Sat trying to process
This new world
Without my Nan

It looks the same
But it feels different
As if there is cotton in my ears

To my gran who I have just seen
Who is old
and can't remember things
Who is kind
and asks me the same questions
Who lies in bed
and drinks tea
Who has bought up
four children
And has seven
grand children
And seven
great grandchildren
It was so lovely
to see you.

We had a good chat;
You asked me
where I was going next
about a hundred times
And I loved answering
every time.
Australia.
We drank tea
And looked at photos.
I bought you a soft toy
And you liked him
"A sweet little fellow"
You said
"It's a shame He doesn't squeak"
You said
Squeezing him.
And you put him on your lap
While I showed you photos
Of your great grandson
And we laughed
About things.

When I left
we caught eyes
I said "bless you"
And bowed to you.
You said "take care of yourself"
And I saw you
And you saw me
And that is where we met.
In the eyes
And in the soul.
That is what I came for
What I hoped for
That moment
When we met.
I took your hand
And said
"it's been lovely to see you"
And then I left
Wanting To say more
Wanting to say thank you for everything
Thank you for knitting me the duck
When I was a boy
Thank you for being a pillar
In my life
That even though
I havn't seen you much
You've been so important
To me.
Just knowing you were there
Family.
Has helped me
To be strong.
I wanted to stay
and say goodbye
Just in case...
But I didn't
I got you a blanket
Because you looked cold
And I left
Because Stuart was waiting
In the car park
And I had a train to catch.
And I was worried it might disorientated you
Because we had had a lovely time together.
And I wanted to leave you happy.

I looked back
Through the ward window
D8
And you looked
so alone

And now I'm on the train
To Liverpool street
And I miss you
I think of you
Lying there
And I want to sit by you
And show you more pictures
And get you tea
And make sure your warm
And look after you
Because your so frail
And vulnerable
And I feel sad
Because
Well...grief!
The tragedy of life,
That we must part
From everyone.
But I'm happy too
Because
My bones
feel full
And my heart
feels Warm
And I feel my right
To stand up on this earth.
With a warm heart
And wet cheeks

Waiting on. The train to see you
Bored, **** coffee and a bacon roll
There is something hollow. Empty.
Like the Starbucks take out mug.
Of course I loved you, love you.
But we lived so far away.
Sweden, Ireland, Switzerland
And then when we were close
I was at my uninterested awkward years
When you don't want to visit your Gran
Now I see this precious woman
Whom I have not often seen.
She is old, frail, and may not know me
I am a man with a life and business.
Where do we connect?
In the bones? In the skin or in the eyes?
I'll show you photos, I hope you will be interested.
What do you say to an old woman
Who you barely know,
but has played a key role in your existence?
Who you feel a connection to like the  seabed between two islands.
But you know precious little about.
Eileen, yes that is your name.
You used to like Black Magic chocolates,
But apparently you don't these days.
Your hip is broken
But hopefully getting better.
And you knitted me a duck when I was small.
I was the youngest, thats why. People said.
You were my Nannie, my precious Gran
And I have come to give you some love and pay some respect.

I have traveled so far
And for so long
That none could conceive it possible.

My Journey of aeons and lifetimes
Has taken me through
Crystal palaces of exquisite splendor
Where I played with courtesans
The likes of which this world
Has never seen.

I have led armies into battle
Been slain and conquered a million times.

I have ridden ******* on mythical beasts
Exploring worlds of unimaginable beauty.
I've bathed in enchanted pools under cooling moonlight
And lived with the nymphs who dwell in those places.

I have dived to the depths of oceans
And fought with the mighty beasts
Who dwell in the deep.

I have explored the four corners of space,
Spent lifetimes in silent ecstasy
Breathing in and out with the stars.

I have fallen through the earth
And been held captive in the most cruel of places.
I have been cut and tormented,
Had my life ripped away
And been revived in places of daggers and pain.

I have been swept along in rivers of molten flame,
Burned until I could no longer recognize
Even my own body.
Fought, fought and fought,
Killed and been killed
Spending aeons in fear, rage and fury.

I have taken animal form,
Run with the wolves
And howled at the moon in the depths of night.

I have been killed a million, million times,
Loved and lost through bitter heart ache
As my love left me for another life
More times than I care to recall.

I have had Sons, Daughters,
Wives, Husbands, Harems.

I have lived through the greed of owning one million palaces
The hatred of murdering one million men
The love of devoting myself entirely to a precious few.

The self obsession of the inglorious "I".

Misery, torment, abandonment,
Fear, loneliness, isolation, grief... joy.
I have lived through them all
I have lived in them all!

There is not one place in this entire universe I have not visited,
Or one thing I have not owned...
And yet,
I stand here before you
Empty handed and alone.
An old man at the end of his travels,
Weary of adventure
And seeking peace...

A place to call home.

The road is not less traveled!
We play this mighty game of life and death
Never stopping to question
Or pause to think...

The question is not "When will it stop?".
The question is "When will we stop?".
When will we search for home?
Listen to that quiet, quiet voice
Which tells us to be still.
To awaken.
To see that,
From the highest palace,
To the deepest hell.
It has all been  - but a dream

We have been dreaming.

*Wake up my friends
and find peace.

I've spent centuries
in this agony
My body changes
but time stays still

All this time I've passed
waiting to be found
like a bird inside a cage,
my feet chained to this ground

I can't keep my monsters at bay
but I can't run away

In the eye of each soul
all I see is fear
and my own still whispers
"I'm not from here"

By now I thought
I'd have more power
But at the end of each day
"it" still devours

Even though there's love in my heart
I still feel like falling apart

Each fight feels like
dark mirrors inside a maze
and all I see in this reflection
is my own empty gaze

My mind is light years
away from this place
Still the only thing that saves me
is your warm embrace

And when it feels like I have no choice
I recognize your voice

I'm so tired of this fight
But your love still keeps me warm
Together, we'll win this battle
Together, we'll breathe through the storm.