"this doesn't make sense?"
"you like girls?"
"you're just saying this for attention"
I'm sorry I told you
I didn't mean to hurt you
I didn't think you would react like this
you have rounds after rounds at the bar even a year later
drinking away the pain so that maybe when
or if you come home I could be blurry enough to maybe look straight
I'm not saying that I don't like boys anymore Mom
I don't know this right now but
all I know is that when I'm holding her hand
or when I'm looking at her smile nothing else matters
it's like everything that has never made sense finally does when she's here
you try to send me to different counselors to maybe change my mind
you say "it's wrong"
but really nothing has ever felt so right
people talk about "coming out of the closet"
why the **** is there even a closet?
why do I have to "come out"?
why don't straight people "come out"?
why is it so difficult to open up and be who we are?
Mom it's parents like you that make kids stay in the closet
parents are supposed to support their child the most
but I found out they could hurt us the most as well
the counseling will never work
and if you have to drink to deal with the pain
that's fine but I'm not going to sit with you at A.A.

it's late at night
I can't stop thinking
thinking about who I should be
or what I should be
or what I need to do in the
future
the future absolutely terrifies me
I'm 17 sitting in school in September asking to go to the bathroom
and in December I'm supposed to make decisions on what I want to be
or who I want to be
or where I even want to go in this big world when I'm older
how can I make these big life decisions
when I still can't figure out what I want for breakfast

if I could
I would bring you back here
you would be able to watch me grow up
do the unimportant things and then the important ones
I would still be able to call you
and you would be able to make me smile
and I would actually mean the smile
my eyes would brighten up as my face would glow
I would be happy
I haven't actually been able to be happy but I am trying
for you
I love God but I don't understand why he would take you from me
you're right maybe I deserved to lose you
as I would spit nasty words about you
"I hate my Dad" "He doesn't care" "I don't want to talk to him"
Every time I think about it
it makes me hate myself even more
maybe God was trying to teach me a lesson
don't take granted of someone/something
cause' they can be gone in a second
I think about how different things would be if you were alive
I wish that you were still here Dad
Everyday,
just one more time so I can tell you everything
that I didn't get the chance too

"love"
love is heaven or hell
love one day will make you feel like you're worth a million bucks
but
love the next day will be the reason you're hitting the bathroom floor, crying and wishing that you never met love in the first place
love can lift you up higher and happier than ever before
but then love will drop you and laugh when you start to bleed
love will tell you that he/she is in love with you
and you will fall for it
when love wraps their hands around your waist and kisses your head
but don't forget
when love tells you that they're in love with you
that doesn't mean that love won't leave

Someday, I'm going to look at you at not feel anything anymore.
I'm not going to want to look into your eyes
and see how big and bright they shine in the light.
I'm not going to want to remember
the way my head would fit into your shoulder
like that space was made just for me.
I'm not going to scroll through our texts or pictures
and smile or laugh about the memories.
I especially won't cry over you anymore
because I'll know that you were never worth it.
I'll realize that nothing lasts forever
and even though I tried so hard to make you stay
I knew there was a reason I had to let you go.
I'll be okay with it someday
and that someday is today.

Dear curvy girl,
I see you looking at your thighs with burning hatred. I see you look at the skinny girls like they're gods but nothing tastes more like heaven than slices of cake I swear
Dear old best friends,
I miss you so much and even though we aren't talking I just want to say thank you for everything. Thank you for the memories and laughs, it ***** with out you all but just know that you're always going to be important to me.
Dear ******* who broke my heart,
I hope you get your heart ripped out of your chest so hard, you can barely breathe and I hope I ******* cross your mind so you know how much it hurt me.
Dear Dad,
there's so much I could say to you. I hope I'm making you proud and most of the time I wonder what life would be like if you were still here. I miss you so much and love you even more
Dear boy that I'll love in the future,
hug me and kiss me all over, tickle me even when I tell you to stop, make me laugh so hard I cry. Most importantly treat me like a ******* princess, tell me constantly how beautiful I am even when I try to tell you different.
Dear Mom,
I can't live without you and I hope to be as strong and caring as you are. You always have got me what I needed even when money was tight and when I get rich and famous. Money won't be an issue.
Dear me,
learn how to love yourself and try not to think so bad about yourself. You have such a beautiful smile that lights up every room you walk into but you can never see it. Laugh as much as you can and live each moment like it's your last.

