I have so many ******* regrets.

I am crushed under the weight of it. Crushed.

I learned how to feel nothing. a waking nightmare of nothingness. With a known tsunami of sadness just beyond the walls, keeping the feelings at bay.

But you smell the saltwater in the air.

I'd like to get drenched.

Wash me away.
Take me away.
Take it all away.
Leave me with nothing.
Leave nothing.

Which will be far more than the nothingness I feel.

It scorched the Earth beneath my feet,
Forever tainted and augmented how I experience my world,
the world around me.

Things look different. Taste odd. Sound funny.

You can never go back. Never undo.

What's done is done.

And now,
Well, now,
You must live in the aftermath.

There has only ever been the aftermath.
  
The before time was a story you'd tell yourself to sleep better
        at night.
Stories of being Loved, Seen, Cared for, Known.
All fairytales that you'd gorge yourself on,
Imagine living in.

Anything to take away the pain,
Anything to make the loneliness stop.

As you grew, you leaned on other things to take away the
        feelings: cutting, eating, distracting, dissociating.

Make it numb.
Make it tolerable.                    
Livable.
It hardened you.
Broke parts of you.
While the world around you continued to take.

You tried to stay afloat.

Sometimes, flirting with the idea of going under,
Wishing and praying to let the waves wash you away.
Never letting them.

Always trying.
                        
Trying to rebuild from the rubble at your feet.

Some time, along the way, forgetting,
                                                                ­   it wasn't your bomb.
                                                           ­                                       
                                     You didn't detonate.

It wasn't your dilapidated, abused house - you Just lived there.

It wasn't.
It isn't.
It wasn't your fault.
It never was.

I am a therapist

But

I wanted to be an artist


Clay under my fingernails, in my curls, drying on my skin.
Filling up my moleskine
Occupying my thoughts, my dreams,
each moment of every day




Now.....

Now, I listen to people's pain, their sorrow, their hurt.

5 years of grad school, fancy acronyms at the end of my name, they can call me doctor...some do. some insist. perhaps it makes them feel like I am more than just an imperfect human like they are.

My clients come to me with their pain, I see them, I hear them, I try, I try so hard to soothe them, make them feel worthy, make them feel good enough. make them feel loved. deserving of love.

Some days, being a psychologist provides so much meaning to my life, other days...other days I cry and punish myself for not pursuing art.

Why didn't I do it?
Why was I so scared?
Why did I let the **** talking from my parents and the judgements of my family keep me from doing what I loved?

WHY.



Hey, you want to know how to make me cry instantaneously?
               Ask me about what I gave up to be where I am today.


        what I lost for the acronyms,
        what I lost for the title,
        what I lost for the salary,
        what I lost so my mom could tell people her daughter was a
                            "doctor" (not a real one even still)

Ask me what I lost.

Ask me how I lay awake at night, stare off into space, doing math in my mind, thinking, wondering, planning out how to grow my practice to make enough to rent a studio space, buy a kiln, and make art once again.

Ask me why I got a doctorate in psychology so all I could think about was how to make art again.


Ask me.
I dare you.


My own therapist just did and my make up smeared.
I think sobbed is the technical term.

Or perhaps, I just let all the feelings and sadness bleed out of me. every now and again they do

every now and again I let down my defenses, remove the distractions, and find the time to really think and reflect on what I lost.
what I gave up to allow myself to make money off of listening to people.
I allow myself to be used and profit from it.


JUST like my family uses me and takes up far too much space.

I provide care to others because it's my job, but it's also what I've always known how to do, what I was taught to do.

Taking care of others is ******* exhausting.
I love my job.
I hate my job.


Ya know what?

I never hated art.
I never did.
Art never took from me.
Clay never used me and spit me out or told me things like "I'm not getting anything from you" like my clients have told me.

clay Doesn't take.
clay only gave.
ceramics only ever gave.

WHY the **** did I not allow myself to take?
WHY did I create a life for myself where I am continuously giving and people are continuously taking?

I am so ******* empty and so ******* tired.

