My body floats on the still lake water
as if I was a weightless piece of trash.
Nonrecycable and sent out to nature to vanish forever.
Helplessly, the white seagulls would fly over me,
circular in pattern, then the grey skies followed.

I begin to count each white seagull with their black, beady eyes, 1, then 2, then 3,
I lost count as my eyes became lazy with the evening sky.
It burdens me so as to why I started to grace the surface of the water in the first place. I could not fathom a reason or contemplate a thought as to why my fate led me here.

I became a floating vessel of skin, blood and bones, then I began to take on the murky water and sink.

Am I being erased into a watery grave and by the hand of some unknown entity?

I swallowed my last breathe of life. Slowly sinking to the bottom of the lake.
My mind erases the watery scene as I close my eyes forever.

Then I awoke in my own bed!!

We rang in the new year
On a mattress thrown on your
Living room floor
With the ball drop
On a desktop computer screen

The sound was lagging
Behind the images
And we were laughing
At how we always end up
Stuck in the past

You threw your arms around me
And let your kisses land
Carelessly wherever
They fell

And I outlined your jaw bone
With my pointer finger,
Threading it through
Your beard
And looking into your
Lazy eyes

You counted the times I said
"Like okay" at the beginning of a story
And by 5 AM , you announced
We'd reached a healthy twenty

You kept apologizing
For the way your dog
Was relentlessly
Licking my neck
But honestly
Even with her slobber
And yours
Dripping over my collar bones

And even with the night air
Tingling on my thighs,
Just a little too thick,
Just a little too warm,

Even with my straightened hair
Curling at its ends

And your brother's girlfriend's
Faint moaning sounds from behind
A locked door

There was nothing I'd rather be doing
Than watching your eyes expand and contract
To the rhythm of your stories
Before the blue light of television
Overlapping moon lit window sills
And dark spaces

You are the yellow light love,
Symbolism with a pulse,
Saying "it's officially 2017"
With a begging grin
And an undercurrent of
Gentle laughter,
Standing for change
And growth
And warmth
And simplicity

You are transparent
And in the palms of your hands
I see the year panned out
In blue veins
And freckles

And it is kind hearted
And it is forgiving
And it is kissing my forehead
And letting me breathe

I know this is going to
Be a good one

Safe
there is nowhere I feel more safe than
in your arms.
you value me
you cherish me

you support me
you respect me

you love me
you complete me

When I opened the Christmas gifts you got for me and vice versa.

On the way out to eat, you looked over your right shoulder just to observe traffic and all I could think about was how clear your eyes were from my view.

Every single time we say goodbye on the phone.

When we were sitting in Qdoba and you grabbed my hands, stared at me, smiled, and chuckled, insisting I was cute.

We were looking at the Waukesha skyline, and as we turned to get back to your car and escape the December cold, you tripped over the last standing Christmas tree that overlooked the city and I laughed hysterically.

When we raced across the Target parking lot and you beat me by a landslide, but you almost knocked a family over as you hardly stopped yourself from running into them.

The first time we ever skyped, my heart stopped as you looked at your whiteboard, doing homework. I still stop myself from saying it, every time you do.

When I was sitting in the passenger seat of your car in the Target parking lot, and you leaned over and kissed me. No warning. Just the kiss. You pulled back and smiled, forehead to forehead. Neither of us said one word.

When you spoke to me in nothing but Dance Gavin Dance lyrics for practically a whole day.

When you told me that this wasn't the relationship you thought it would be. I bit my tongue and held back tears.
I let you vent.
I let you disconnect.

I've felt the words, pierce through my veins
From I love yous to goodbyes
You are the reason there is art in me
The kisses you lay on my skin
And the way you paint me with your hands in the dark
Navigating from my eyes to my cheeks
And tracing my lips with your fingers
And you stop at my neck,
To feel my pulse and maybe if I'm still breathing right
Because by now I'm not
And you kiss my cheek to say something funny in my ear
To make me smile

I've felt the sting of words when you said I'm good enough
But left me for her

But you know and I know, she's much better

I've felt the sting of words and I love you,I love you, I love you
From the way you looked the other way around when i said it

And I've felt the sting of goodbyes
When you didn't look back

And I feel the sting in every unexpected hello
When we meet in a coffee shop
And i dread to look at the person behind me
every text, once in a while
When I fear to fall back in you arms
You're the vicious cycle I can't escape
My sleepless nights and shaky hands
Tearful eyes and mascara cheeks
I'll say that once again and for the last time
I love you
I miss you
But you're no good for me

He understood me.
Just like that.

All my life I never expect anyone
to understand me even a single bit
Not once.
Not ever.
Not a single soul ever did.

And I was fine with it.
I did not mind.
I was used to being misunderstood.
Every day, every week, every time.
No one ever understands, and that was expected.

But he came when I least anticipated it
And he understood me.

I don't know how he did it,
But he did.

You came to my life
And taught me a lot of things.
You inspired me
Beyond what could have been.

You were the storm
That changed my calm skyline.
You were the sun
That lit up my dark world.
You were the fire
That burned my worries away.
You were the catalyst
That propelled me forward.

You gave me everything I needed
To grow, to prosper, to be better
Than I used to be.

You gave me so much meaning to my life
But I can't give anything to you in return.
And I'm so, so sorry
That there's nothing I can give
To be able to return what you've given me,
To be able to mark your heart,
To make you remember me,
Like how I will always remember you, 'till my hair turns grey.

i see you in broken dreams
fragments of you scattered throughout my unorganized thoughts
visions of your head laying against my stomach
your eyes pouring into mine
ripped holes in our clothes
a cigarette hanging on the edge of your plump lips

i hated the smoke that lingered around the apartment
but i loved you too much to leave
there was something about the smell
that was so perfectly you

there was something about your deep cocoa eyes
when they looked into mine
on our late nights between the sheets
that begged me to stay

i loved you
i promise

everytime i walk through city streets
cold biting at the edge of my ears,
the smell of cigarette lingers in the air
and i think of your eyelashes, fluttering