Poetry is when I play interpreter to my heart
Fumbling to find the right words
Stumbling to convey love beyond a four letter word
A million things get lost in translation
I inscribe loneliness most times
Happiness she prefers left unwritten
And you, she'd rather kept hidden
But I know you from all the unintended traces that spill unto everything she says
I try not to write about you
Or at least eclipse you in between the lines
But it's impossible when you're the one all her words are meant for

Beginnings start at the end
And at 23,
there is still a lot of growing up to go
A few more stumbles
A lot more mistakes
Some tears
but hopefully less heartbreaks

So take it slow
and start where you are
Life is short
but the end is still far
Take risks and make memories
Don't waste any on empty worries

And live each day in all of its glory
Live as the heroine of your story

I will not tell you to stop being sad or that there is no need to worry because you and I know that depression and anxiety don't work that way. Telling someone to stop being sad is like telling someone with OCD to stop locking the door 36 times or telling someone with asthma to "just breathe". Pure and utter *******. So instead, I will tell you to cry, cry until you've created an ocean of the abyss that lives within you. Wallow in self pity, swim with your sadness and dive in all that negativity. Just keep in mind that what I'm telling you is to swim, not sink. Keep swimming, swim as far as you can, swim until your body aches with fatigue, until your muscles cramp or until you get sick of the water. Then when you've decided you've had enough, comeback to the shore and there I'll be waiting.  Once we've dried you off, I will rebuild you with donuts and icecream.

I want a lazy kind of love
Too early to acknowledge the sun peeking through the window blinds
Too comfortable to disentangle arms and legs and sheets between us
Just enough warmth to forget all the plans we've made for the day
And that lazy smile resting on your face saying good morning everyday

I hope you think of us on Malibu nights
A couple of sad drunk girls
under pink fairy lights
The sound of our laughter
drowning away
the tears that we've shed
I hope you felt all the love we've left unsaid

Perhaps I am attracted to melancholy
and to every lost soul
Like a distant call I refuse to ignore
I jump into every ocean
not knowing how to swim
No ounce of hesitation at all
But through every answer
Every outstretched hand
I hope to become the person
I once needed the most
I hope to be someone's salvation
I hope to save my own ghost

The phone rings in my hand
as I wipe away the tears.
She calls for no other reason
and the good daughter settles in to take control

It's about my brother of course,
he's in trouble; he needs me
I hold my voice steady and keep the broken parts at bay
I tell her okay. Not to worry and that I'll be on my way

She worries for him, repeats instructions a million times
It hurts me that she doesn't notice the little cracks in my voice
The quiet pauses in between the yes's and okays

I try not to be selfish
Be the daughter she needs me to be Strong and unbroken
But as the patched up pieces barely hold on to each other
The child within me cries for her mother

I get headaches
instead of heartaches
My brain pushing down emotions.
So I used to take pain relievers whenever I feel hurt
I sometimes still do
So sometimes I get confused
if I'm hurting
or just having a migraine

I beg her to stop hurting me
As she digs the knife deeper
Telling me she loves me
Telling me she knows better

I beg her, 'Mama please'
But she's not listening anymore
In her eyes, I am only child
Still a child and nothing more

and I am the shore it faithfully returns to.

I forget that I am not always warm sand and sunshine for the few seconds
before the water hits
and washes my sandcastles away

Sometimes the waves break first
and slowly bubbles its way towards me

Gentle enough to make me wonder if maybe
the cold is meant to comfort me instead

Gentle enough to make me forget of
the tsunamis that left me stranded and bare

But the sunset is beautiful
And no other shade of blue is more romantic
So I sit by the shore and let the waves push and pull at me
Make me forget, make me question memory

I am never the same person twice, different from who I was yesterday
I've made a habit of breaking and rebuilding numerous times

So do not worry about returning the pieces you've taken

Like cells slowly replacing every inch of my skin
There will be parts of me you would have never been

Weak boy in disguise
Let me tell you why you’re not nice
See my body, from head to toe
Is my property and no means no
Whatever I put on my face
Does not entitle you to get on my case
And whatever outfit I decide to wear
Is not an invitation for you to stare
So do not assume, give no advice
I owe you nothing just because you’re “nice”
There is no playing hard to get
No only “jerks” can get me wet
I make my own decisions
I have my own mind
So ******* with the criticisms
If you would be so kind

fill me with  your soul
spill unto me every thought
every sickness  of the heart
one by one
we'll take them apart
and piece by  piece
we'll rebuild you whole