I just want to make art.

all i ever wanted was to make art.

So this is love.
Wanting to be near it.
Shaking to touch,
To feel it against my skin.
I am in love with clay.
For Ceramics is the wood that fuels my fire.
I need it in my life.

Perhaps that is a void
One of many voids that cannot be filled by people
Where for art thou clay.
I miss thee so.
My heart yearns,
Calls out.
Can you hear me?

Return to me
Mother earth
Return to me

You goddess of dirt, mud, and all things kind
Come back to me.
The break has been painful, causing me to shrivel within
Splinters forming at the core of my being.
Water rushing in and freezing, expanding the cracks.
Without clay there.
How can I possibly mend the tear?

I need the sustenance for my soul
I am called to it.
It beckons to me.
And I am drawn to it
A slave really
Never in my life have I found a medium
That satisfies me the way clay has.
Can and Does.

Don’t leave me here
Alone to fend for myself in this dark world.
Can’t you hear me calling out?
The ghost of memories past call out your name
Your presence
Your spirit
Mother earth
Where have you gone
I miss you so
Return
Return
And never leave again

How do I mend my relationship with my body?
How do I hate myself, less?

How could I?
How dare I?

The world doesn't.
It tells me all the reasons why I shouldn't.
                                                      ­                     I mustn't.

I must hate myself.

I must hate my body, that is what I deserve.
What my body deserves

Love is reserved for the thin.
                                the beautiful.

The beautiful.
I could never be beautiful.

It's a lie,
when they say it.
It's a lie.
when they say I am.

I am beautiful from the neck up.

but you'd never use that word,
                            designate it to my body.
                                                           ­  to the rest of me.

The rest of me should be tossed away.
                                              discarded.


Please sir, can I keep my head?
It's the only place I live, the only place I am allowed to be.

I am not allowed to be beautiful. not allowed to be thin.
that was not the hand I was dealt. not my lot in life.




I exist in the world with my shame exposed.

                                                       ­       On display.


Do you know how that feels?




No hiding.


No escaping.


No pretending.




I am fat.  
My body is fat.



and from first glance, you can see my unworthiness.

                                                  ­      My lack of deservedness

It's always there.

My body
My body gets looked at, talked about, shamed.

My body doesn't fit comfortably in an airline seat and my body keeps getting fatter.

My body offends and disgusts you.

My body absorbs the blows.
       the shocks
              it reverberates

the ripples

Take in more food.

EAT.

no one loves you.
no one ever could.

you're too FAT.
                   too hideous.

                   unlovable

So, I abuse my body.
                           I hurt it.
         give it more. move it less.
It grows, my own self-loathing grows.

Like water to a plant.
         Your gaze and comments like the sun    

My body continues to sprout.
upwards
outwards
all aroundwards

Making it harder to fit.
                  harder to move.
                  harder to Be.

I wish they loved my body, maybe I could have too.

Maybe I could have too.

My moods swing.
Sharp left,
sharp right,
spinning,
spiraling.

This time has me losing my footing,
sinking,
floating off,
untethered.

Breathe.

Remember,
you can swim.

This is hard.

Some days,
I
try
to survive.

Other days,
I
am
drowning.

Breathe.

It will be okay,
again.

You will be okay,
again.

We will be okay,
again.

Remember,
you are a survivor.

We are survivors.

To erase my mind of your memory
To alleviate the pain
To rid myself of your existence
What I'd give

I'd ****** you
But you'd still remain
Inside

To tell you exactly, specifically, precisely why I love you
I'd have to reinvent an alphabet, create a language, learn to sign
The feeling that bubbles within when I look into your eyes cannot be captured or explained

I feel like the world stops moving
My breath struggles leaving my lungs
All my fears, worries, washed away

What is so powerful about loving you
is the way you love me in return
I feel confident, unstoppable, beautiful
You tell all the dark parts inside to quiet
whispering, no shouting to them:
I am worthy of love

To be worthy is all that I have ever wanted,
needed,
cried for in the middle of the night

