I make up
a lot of fantasies
about love
The best one
was the one called us

I was promised
too many things
all at once
That when they broke it
one by one
I didn't notice
until it was all gone

Bury me in the warmth of your embrace
Drown me in the scent of something like home
Carry my fears into whispers of forever
Hold me til I question if I was ever broken at all

I wish I can look back
And say I had no regrets
That I learned all my lessons
And in front of you is a new person
But I keep making the same mistakes
And somehow I have more questions
Like how is it that I still feel broken
Even after my supposed salvation

Why must I look into your eyes
And ask where I stand
In front of you
where you can't see me
Beside you
where I am forgotten
Or behind her
as a shadow you can neglect

There was nothing between us.
No sweet words uttered in secret
No promises made under the moonlight
No longing looks stolen from time
No names patiently carved with a knife
But his lips stayed longer than they should
And his hands lingered for a while
His eyes spoke a language we never learned
Like something deep down had overturned

I am sorry
that my hugs
can be suffocating.
It's not always
because I'm scared
to let you go.
Sometimes,
I am just trying
to hold myself
together.

I want to take back the days I was sad
I want to show you that I can be better
Kinder, more lovable, braver
I want to take back the days I wasted
crying on my bed stuck in my head
When I could have,
should have been better instead
But I can't take back the days I was sad
No I can only be better

In it’s own way, self love can be the hardest kind
When you are against your own stubborn
Your own cynic
Learning to fight for that love
Means learning to do more than just survive
To understand that being selfish can be a kindness
And that being fragile also means to be treated gently
And not just easily broken or damaged

I place my hands above yours
Careful not to crush you
With the weight of my being
I let you make the choice
To intertwine our stories
So that if you pull apart
I will have nothing to let go of

I sold my soul to poetry
And never looked back
But now every relationship
Is a writing prompt
Every trauma, a metaphor

I was desperate for peace
I allowed the chaos
To drown me into silence

Time flows
And all wounds
are supposed to heal
But I am still here
I am still her.

You should have just taught me how to smoke
Instead of things like how to drive and cook my favorite food
That way I could’ve simply tried to give up a bad habit
The same way you gave me up

Practice religion in any way you need to
Be it through prayer, philosophy or poetry
Any gracious God will accept your soul
No matter how you choose to offer it

I am certain
that we will find each other
in our next lifetime
and the ones after that
But **** the Gods still
for not giving us this one

I do not
write happy
Language
too foreign
for me
Sadness
I do more
eloquently

I wish kindness finds you
And proves sincerity exists
That happiness can be found
And that love
can still make the world go round

Anxiety means
I stood there
outside your
door for an hour
Coaxing
whatever brave
I had left
to come out.
It didn't
and I turned back
towards home

Little girl, young and afraid
The world on your shoulders will be heavily weighed
People will be cruel and life unjust
They will teach you to grow up with deceit and distrust
But little girl, listen carefully to me
There is so much more out there if you make it to be
Happiness is a choice and love is something you share
Do not let them take away your ability to care
So little girl, young and afraid
Be brave
Become kindness instead

The first time she looked up
She fell in love with the sky
Her heart reaching higher
The only answer was to fly

So she made wings of her heart
Carved dreams into feathers
Bid farewell to earth
And fluttered towards ether

But gravity loved her too
Had no intention to let go
Pulled her firmly to the ground
And broke her wings in woe

I never knew I was drowning
I thought that's just how everybody lived
With water filling their chests,
With hearts pushing with every beat
No light in the bottom of the ocean

Then I started swimming towards the light
Not knowing what lied beyond the surface
The first time air touched my lips
and caught in my throat
it felt like a violent whiplash

It felt like I was dying
The water spilling out of me
My heart beating so fast, lungs filled with air. It was painful to breathe
It was painful to live

I was the ocean
And she was space
Two restless souls
Trying to find their place

One created blackholes
In between her stars
The other drowned sailors
Who ventured too far

