I am who I am,
                  I am!

                 ...am I?
        ...Who am I?

I wish I could hate you
I honestly do
Then maybe I'd eat something
Or perhaps I'd feel something
I love you though
I wish I could stop
I wish I didn't stress myself out
Trying to be everything you want
I wish that I wasn't depressed
Maybe I would've been
I wish I could **** myself.
I wish I didn't have to remember your embrace.
I wish I could still have it.
It was never mine.
It's not like I was important enough to be given that.
I'm gonna start drinking again
I don't care
Let me waste away.
I don't want to hate you but I wish I could to help me mend

i spent a week
in the behavioral center
psych ward
mental hospital

they said three to five days
they said they wanted to monitor
i spent a week

simplistic routine
group and rec therapy
all so they could see
why
i was feeling the things i felt

asking questions
getting personal
i spent a week

new medication
new friends
new experiences
new diagnosis

all from the psych ward

i notice it everywhere now
why i do the things i do

bipolar
a simple word that explains
EVERYTHING

it all makes sense
the decisions i make
that i wouldn’t normally make

it all makes sense
the racing thoughts
twenty four seven three sixty five

it all makes sense
the excessive shopping
with money i don’t have

it all makes sense
my mouth and my brain
racing
but not on the same track

it all makes sense

i spent a week
in the psych ward



-k.l.

It wasn't even good anymore
It was just a
HABIT
To fill the empty
VOID.

A glue that I mistakingly
thought would
hold all of my
BROKEN
pieces together.

This pain inside of me is
DEEP
and
UNRELENTING
Burning with endless
REGRET.

This is what I feel
24
hours
a
day.

Everything is an
ACT.
Every positive thought
I must
PUSH
through my brain
as if
lifting
a
HOUSE.

This has been my struggle
All day long,
EVERYDAY
for
21 years.

Fighting and slaying and eventually saying
"I give!  I give!"
to my
RELENTLESS
Dragons.

By nightfall I am
EXHAUSTED.
Dreading the continuous
BATTLE
of tomorrow, the next day, the next, the next....

It's an endless merry-go-round of
GROUNDHOG DAY.
The same battle
The same
DEFEAT
most everyday.

How to escape?

The therapist told me (21 years ago)
She saw women's lives
RUINED
and
LOST
and turned
UPSIDE DOWN
and
INSIDE OUT
over the endless years they've been
SURVIVING
this
DISORDER.

And I thought mine was just a phase.....

It settles in my skin
refusing to leave
Not wanting to hurt
but it hurts so deep
its sharply edged wooden point placed inside of me
I'm suddenly apprehensive,
Not wanting to scream

....I want to scream....


scream so loud but I'm silenced
By my agony
My lips are tied and zipped
I try to untie and unzip
Its agenda to destroy me is so formidable,
that it only neglects me with no other sensation
But serenity.

                                    © S Y A

In literature I go
Still I search for you
Firm grasp of the pen
Still I search for you
To the canvas & brush
Still I search for you
Until my passion is met
I will always search for you