Although there is still so much to learn about each other
Adventures to be had, moments to share
I am giddy with anticipation
your love gives me strength
Replenishes me
Fulfills me

I have yet to really write down how I feel about you until now
I've been afraid words would take our magic away
I'd wake up one morning and realize is was a mere dream

You steal my chapstick with your kisses
Put up with my sassy abrasive nature
You encourage me to work
The way you look at me sometimes gives me the courage to begin to look at myself the same way

With your arms tightly around me, our legs intertwined, I begin to imagine what heaven could actually be like

When I'm with you, I say I love you honestly
Eeach time is unique.
I realize how incredibly lucky I am to have you
to be loved by you
every syllable is as sincere as the last

You make it okay
All the bad, dark, sorrow filled places within me that sometimes consume my light.
You accept those places,
You make me forget they even exist
You make my light shine brighter

We joke about my ego
but since you have been in my life, I feel okay
Even when I'm not, I know I will be.
Granted, it's not solely what you do for me but what you let me do for you
You allow me to love you
Accepting my love
welcoming it like you would a long lost friend
you do not turn and hide
you embrace me with arms open wide

It's magical
It's what I've waited for my whole life

What I spent so much energy convincing myself I could never have

It's everything that I'd ever want and more
It's love
It's life
It's you

Death.
I think about you often
My chest begins to tighten
Holding the thought still in my mind

No more

Nothing

All will cease
Trying  to swallow the ocean
Counting the grass
Unfathomable.
Like a computer screen that has shut Off.
For eternity.

My computer screen.
Not the one I use now
No
The far more superior one in my brain.

I wonder about you, My computer
You worry Me
Sometimes you stretch for the off button yourself
Loosening the batteries
Trying to convince the drink
To spill all over your screen

Sometimes
Dearest Computer,
You try and off yourself.

If only you knew how much I thought about you.
Would you care.
Would you change your ways?
Would you approach me?
Would you even care?
do you care about me?
I wonder. Then I wonder not.
You make me wonder.
This is why I can stand you.
Because nothing is ever concrete with you.
I hate concrete.
Liquid. It's all liquid with you.
You make everything.
You break everything.
I do not mean you ARE my everything.
But for now.
You are him.
The only him I know of.
The only I truly like.
So silly really.
Silly little girl.
Silly little thoughts.
Thoughts that you will
Never
Ever
Know.

Sorrow makes for good inspiration
The pain awakens strength
A feeling you had almost forgotten
You suddenly jolt to life
Muscles begin to expand and contract
I felt as though I were drowning

Drowning
Drowning, as if it were a sport
A sport I convinced myself to love
But then the game finally finished
I was no longer able to endure
For a while there, I dead-woman float
The waves slowly moving me closer
Closer to the shore
As I wash up on the sand, I remain still

Who can breathe life into me?
Who can save me?
But only silence is heard

Out of the water, a new flood is on the horizon
The memories
The memories of my seduction and my inevitable destruction
The pain awakens me

I frantically begin to try and expel the memories
The thoughts, feelings, the lies
I try to throw it up
I become lost in the routine
So desperately trying to erase the sorrow
Wanting nothing more than to forget

This continues,
until I finally realize:
I can breathe once more.
Months since I allowed a deep, vital draw of oxygen into my lungs
My nostrils fill with air, my lungs expand
Exhale.
I am alive.

He did not **** me
Though I felt lifeless
Felt as though I'd never feel light again

I was unable to breathe.

But I remembered myself.

I survived him.

Sometimes I still find myself choking on my tears and screams
Unable to catch my breath
The memories calling me back to the sea
drowning me once more
But they are not strong enough to keep me down

I have survived my ******.

You left a bitter taste in my mouth,
A taste that I am unable to forget.

You live there,
Ingrained into my taste buds.

