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 Oct 2015 LycanTheThrope
K Alexys
light up my whole life.

with you i can only go right.

embedded in my heart is a feeling i'll never stop feeling

i've said it before and i'll keep on repeating

y o u

light up my whole life.
my dear
please
tell me what you'd do
if you were me
&
I were you ?
now
take your head out of the
ground &
put both feet inside my shoes;
it is defeat and even ruin
this thing most often,
you've been doing
to the organs that I need
still you're my
favorite bleeding being;
yet you'd never take the time
to understand
some of my why's
& all the reasons I can't find
reiterate inside my mind
that your heart's no longer mine
and in the morning maybe I
can find that somehow
I'll be fine

& I hope
that
somehow starts tonight
 Oct 2015 LycanTheThrope
penn
I know deep inside, I am not the child my parents wanted.

I can tell by the way they look into my eyes, because theirs glaze over, and by the way they don't take anything I say too seriously.
I can tell by the way they ask me about my future, and when I say, "I'm not sure but," they lose interest in knowing.

I can tell when they read the newspaper and see all the successful honor students at my school, they sigh, because my name isn't printed in ink on the list.

I feel like when I talk, they don't really listen, because if they did, they would read between the lines and realize I wanted to **** myself a hundred times.

I feel like when I'm upset I can no longer show emotion, because my mother has called me lazy too many times, and my dad has shook his head once too many.

I feel like when I'm sitting on the couch when I get home from school, they are disgusted because I should be "doing something more productive". So I 'sometimes' feel like being comfortable in my own home anymore.

I feel like I have to hide away in my room, because when I'm around them we don't talk much anyways. (Except my Mom)

I feel like I'm just another tab on their bill, especially when all they talk about is how they're low on money and make it feel like it's my fault.

It's just, I think they wanted someone  more, someone better.
I think they wanted a smart kid, just like my brothers and sisters,with a great passion for life, who is nothing but happy, busy, talented, outgoing. They wanted someone who would for sure succeed more than they did in life, someone who could assure them assistance in their older years.

But  they  got  me,
the kid who has social anxieties,
the one who gets 'okay' grades,
the kid whose  sad  most of the time,
the kid who has depression,
the kid who has secretly attempted  suicide,
the kid whose just another kid,
not the kid whose  Nothing  like me...
First Degree** ~ For the love of good food and drink. I love watching people eat the food that I have prepared and really enjoy it. This time of year is also very special with all the fall aromas in the kitchen and all around. I love mixing fire whiskey with an apple flavored beer Mmm so good.

Second Degree ~ The love of nature and our furry little friends. The unconditional love they have for us is amazing. I love all the euphoric senses of nature.  Watching a beautiful sunset or leaves turning colors, listening to birds sing their hearts out, tasting a snowflake as it falls on our tongue, feeling sand and water on your toes, and smelling the crispness of fall air and the smell of seasoned firewood.

Third Degree ~ For the Love of Poetry. We poets see the world differently.  We choose how we want to see it and our own reality of it. We can see things in fantasy or the factual. The world is our playground and we are constantly at play and being creative.

Fourth Degree ~ The love of family and friends. Having two beautiful wonderful souls as my sisters.  They are my best friends. My son having grandparents and cousins galore who adore him. My friends and family have helped me in so many ways and it's always good to reciprocate when possible. I love the feeling I get when I can help someone.

Fifth Degree ~ The love of a spouse. Your other half. When both people are in tune with each other they can make beautiful music. This is a work in progress for me. We have our good and our bad days but the love is there no doubt.

Sixth Degree ~ The love that I have for my child. This one is the easiest and the best love for me.  I wrote this when my son was born-
The one thing I will never lose touch with is that sweet little face looking up at me. No single word not even Love could possibly be enough for what I feel, nor will it ever be.

Seventh Degree~ The Love of God. I would not be able to experience any of these other degrees without this one first. He has seen me at my lowest and yet has still loved me. The love of god is full of grace and mercy.
This is my list to my happiness. I want to encourage you all to make your own lists. I want to see them.
Erewhile, on England's pleasant shores, our sires
Left not their churchyards unadorned with shades
Or blossoms; and indulgent to the strong
And natural dread of man's last home, the grave,
Its frost and silence--they disposed around,
To soothe the melancholy spirit that dwelt
Too sadly on life's close, the forms and hues
Of vegetable beauty.--There the yew,
Green even amid the snows of winter, told
Of immortality, and gracefully
The willow, a perpetual mourner, drooped;
And there the gadding woodbine crept about,
And there the ancient ivy. From the spot
Where the sweet maiden, in her blossoming years
Cut off, was laid with streaming eyes, and hands
That trembled as they placed her there, the rose
Sprung modest, on bowed stalk, and better spoke
Her graces, than the proudest monument.
There children set about their playmate's grave
The *****. On the infant's little bed,
Wet at its planting with maternal tears,
Emblem of early sweetness, early death,
Nestled the lowly primrose. Childless dames,
And maids that would not raise the reddened eye--
Orphans, from whose young lids the light of joy
Fled early,--silent lovers, who had given
All that they lived for to the arms of earth,
Came often, o'er the recent graves to strew
Their offerings, rue, and rosemary, and flowers.

  The pilgrim bands who passed the sea to keep
Their Sabbaths in the eye of God alone,
In his wide temple of the wilderness,
Brought not these simple customs of the heart
With them. It might be, while they laid their dead
By the vast solemn skirts of the old groves,
And the fresh ****** soil poured forth strange flowers
About their graves; and the familiar shades
Of their own native isle, and wonted blooms,
And herbs were wanting, which the pious hand
Might plant or scatter there, these gentle rites
Passed out of use. Now they are scarcely known,
And rarely in our borders may you meet
The tall larch, sighing in the burying-place,
Or willow, trailing low its boughs to hide
The gleaming marble. Naked rows of graves
And melancholy ranks of monuments
Are seen instead, where the coarse grass, between,
Shoots up its dull green spikes, and in the wind
Hisses, and the neglected bramble nigh,
Offers its berries to the schoolboy's hand,
In vain--they grow too near the dead. Yet here,
Nature, rebuking the neglect of man,
Plants often, by the ancient mossy stone,
The brier rose, and upon the broken turf
That clothes the fresher grave, the strawberry vine
Sprinkles its swell with blossoms, and lays forth
Her ruddy, pouting fruit. * * * *
you say that i'm strong
but you're wrong

you say i'm stronger than you
but i have given in one too
many times

i am weak
you are strong

i see you as strong
i see myself as weak

you see me as strong
you see yourself as weak
for a friend
I can't sleep
          I'm [alone]
I can't do this
          No one is [here]
I am a mistake
          I don't [matter]
I'm unnecessary
         No one really [needs me]
They don't care
         They're just going to [abandon me] anyways
Why trick myself?
          [I don't matter]
I don't know what's with the brackets... meh.
**** it up

Put on a smile

Pretend to be you

Pretend there aren't tears threatening to peek through.

let's play [pretend]
I'm so so scared
I'm so so afraid
I'm scared of failing
I'm scared of losing the ones I love
I'm scared of dying
I'm scared of being left behind
I'm scared of my knife
I'm scared of my life
But I'm terrified of myself
Of my mind
Of what happens when I listen to my voices
Of what happens when I'm left alone
Of what happens when I can't control my mind
Or my body
Or when I have a fit
Just what I'm scared of. No one really knows (including me) what happens when I have fits. I don't remember what I do or say and I can't think clearly. It's so scary
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