breathe me in
swallow me like water you’ll never taste again,
like sap from a honeysuckle
keep me there, inside you
break me
contort your body so my bones shatter
and throw yourself to the ground so i cough up blood
make it hurt
but just remember the broken shards I leave behind will **** you
they will cut your insides and shorten your breath
and once this happens
when you’re doubled over in the bathroom
puking up the pills they gave you to make it go away,
i hope you regret it
i hope you wish you’d never breathed me in,
had never swallowed me
never let me trick you into thinking
i was actually something beautiful,
that i could actually save you again
you broke me once
and i wasn’t finished healing when you picked me back up again
i didn’t care if it would hurt
i wanted you to feel my pain
to feel all the pain,
and then nothing
to feel the pain and the agony and the hot tears streaming down your face like raindrops
to feel the aching in your chest that made it hard to breathe
and hear the monster in your head that made it hard to sleep
i wanted you to feel it all,
wishing it would go away
and then i wanted you to feel nothing
just as i had
i wanted you to feel the numbness spreading across your body like fog making a home in your bones
i wanted you to contemplate your existence
and wonder if any of it was real,
and wonder
why couldn’t you ******* feel anymore?
i wanted you to long for the pain again
i wanted you to hurt like i did
but most of all
i wanted you to regret it

i kiss him like i can still taste the love on his lips
i hold him like he still wants to hold me too
i’ve been convincing myself that his love never left,
but that Friday afternoon he walked out the door,
he took all of his love with him
he tore it from me like it was the ground my feet stood on
and i fell
i’m still falling
i fell for him that first night of summer when i felt alive for the first time in months, when i first felt something
he brought me back to life with his warmth,
but now i’m dying again
i am so empty
i feel like an abandoned church, his love being the light that once illuminated my stained glass walls
the sun doesn’t shine here anymore and now i’m dull,
useless
these walls are breaking just like i am but no one is here to see
no one is here to see how i’m slowly deteriorating,
how i’m still desperately clutching to the pieces he left behind that are still big enough to hold
there’s no happiness here anymore
all that’s here is forgotten faith and broken promises of redemption
i pretend like it feels the same with him back again but nothing does everything is so wrong

your eyes absorb the words my mouth emits like they absorb the light from the stars in my night sky
ice resides in the hollows of your bones and once i pull your loose threads,
you scream all the things you never spoke
you screamed for hours
you still do
but your scream is quiet now
quiet,
yet still audible
i hear it while i'm sitting in this stupid psych's office,
wondering if the flickering lamp to my left is mocking my emotions that never change
there's no on,
no off

but it's the silence
don't you get it?
you were silent
you spoke all your words the night you stood at the edge of that ******* cliff and let the breeze carry you away with those words
im sitting in this office because your silence won't leave my ******* head
it's so still inside, there's a void
i'm vacant
the Prozac diffuses into an empty bloodstream
now the hollows of my bones are on fire
my night sky is filled with your unabsorbed light

i haven't written in this forever
but i'm losing it
this sadness lives inside me like a disease
and it won't go away
and it hurts
and i'm not okay
i need to relax but i cant when it feels like i'm killing myself from the inside
he is the remedy and i grabbed the bottle with hands shaking like a ******* earthquake
and smashed it right in front of my eyes

reality has placed a noose around my neck and i am never winning this game
i can't run away because i'm pulled back
i can't stay here because this pressure is making it
harder and harder to breathe
and these bruises on my neck look a lot like the shadow of your hands
how on earth did i end up like this?
my lungs are dry and cracking because i've been screaming your name in my sleep for weeks
and the blood in my veins is contaminated without your lips pulling it to the surface of my skin anymore
i can't think about the night sky because i compared every aspect of your being to the universe
and now that you've left
my galaxies are empty shells of something that used to be
i don't feel like a work of art anymore
i don't feel like anything anymore
you don't watch me anymore
everyone else that lays their eyes on me makes my skin feel like it's burning
and i'm scratching at my charred flesh to find an explanation as to why you thought it was okay to leave me like this
i thought you were the light at the end of the tunnel
but i mistook you for the train's headlights

-m.v.

she walks through the streets like a cold winter breeze
whoever she touches seems to get stuck on her embrace
and the slight curve at the edge of her lips when she speaks
and oh god does she speak like ice
sometimes her words are like snowflakes
other times her words feel like falling icicles
no matter how light or dense her words are
he still seems to cherish each one
there no doubt that she's an avalanche waiting to fall
but heaven knows he's waiting at the bottom of the mountain of her with open arms
her breath chills him to the bone
if you seem him walking about
you might even see the faint hint of frostbite on his palms from where they hold hands
even in the summer his cheeks are always flushed a rosey red
like he just walked three miles through a downpour of hail
she's a natural disaster in the shape of a girl and he could never be more in love with her pale skin
or the storms dancing in her eyes
her body is petite and he never wants to hold her too tight because he's afraid he might break her
like she's thin ice covering a pond and if he steps on the surface too hard
she'll shatter and he'll be stuck underneath
drowning
that's all he seems to do lately anyways
her love fills his lungs like the pacific ocean
and just the thought of her takes his breath away
he is the clouds and she is always the rain

-m.v.

my skin feels like a sunset after you touch it
composed of only the color of your lips
3am phone calls and the pattern of your fingerprints
my body pressed against yours feels like an eclipse
the light flooding from behind darkness
until it's gone completely and i'm blinded
i feel like i've been given water for the first time in years after we kiss
and my hair feels like sunlight when you tangle your hands in it
im completely infatuated with your heavy breathing when we're together
but also your tiny breaths while you're asleep
i could collapse full force into your body
and not even care how many bones i broke because i'd feel at home
even when you're not around i feel your presence in my mind
and i find comfort in the eat we make brief yet playful eye contact before we go our separate ways to class
i love to squeeze your sides and see you smile at me
but i also love to kiss your neck and feel you pulling my body closer to yours
you love so effortlessly and i couldn't be more content with what we have

-m.v.