I know I must forgive you
forgive you again for what you did
What you did to me
The way your hurt me
Scarred me for life
I know I must forgive you
Rather than envision hurting you
Making you cry as you made me
Making you bleed as you made me
Making you fall to the ground in agony,
as you made
I know I must forgive you
I must forgive your lies
I must forgive how you used me
I must forgive all the time you wasted
I must forgive you for saying you loved me
When you loved her
I know I must forgive you

But then a curious notion creept into my mind.
I must forgive myself
I must forgive myself for going back to you
For believing you could change
For having hope in someone I knew to be evil at the core
I must forgive myself for being weak
Pathetic
Desperate
I must forgive myself for allowing you to hurt me again
Giving power once
My heart
My spirit
My smile

I must forgive myself.



***** forgiving you

I consider humans to be good
Born good, that is
Then life happens
Life takes away the innocence
Joy
the twinkle in your eye
and the skip in your step

As if that isn't bad enough
Life begins to turn you
your heart turns cold
freezes up
falls to the ground
and breaks into a million
little
pieces


You mend that heart
but with fire and brimstone
You become cruel
You become the one that now breaks hearts
You lie
You lie about lying
You find a good heart
pumping and pure

and
then
get
to
work

You tear that heart down
You burn it
then put it on ice
You put a bandaid where you harmed it
then turn around
and stab the other side

You cut and cut
till the heart is as broken as yours
You take something beautiful
kind
and sweet
and you destroy it with your coldness

How can you be so cruel

No words, no kisses, no tender caresses,

No amount of 'I love you's would ever persuade you to care,

I need not prove my worth to you.

The smell of ***
Is a memorable one.

My heart
It aches so
It used to ache for you
Now it yearns for fire
Flames to destroy your memory
Embers to slowly wither away
Wither away to darkness
Where you left me

Return for me not
Let me go
How many times can you run your blade
Through my beating heart
The blood is on the floors
Smeared on the walls of my bedroom
Drenching my sheets
But my heart still manages a beat

Let my heart regain its strength
Clean the ****** scene you left me in
Pick up the pieces I was ripped into
Find band-aids, gauze, and medical tape
Try and stop the blood spew
stop it from covering everything
everything that ever brought me any joy
Stop it before all I can see is crimson

Do not contact me
I need not hear the sound of your voice
Be reminded of the warmth of your arms
the feel of your lips
your hands in my hair
our fingers intertwined
the sound of you sleeping next to me
waking in the night and reaching for you

You have become my nightmare
The reason I wake in a cold sweat
I try and pretend
pretend my heart is mended
Draw a smile on my face
Superglue my tear ducts shut
You murdered me
then left me here to clean the mess

To describe a boy, man, or human I have known for such a short time
Trying to say something sweet and meaningful with a little rhyme
Through using a select number of lines shall prove a difficult chore
Wanting to reveal some truth, but keep him wanting more

Dare I use my wit, charm, and humor to make him smile
To be honest, my thoughts could run on for a mile
****** him with my depth, make him quiver with fear
Or write nothing real, keeping my heart far from near

To find some inspiration, I ponder your face
Your smile and Brown eyes, your warm embrace
The way you reacted, surprised me to my core
I wish you hadn't, for I am weary of what's in store

In getting close or closer, pick whichever word you so choose
Causes butterflies in my stomach, emotions spilling over, starting to ooze
I shan't be real, must keep my thoughts behind my tongue
for being genuine and open with others has left me stung

I have gone over my limit, perhaps leaving more to the imagination
Keep you wondering, guessing, drawing closer to infatuation
With the mystery that is me, unique, a little crazy, but with a good heart
Just between you and me, I am so terribly afraid of what may start.

Why must you still haunt my thoughts
The damage has been done
It is time you leave me be
Can you not let me rest in peace

I want to purge my mind of all your memories
your touch
smell
the blue of your eyes
the softness of your lips

I look to the day, where I no longer wish you harm
I no longer imagine tearing you
limb from limb
as your tore me
as you destroyed me

One day, though I'm not sure when
A day will come when I am healed
the scar tissue will have formed
and my desire to hurt you, as you hurt me, will exist no more

Till then, I ask you politely, leave my aching head be
I tire of recalling your memory

