rot
Uncertainty
Inhumanity.
I was born
Unnoticed,
To be forgotten.

My mistake.
Forget the signs of
vulnerability,
My tender soul
And all the errors
That slipped
from my lips.
I wouldn't fit in your world.
The beast within
Would tear
hot throats
Beneath the silver moon.
I cannot play nice
Or fit in.
Jealousy, rage —
Impropriety
Betray this honest man.

Less than human
Akin to demon
The pain of being
a man exhumed
Nothing left inside
just a cold dark
shell, Consumed
by darkness in
This living Hell
Choking on silence
extolling violence
To please the beast
Bound and ******
Hungry and shamed
Through kindness
Through virtue
The monster remains.

You never
gave me a purpose.
You didn't
"complete" or define me.
I never understood
that need.
I was never incomplete,
Just broken.
I was
before you.
I am
despite your
destructive indecision.
**** your boredom.
**** your lies.
What came next was no surprise.
I was moving forward,
Regardless.
You just gave me motion sickness.

You loved me,
Darkly.
Speaking in silent tongues.
Secrets
For us alone.
My stygian heart —
Exhumed,
Glorious in your rapture.
In you I am burning.
In you I understood.
Without you.
Lost,
Wandering.