I am a broken glass of water
filled to the brim
A few drops from spilling
A few drops from breaking

You are the soft sigh of the waves
receeding from the shore
The warm breeze on a slow day
The pink sky before the sun bids goodnight
The first flower that  blooms on May

He reached into the sandbox
And found all the favorite toys
I thought I lost long ago
Picked up a red bucket
And told me we could rebuild the sandcastle
That some kid stomped all over
He asked if I wanted to be the princess
And I told him 'I want to be the Red Ranger'
I expected him to say something stupid,
Like 'Girls can't be the Red Ranger'
But instead he replied, 'Cool, I'll be Yellow'

It seems I write best
when I am a little broken
The cracks allowing escape
of feelings unspoken

It will not spite you
for taking its intentions,
putting it into your mouth
and spitting it back to the world
contaminated with your soul

I broke off my heart
trying to give you back
the pieces that you've lost

Exactly how many times must a soul break
Before a masterpiece is written?
How many pieces more do I need to shatter
To create a poem that will outlive me

I've decided to
let time flow
between us

Until it erodes
all the bitterness
we've built up

Washing away
all the pain
and wrong notions

Leaving room
for new waters
to pile up

Until forgiveness
flows back
into the ocean

I made a room out of sadness
filled it with picture frames
of arguments I refused to let go
A tear stained sofa
that was meant to welcome guests
Is now where my past
has overstayed its welcome

Hanging on the walls
is a picture I drew
of a memory called happy
And on the coffee table
sits an old phonebook
of people who promised
to stay in touch

This was only supposed to be
a guestroom where I allowed
my chaos to visit from time to time
But somehow the boxes of anxiety
have piled up
and the monsters
have found their way
under this bed too

There were words meant to be said
And actions needed to be taken
But we both choose to be safe
Than risk being forsaken

Mermaid pick a voice
that's more than nice
Find someone who'll listen
throughtout the night
Maybe he'll drown
your sorrows instead
By the end of this story
Maybe you won't be dead

She'll be okay once she cries it out
Like pushing your fingers down your throat
She just needs to let it all out then she'll feel better

She'll be okay, she's a really good liar
Her parents can't even tell
Sometimes even she doesn't know the truth herself

She'll be okay when they leave
She doesn't even like staying herself
She'll probably leave first before everyone else

Don't worry, she'll be okay on her own
You know she's very strong
She's been doing this on her own for very long

I grew up
by the seashore
Never learning
how to swim
Saw sunrise
turn to sunset
As the lazy waves
turned in

Years of watching
the horizon
Spent changing
with the tides
The ocean breeze
still pulled me home
The deep blue
still mystified

I got high
on his secondhand smoke
Jealous of the cigarette
between his lips
Like a bull raging
towards all his red flags
In death, I wondered
how his lips would taste

Here in the city under these bright urban lights
I hear people calling their dreams to come alive
Out there where scrapers tend to touch the sky
I'd give anything for that one angel's smile

Somewhere in the world, someone's gazing at the stars
Another stranger is sitting alone in the corner of a bar
Out there where possibilities come in endless strings
Somebody's wondering what tomorrow will bring

Facing the endless sea towards the waking of dawn
A new life opens as the past comes undone
On the other side, twilight collects the remains of the day
Memories are fading and sands are washed away

I had a dream once of not so long ago
Of a girl standing still in the middle of the snow
White flakes covered every corner of my view
But I always found her like she was someone I knew

She seemed so familiar with her blood shot eyes
She looked like she'd been crying her entire life
Pale skin covered in wounds and lined by scars
Neon signs blindingly painful even from afar

My entire being desperately ached after her
Every cell screaming, "Don't let her suffer!"
I wanted to hold her, dry all her tears
Tell her there was nothing she should ever fear

But move I could not, not a single step
And words couldn't escape, not even my breath
I struggled hopelessly to be by her side
Thinking that if I didn't, she might have to die

Angry tears threatened, urging me to fight
But then she faded away, out of my sight
Suddenly I could move again but it was now too late
I wasn't able to save the girl from her terrible fate

I fall to the ground heaving, feeling an awful pain
It felt like lightning cursing through my veins
And then there was blood in my now pale complexion
Only then had I known, I was looking at my reflection