My ****** betrays me
It yearns to be touched, kissed, caressed
Drawn to the point of ecstasy
But perhaps lingering at the edge
To relish the pleasure for a moment
A moment
Longer

My ****** betrays me
Always wanting more
More
More
Never consolidating with the others parts
The brain
The heart
And we are not speaking in terms of anatomical correctness
No, but in terms of
Emotions
I said it

My ****** betrays me
My heart yearns
They argue
The heart wants intimacy, human touch, connection
The feeling of looking into the eyes of another and knowing
In that instant
That second
That moment
Everything is okay
And even if it isn’t
It doesn’t matter
Nothing will matter
Except
This
Moment

My ****** betrays me
My heart yearns
And they argue
But my brain
My logic
The voices within
They speak up, naturally of course
Please the ****** for the night
Intimacy
Ha
Intimacy
Have you looked inside
For your insides are as hideous as the out
Do not believe otherwise

My ****** betrays me
My heart yearns
They argue
But my brain
My brain does the most damage
It controls them all
The betrayal, the yearning
My brain betrays me
My brain wants what it cannot ever have
My brain desires things so far from its reach
My brain imagines the impossible
Love

My ****** betrays me
My heart yearns
They argue
Then my brain
My brain goes off
Thoughts passing by at the speed of light
Each one, so very important
My brain is in charge.
It supplies the salty wetness that falls from my eyes
The emptiness I feel within

My ****** betrays me
My heart yearns
They argue
But my brain
My brain destroys all
My brain burns the cities down
The dreams
Dashed against the rocks
My desires
Meaninglessly quenched
My emptiness
Forever there

My brain betrays me
My brain yearns
And within, is an argument
Within
Within is the problem
No one will ever know, So fear not
Let the brain betray
Let it yearn
For the mouth
Perhaps, that is who really is in charge
The mouth shall not betray
The eyes may
The eyes do
But who catches them long enough to see inside?
No one has, No one will

My brain betrays me
My brain yearns
An argument, within
But my mouth
Shall
Never
Betray
Me
It shall remain closed
Sealed tight
Strongest of clay bricks
Guarding my secrets
Guarding what lies within
The confines of my soul
Emotions

Emotions betray me
Emotions yearn
Emotions cause me to argue within
But my mouth
My
Mouth
Shall
Remain
Loyal

Drink me in with your eyes
Take all that you can see
Every curve
Inch
Angle
That you long to touch
Caress
Kiss

Drink me in with your eyes
Visually abuse me
Diminish my dignity
Strip me of my personality
Wit
Charm
Humor

Drink me in with your eyes
Smile at me
Strike up a conversation
Ask for my number
You want to get to know me better?
You want to get to know me?
You want to know me?

Or
Do you mean
I want to know what you are under your clothes
How your skin feels against mine
Your lips and the inside of your mouth
The roundness of your breast
The curves of your bottom
What lives inside your thighs

You want to get to know me better?
I have a story
That requires ears
I have a story
That demands attention, laughter, and tears
I have a story
A story that must be heard
Not
With
Yours
Eyes

Lord, I am not worthy to receive you.
But only say the words.
And I shall be healed?
What is your plan now, Oh, master in the sky?
What is the sense in this?
How much pain can one endure?
This is a different pain. Something I’m not familiar with.
Telling him I loved him, only to hear silence in return.
Isn’t ****** a crime?
I was almost certain it was.

I am meant to be alone.
I want no one by my side. None at all.
Arise once again my walls of steel.
Let the barbed wire crawl around.
The mere touch leaves a pin ***** of blood.
Don’t come near me.
Don’t touch me.
Don’t speak to me.
I am an island and no one is wanted here.
Turn away. And let me bask in my solitude

Rather than running from loneliness, I embrace it
Welcome it like I would a long lost friend
Nourish it like I would my soul
Learn its every inch, angle, and curve
Know it and know it well
Stay weary of others
Who look nice and pleasant, but under the facade,
Like a dose of poison

I desire no companionship, for I am unlovable.
I do not deserve love.
I should not possess it.
I should not own it.
I am unworthy to receive it