I want to move on,
But I am stuck.
Stuck on the memories.
Stuck on what could've been.
Stuck on wondering what went wrong.
Stuck on wondering what more I could've done.

I am stuck on the way you made me laugh.
I am stuck on the way you held my hand.
I am stuck on the way you held me in your arms, as we gazed up at the stars on a cold December night.
I am stuck on our roadtrips and our perfectly imperfect duets.
I am stuck on who you empowered and encouraged me to be.
I am stuck on how you made me feel and who you were when I was falling in love.

Now, I see you,
And every time I do,
My heart breaks all over.
I see you talk to everyone else in the room, and bit by bit I fall apart inside.
I see you with other girls, encouraging them the way you did me at the beginning.
I see you moving on, completely unstuck,
Completely unphased by the torment I am in.

You made me genuinely happy.
Happier than I've ever been.
And I can choose to be joyful
and patient
and kind
and humble
and good,

But happiness is stuck in the past with you.

I am an average girl.
Ms. "Almost Exceptional,"
One point short,
Just barely missed the cut,
Poor girl.

I give all of my heart,
Yet not enough.
I find almost the perfect fit,
But not quite...
Right.

I am the optimistic pessimist.
The dream-filled cynic.
The cautious adventurer.
I fear the future and the potential
Of hope.

I cling to my desire for love
I wallow in my history of misery.
I want to be by myself
But not alone.
Adored, known,

And unabandoned.

If I disappeared,
Would you turn back all the years?
Would you examine every moment,
Try to decode every tear?

If I left forever,
Would you even care?
Would there be any good about me
That you'd feel that you could share?

If I left tomorrow,
Would you be filled with sorrow?
Or would you say that I was selfish?
That I should have just been stronger?

If, all at once, I wasn't here,
Would you feel there was more you could've done?
Or would you shrug, perfectly geared,
Saying you did no wrong?

If you looked back on my calls for help,
Would you have seen the signs?
Or would you still be tunnel-visioned,
And unknowingly blind?

...I ask this because I want to know...

If I died,
Would you cry?
Or would you lie,
And say you tried?

He told us to get in the boat and go ahead of him.
Why wouldn't he just come with us?
We stayed in the boat all night.
How was he going to meet us on the other side?
As the sky turned to a lighter tinge of gray and the sun's rays began to stretch across the horizon, we saw something in the distance.
What was that?
It was a figure.
Who was that?
We were panic-stricken... "It's a ghost."
What did it want?
"Take courage," it said. "It is I. Don't be afraid."
Jesus?
"Lord, if it is you, tell me to come to you on the water."
How would that work?
"Come," he said.
Would this work?
I climbed over the edge of the boat and took a step onto the water.
Why wasn't I sinking?
I looked ahead towards Jesus and began to inch my way slowly towards him.
How is this happening?!
I turned and realized the wind.  A wave of fear overtook me.
What if I sink and He doesn't catch me?
I began to fall through the water. "Lord, save me!"
He's too far... what if I drown?
At once, a hand took hold of my arm. "You of little faith."
"Why did you doubt?"

*Why did I doubt?

You had taken me so far
And I should have trusted you.
Instead, I turned my back, and so
Then you had to, too.

You had made me into a queen
But I did not fear the grave.
So, I decided I knew better...
And now I am a slave.

You had made me full of greatness.
But then I turned and fled.
Now I live in exile,
Tired, widowed, deserted.

I did not consider my future
When I decided to rebel against you.
They say the fall was astounding
And over time my sorrows grew.

So now what is left to do?
I have no one to comfort or help me.
Instead of keeping my eyes on you,
I decided to live life selfishly.

God of peace
God above
God to praise
God to love

God of truth
God so near
God is pure
God is here

We had never even talked;
I really only knew of you.
We passed by each other in the hallways,
Consumed by all we had to do.

Now, three years later,
I suddenly discover you are gone...
Makes me wonder if we had been friends,
Could you have found the will to carry on?

Maybe just a weak "hello"
Or a smile of silent understanding
Could have been enough to keep you here
When life had gotten more demanding.

I wonder if my friendship
Could have simply helped you to know
That life is hard for all of us
And that you were not alone.

The feelings must have been raw,
As the voices in your head got louder.
Maybe if you could have foreseen the fallout
You would have lived your life a little prouder.

I don't know what you went through
And I probably wouldn't have been a huge difference
But perhaps, for you, I could have been
Some sort of interference.

I'm praying for your families--
Because I wish you knew that you had two.
There was the one with the same last name
But also those friends who chose to love you.

I wish that you could see
How much everyone here is grieving
Asking what more they could have done
Just to keep you from leaving.

And I am sorry I couldn't help you
That you felt there was no other way--
And I wish I had given you a bit more thought
Than just finding out the other day.

Even though I didn't help you
I just wanted you to see:
In one day, you touched so many lives--
One of those being me.