I told myself I wouldn't fall for you again
because ******* for leaving me the first time.
I bet you didn't know but when you left you took apart of me with you.
seeing you with her killed me inside,
you didn't know because we haven't talked since last year
but ******* when she was lying to you, cheating on you
I just thought back to when we were together and
how ******* stupid you were for not being with me
and how I could've gave you the whole world and all of me.
Saturday when we were laying down together
I kept telling myself in my head
"don't ******* fall for this *******, it's only a one night thing,
remember how easy he left you the first time."
but when you put your hand around my waist and fell asleep,
I couldn't help but stare at you and think maybe this time is different
maybe this time it'll work out
but when the next day came,
you didn't even say a word.
this was a one night thing to you
but to me it felt like it could've be so much more

1 for the one word, Dad, that breaks my heart
2..
3...three words that I last said to you "I love you" but I didn't know that would be the last time
4..
5..
6...
7... the age when I learned that 2 people don't always stay together. When I heard the fighting and when mom and I moved in a apartment..but without you and I didn't know what to do.
8...
9...
10...
11..When I swore that I hated you because I thought you were never there, when actually I just would try to shut you out
12..
13...my age when I lost you
13...when I learned what it was like to have something change your life and have a gapping hole so big that I swear people could see through it
13.. I learned how to fake smile and tell people "I'm okay" when I'm tearing myself apart on the inside
14.. I'm scared, everything's changing without you and I can't call you and hear your voice anymore when I'm having a bad day
15...
16... the number of boxes that were sitting on the porch at Mom's house full of stuff that was in my room at our house and I don't know what to do with it so I'll just leave it in a box and try to think that it's still at home with you
17... I don't understand why I lost you and I break down at nights because I try to understand but I just can't
18..
19...
20... the number of times that I try to write something to you but I stop myself because I have so many words to say to you that I couldn't possible write it down
21... I'm starting to forget all of the little things about you that I want to tell my children
22...I wish that you were still here to tell me that everything will be okay
23...I want to tell you how much you mean to me and how awful and hard it is without you...
24..the date that breaks my heart and brings me back the worst flashbacks
24.. all I think of is how I should've stayed with you, I should've been holding your hand when you were going up to heaven
24.. When people were getting tucked in to bed waiting for Santa come the next morning, I was waiting to wake up from this nightmare
24... tell me this is all a sick joke, I tried calling you, I just want to hear your voice one more time please pick up
24...I can't grow up without my Dad not being here with me please
24..I don't know what I'm going to be with out you

you never made it see the 25th

I'm torn
torn between
trying to forget you
and
trying to remember everything about us.
I want to make you so happy
but I want to make you hurt as bad as I do
when I see you with her.
It brings me back to the days when you said forever,
who knew forever measured to be 6 months.
There's a quote
"If you love something set it free,
If it comes back to you, it's meant to be
If not, it never was."
and god do I hope you come back
because I miss you so much

I don't really know if how I'm feeling can be put into words
I thought you were different
I thought you were going to be the one that would stay with me.
I  push people away,
and I told you that.
I thought that you would just pull me in closer and not let go.
I was wrong.
You had me wrapped around your finger
so tight I could barely breathe.
Out of everyone
I would always look for you
and you knew that,
you acted like I was important to you
when really,
I was just another girl that you could get with.
Now, I'm sitting here crying,
about how stupid I was for thinking,
that you would be someone who actually cared about me.

Dear Dad,
I know that you're somewhere else,
hopefully somewhere beautiful,
somewhere where you aren't in pain anymore.
It all just happened so fast,
Christmas Eve I was out to dinner with you
later that night you were gone.
Trust me,
that was the worst present I've ever gotten.
It hit me
that it'll be 17 months without you in 10 days
and I still pick up my phone and try to call you
but then I remember you aren't there anymore
and I can't.
That's what kills me the most,
because the people that have their Dads to talk too
treat them like ****
because they don't know how it feels
when they can't talk to him at all anymore.
If I could go back in time
I wouldn't have treated you the way I did,
because I can't help but hate myself for not
hugging you back more and kissing you more
and telling you how much I actually care.
Ever since I lost you Dad
it's been really hard trying to let people in
I don't want too lose someone that means so much to me
it killed me inside
especially losing you because
now who's going to walk me down the isle?
or kiss my baby girl's head
and hold her like you once held me.
It's night like tonight
when I cry myself to sleep and ask myself
a million questions about why you had to leave me,
when I needed you the most
and how I'm going to have to get over the fact
that you aren't going to be there to watch me grow up anymore.
I know that you're my guardian angel and
that you look down over me
I just wish that I would've said I love you more
and got to say my actual final goodbye

