my heart is honestly breaking
the person who means the most to me
is too caught up in themselves to care for me anymore
they're gone when i want to be gone without them
i hope they get through this
i hope they're not learning to hate me
i hope i'm not overthinking.
this is wrong
so very very wrong.

she was there like a rock
always there, always watching
getting walked over
some people seemed interested in her
they’d look and admire
but ultimately kept walking over her
the one person stopped everyday to look at her
they’d walk around her
one day they walked over without stopping to admire her as usual
the next day they stopped to try and find her
she was no longer there
she was never a rock
she was a passing wind

things have not been okay in these past few months
to the point...i don't wear a seatbelt
a lonely body flowing through a crowded world
i thought i'd found my purpose
the hurt never went away and i'm stuck here in this game of tug-a-rope but I'M THE ROPE
and both sides are against me
i didn't care if i lived or died i was living in a gray area
a small light appears
it makes my chest explode
it makes my eyes water
i see my body and i remember i am real
i am terrified the light is a flame that will
catch me on fire and i will go up in a blaze
never to return
but i don't care because for once i am real
for once i care
I STARTED WEARING A SEATBELT FOR GOD'S SAKE SO HOW THE **** CAN THIS BE WRONG
all i see are blurs of made up colours
every sound is the screeching of metal against metal
there are screams
glass shatters
my mind is a car crash

I don’t want to die because I’m sad
because I wouldn’t say that i’m sad.
I’d say I’m depressed.
Being depressed is so much more than sadness.
Being depressed means not wanting to get out of bed
not wanting to be around people
being scared all the time
worrying when there’s nothing to worry about,
and above all, being tired.
Everything that happens make you tired.
Getting up and getting dressed takes half your energy and making it to work on time?
Forget it.
you've lost yourself

i am lost.
i am no longer here
just an empty vessel
the comforter covering my body is the only thing keeping me from floating away.
i don't want to be here anymore.
mental pain turns physical when you have no more pain killers
nothing makes me happy other than this music.
she isn't the one i know.
i've betrayed him.
i can't do this anymore.
fin.

"i'm fine" is an honest man's lie.
you're honest because you want to believe that you truly are fine
you're lying because you're not fine
even if you want to be
you scream out for help
no one can hear you because you're not the loudest voice
you're not the saddest one
since when is it normal to compare saddness
as if you're comparing thickness of books
"i'm fine" is an honest man's lie.
if you were to say anything other than that
you're looking for attention, you're not really sad
and the people you do tell, that care enough
are also screaming louder than you
you start to whisper
you start to fade
no one would notice your empty seat in class
no one would have to stare at your empty bed
no one would try to see the figure of you sitting there
because they're too busy screaming until they pass out

orange yellow black gray
i want this pain to go away
just like this cigarette i flush down the drain