you are leaving me
and i don't even know why.
i'm sitting on the ground, i can't
see out of my eyes
long enough to grab my keys
i am down on my knees
asking you not to leave
you are leaving me
alone at the altar
locked outside of heaven's gates
you are smoking by the window
you are leaving me
when you were my last escape.
leaving me alone with the mess
that i may or may not have made
you are leaving and my heart
is ramming itself against a
chain link fence over
and over and over again
trying to burst out
and over you
because you are leaving me
and you are leaving without saying why
i am sitting on the ground and
i can't see out of my eyes
i loved you i love you
that was my only lie

i don’t want to hear about your former heart
don’t want to memorize the lines of the faces that betrayed you
strip down from your past
down to your brittle bones
claw your resentful hands into my bare flesh
and show me why you’ve learned to flinch at love
i don’t want to hear about your boyfriends
girlfriends
don’t wanna know where it went awry
i want to be the curse that runs you dry
sink my teeth into your apathy,
fill the empty crevices in your bed with yet another allegory
eviscerate the plot for another horrorific love story
make your memories shiver
as we fill each other - we quiver
cause i don’t want to hear about
know about -
the skin or soul before me
it’ll be irrelevant
when we make the ground split with our calls
and the earth will stand still as you exhale that godly breath
don’t wanna hear about your former heart

now a days i take my coffee black like my father did
sometimes i add sugar,
small traces of me still pretending we are not one in the same
now a days i paint my nails black like my mother taught me
she urged me not to be afraid of the brush
"be brave in the way life calls for"
now a days i count every line on my palm like my aunt would do
told me every one was a little sin,
and that when i arrived at the gates of heaven
i would raise my hands to god and he would merely watch
now a days i wear my hair back like i did when i was a kid
i am still setting fire to ant piles
and painting my knees brown and blue with pallets from the earth

so you only want me when i sleep,
in my dreams
we are holding hands
and we are sewn together
like the most complex seam-
we are connected like
eve to adam's ribs.

in my dreams
we are sitting on my back porch,
smoking till our lungs turn black
drinking till the sun comes up
until you forget your way back home
so you decide to stay over
and you sleep in my bed
then you do that thing with your fingers
or that thing with your mouth,
you ask me to *** first
and we are a symphony
of moans and shouts.

in my dreams
i know your fears
wishes and dreams
like i know every word
to my favorite pop song
and you know how to judge
me by the the language of my looks.

in my dreams
when we come together
we are never apart
your name is attached to mine
like toilet paper to a shoe...
okay, maybe something a little
less clumsy
doesn't matter
because i'm still connected to you.

in my dreams
when me and your parents meet
we get along without missing a beat
and your mother pulls out,
dusts off
the photo albums and automatically
sets off your sighs
your fathers laughter reverberates through the house
and your dog won't stop licking at my shoes.

in my dreams
every kiss feels like the first
and every time our noses bump
we laugh and the wrinkles
beneath your eyes are
wide and out in the open.
i can trace them with my finger tips
without being afraid of what you
will say
without fear of you pulling away.

yes, we are in love my dreams
we are one in my dreams
we are meant to be in my dreams.

when i wake up
it is just me.

he probably did not die. he probably did not lose his phone and he probably did not have a legitimate reason to do it. so do yourself a favor and stop constructing his excuse when he's probably just busy trying to avoid you.

2. you are not worth less than you were before. your kiss is still as fierce, your touch is just as kind as it once was. don't let him take more than he deserves. do not let him change how you feel about your worth.

3. i wish i could tell you that this is all leading up to you finding the love of your life, but i don't want to lie. your person may be hiding in the details, and sometimes they will not want to come out.  

4. however, what is coming is bound to be better than what never showed up.

5. he probably did not die. his phone probably still works.

6. do not text him when you are sober. do not text him when you are drunk and ask why. closure is something that we make up in our minds to remind us that we are still desirable, to remind us that we are still good.

7. so this is your reminder. you are still desirable and you are still good. he stood you up, so what? don't kid yourself into thinking that this is something that can ruin you.

8. forget his kiss and stop trying to memorize the times and moments where he was probably just lying. erase his texts, erase his number. if he ever does show up- at least you know he was looking for you.

i will spend the rest of my life
burning
burned
for your touch
from your touch.

there is nothing
binding our hearts
binding our souls.

i've never been one to
give a little
get a lot.

you do not move the mountains
did not part the earth
or sea.

you leave me unravelled
you left me out of place.

i'll apologize for not being
more
delicately suited to
your needs.

do you want to see me burn?
kiss me then
leave me
burning
burned.

when you touched me, i shattered instantly, as if there was something deep inside me that could only be released by you.

2. i can't stop thinking about how your fingers melted straight into my flesh. soul searching for a host.

3. i think i knew i loved you when the sunlight broke in through the window and illuminated every freckle, wrinkle and crease. i thought - people **** to experience sights like these.