Two divergent spirits
But for fate or some reason
For a few fleeting moments
They meet in the horizon

Wherever life takes you,
Do not forget that you are
the space to my ocean
If your darkness becomes too much
Look down on me
and I will reflect back your stars

I stand at the edge
refusing to fall
I was being defiant
by not answering your call
Because I was afraid
Because I was trying to be brave
Because that moment you reached out
Deep down, I knew wanted to cave
Into
You
Into every promise
I'm too scared to trust
Into everything
I claimed to be weakness
But
You
You see right through my fraud
And you disarm me with your smile
Strip away my facade
And I am left defenseless everytime

She tells me

I should be grateful,

that I survived.

But why does survival

FEEL

like I'm hooked up

to a machine

forcing air

into my lungs;

keeping me alive

when I've long been

DEAD

Soft limbs and fragile hearts
As we glided in each others arms
Timid steps, a secret art
Shaky hands that hold me warm

One step forward, two steps back
A few stumbles in between
A prayer they won't change the track
As our shadows slowly close in

I guess I wanted warmth
And I guess we burned for a while
But you were only a flicker
When I needed fire

I hate that it takes
so little to break me
That I have to struggle daily
to rebuild every small piece
Becoming more fragile
with each attempt
Knowing that every effort
will not make me unbroken

My father has a quiet strength
so quiet
that you forget it's even there
so quiet
that I mistake it for silence
Silence in the midst
of my brother's threats
Silence made louder
by my mother's own voice
Loud, opinionated,
well-meaning, hurtful
My mother speaks too many words
All at once
Without pauses in between
to let anyone else in
No spaces left to tell
your side of the story
Forcing you towards conclusions,
leaving you gasping
My sister,
she wears her heart on her sleeve
Honest, flawed,
every piece meant to be adored
And she shines a little too bright
And hurts a little too much
She is a lot like our mother
and like her,  
hurts without meaning to
My brother on the other end,
is a lot like me
Putting up walls
in places that do not need them
Thinking that the world rejects,
when we are the ones
that refuse to let it in
The part of me that finds familiarity
symphatizes and despises him both
And I,
selfish and lonely,
continues to break for him
For them
For me

I wish to be the heart break
behind your eyes
the words
to every sad love song on the radio
the quiet melancholy
that wakes you every morning
the raindrops
that hit your window

I wish to be the sorrow
you carry with every step
the bitter taste
that lingers on your tongue
the sighs
that haunt the spaces of your day
the last regret you'll hang upon

I learned to hold myself back
the same day I learned
there can be too much of me
Too much anger
Too much honesty
Too many emotions

I learned that I lose people
When I care too much
So I cut out some pieces
Hoping to be someone's enough
Gave out some pieces too
Trying to make someone just right

I built myself a home in places
That people called temporary living space
Taped pictures in the walls
While they kept clothes in suitcases

I nestled my heart right in its corners
Nevermind the boxes left unpacked
Stayed there even as the lights turned off
Hopelessly waiting for someone to comeback

We expect
the same sincerity
we’re not
willing to give
Waiting for
someone else
to hand us
the courage to live

He knew
he could melt me
with a touch
Dipped his fingers
into my darkness
Burnt his hand
with the pieces still on fire
With a tarred finger
in his mouth
He declared me
sweet

A hand writing silly notes to leave with the food meant to keep you alive during work

A shoulder staying still so you won't wake up from your nap on a 2 hour drive

Arms that tighten around you, figjting to hold you together

A back against your door shaking in tears, refusing to leave you behind

Eyes straining to keep awake so you won't be alone on one of your darkest nights

A soul spilling unto paper to write a poem of how much you are loved in this life

I was raised learning
that an incredible love
amounted to an equally
incredible guilt
towards the choices
that are made in our names
the opportunities missed
and the dreams abandoned

I was taught to apologize
to that love
long before I understood
what I was apologizing for
never once asking
where the limits of my
incredible guilt stood
when to stop nor if I could