"this doesn't make sense?"
"you like girls?"
"you're just saying this for attention"
I'm sorry I told you
I didn't mean to hurt you
I didn't think you would react like this
you have rounds after rounds at the bar even a year later
drinking away the pain so that maybe when
or if you come home I could be blurry enough to maybe look straight
I'm not saying that I don't like boys anymore Mom
I don't know this right now but
all I know is that when I'm holding her hand
or when I'm looking at her smile nothing else matters
it's like everything that has never made sense finally does when she's here
you try to send me to different counselors to maybe change my mind
you say "it's wrong"
but really nothing has ever felt so right
people talk about "coming out of the closet"
why the **** is there even a closet?
why do I have to "come out"?
why don't straight people "come out"?
why is it so difficult to open up and be who we are?
Mom it's parents like you that make kids stay in the closet
parents are supposed to support their child the most
but I found out they could hurt us the most as well
the counseling will never work
and if you have to drink to deal with the pain
that's fine but I'm not going to sit with you at A.A.

it's late at night
I can't stop thinking
thinking about who I should be
or what I should be
or what I need to do in the
future
the future absolutely terrifies me
I'm 17 sitting in school in September asking to go to the bathroom
and in December I'm supposed to make decisions on what I want to be
or who I want to be
or where I even want to go in this big world when I'm older
how can I make these big life decisions
when I still can't figure out what I want for breakfast

if I could
I would bring you back here
you would be able to watch me grow up
do the unimportant things and then the important ones
I would still be able to call you
and you would be able to make me smile
and I would actually mean the smile
my eyes would brighten up as my face would glow
I would be happy
I haven't actually been able to be happy but I am trying
for you
I love God but I don't understand why he would take you from me
you're right maybe I deserved to lose you
as I would spit nasty words about you
"I hate my Dad" "He doesn't care" "I don't want to talk to him"
Every time I think about it
it makes me hate myself even more
maybe God was trying to teach me a lesson
don't take granted of someone/something
cause' they can be gone in a second
I think about how different things would be if you were alive
I wish that you were still here Dad
Everyday,
just one more time so I can tell you everything
that I didn't get the chance too

"love"
love is heaven or hell
love one day will make you feel like you're worth a million bucks
but
love the next day will be the reason you're hitting the bathroom floor, crying and wishing that you never met love in the first place
love can lift you up higher and happier than ever before
but then love will drop you and laugh when you start to bleed
love will tell you that he/she is in love with you
and you will fall for it
when love wraps their hands around your waist and kisses your head
but don't forget
when love tells you that they're in love with you
that doesn't mean that love won't leave