I want to be someone who makes you feel different
someone that makes you happy
so happy
that you can't even remember what it feels like to be upset

I want you to be able to see my smile
when youre having a bad day
and have it completely turn around

I want you to laugh at all my bad jokes,
and hold me when I'm crying and tell me
that everything will be okay and that I'm beautiful

I want forehead kisses and cheek kisses from you
and I want to be your everything
like you've never been with anyone else more special

I want you to love me even though
I get nervous ordering anything
and will make you do it for me

I want you to pull me in closer and tighter
when I try pushing you away with everything that I have

I want you to look at me like
Miley looked at Liam
like no one else compares

but basically
I just want you to fall hopelessly in love with me
because I don't want to be just another girl to you

I don't know how to tell you,
I don't want to disappoint you
I'm depressed Mom
I wish I could say it to your face
Instead of writing it down
I want to be able to tell you
Because
I'm sick of these voices
Inside of my head
Telling me how fat I look
Or how I'm annoying everyone I talk too
But I try to be happy for you
I smile but do you look me in the eyes?
Can't you tell that there's a war going on in my mind?
I know you see my scars
But you don't say anything
why?
I'm slowly killing myself
And I try showing you signs
So when I'm gone
Don't hate me because I didn't tell you
I just loved you too much
To say it out loud

I should hate you
I should want to burn every single picture of us
into flames and laugh about it
I should be able to listen to a love song
and not think of you
but I can't

I should be able to be with another boy
and kiss him and hold his hand
and not think of you anymore
and how we used to hold hands
without either of us realizing it
and it just happening

but the truth is
I can't hate you
because no matter what I do or where I go
or what I listen to
you're the one that has my heart
and even though you broke it
I still love you with all the pieces

I saw you
My heart skipped a beat
I got this warm feeling inside
I love you
Your lips on mine
I swear I've never been happier
I could kiss you for days I thought
I love you
I missed you I told you
Your lips hit my cheek
And I swear
There was fireworks going off in my heart
I love you
I saw your smile after
Our lips touched
I missed your kisses you said
I keep replying that moment over again
I love you
I love everything about you
You're so perfect
I want to call you mine
I love you

I loved your blue eyes that reminded me of the ocean
I loved the way you made me laugh
like no one else could
I loved how no matter where I was
I could think that you were somewhere else missing me
I loved how I used to call your arms home
they made me feel safe
I loved how you had my heart
I loved the feeling of being in love and
feeling love back
now
I'm hating how your blue eyes remind me of the ocean
I don't dare to go there anymore
I don't want to remember you
I hate how you made me laugh because
now no one else can make me laugh as you once did
I hate the fact that I'm sitting here
missing you when you're missing her
I hate how you have my heart
no matter how hard I try to give it to someone else
it always reminds me that it's yours
but most of all
I hate how I still love you
and how you don't even remember
half of the things that I won't forget

when people ask me if we like eachother
I reply back and say
"no we're just friends"
but I tend to think different because the other night:
when you were drunk,
you told me how you thought my laugh was perfect
and that whenever I do
it makes you smile
and how my smile lights up any room I walk into
when you were drunk,
you told me how you loved my eyes
and how they change from brown to green
you got mad at your friend who tried talking to me
and kept saying to him
"No she's mine"
People say that the truth comes out when you're drunk
I just wish you could say these things sober.
Whenever I bring up another boy,
you pretend like you don't care
but I can tell by the way your tone changes
and how you look at me like I've said the worst possible thing I could.
I don't think you realize
that if you said you wanted to be with me
I would drop anyone for you
but then I remember
"we're just friends"

should I take pills or cut?
should I leave a note or just leave?
I can't do this anymore
I have a bottle of pills in one hand
a razor in the other
I'm shaking, crying
screaming so loud but no one can hear

Dad,Daddy,Father
those words don't break my heart;
they destory it,
crushing it into a million peices
456 days ago,
I would've smiled at those words thinking of great memories;
now, I think of death
where is my Dad now?
is my Daddy somewhere beautiful?
is my Father laughing with other angels?
why isn't he with me?
why isn't he laughing with me?
I ask people these questions
they reply with "It was his time, it will get better."
they lied
it doesn't get better, you just learn to live with it
It's been 457 days or 658,876 minutes
and I still find myself counting back to when I was with him
Dad,Daddy,Father
your little girl is down here wishing she was with you
hoping that wherever you are in heaven,
you're wishing you were with her too.