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 Nov 2014 Laura Matas
Holly
I have never felt
more confused
than I do now.

being prejudged,
pressure from teachers,
expectations from parents,
insecurities from media influence
or by comparing ourselves to others.
stumbling through
day by day,
low self-esteem,
rumours,
peer pressure,
mood swings,
spots,
hormones,
not feeling good enough,
constant tiredness
and emotions that
we don't even understand
are things that we,
as teenagers,
have to face every day.

Fighting to hold it together
whilst still trying to figure out
who we are.

Self-harm? "attention seeker"
Mental illness? "get a grip"
Suicidal? "cheer up"

They can be so ignorant.

I don't think
that some people realise
how difficult it is
to grow up
in a society
like this.
If I disappeared;
just gave up,
would a sole notice
my life had stopped?

Maybe entangled,
they would stay;
their eyes locked,
keys thrown away.

Would they remember the loneliness
that possessed my being,
or would they remember the lies
I allowed them to believe?
2020: “Your ***** is God” just came on and it was perfect timing.
Also I did disappear—from a terrible life in a terrible “not a cult” and yeah..nobody really noticed. Good. Because I don’t even recognize this person anymore. So glad she’s not me.
Being wrapped in blankets is a seemingly wonderful thing. You get all wrapped up, things are feeling grand, but one wrong movement and BAM: a swab of fabric unexpectedly covers your face. You squirm and try anything to get it off; to unwrap yourself, but, alas, you cannot--you're stuck.
Breathing becomes more and more difficult until you are completely suffocating. Suddenly, everyone walks away, aloof to what is happening; but wait--here's the catch: there are no blankets and there are people all around.

"What's wrong with you?" They ask.

They wonder why doing anything is so hard; why nothing is enjoyable--why you may be numb to everything. They can't see the blankets, or that the struggle to escape overpowers all joy; that it may be so tight that you've become numb.

They don't understand why you want to give up.

"Get over it." They say, as they walk around, free as a bird, no blankets to hold them down.

You want to take their advice; to set yourself free. You begin to slash at the blankets, only to realize you're only slashing at yourself--but it helps for a bit. Maybe you feel less pain; maybe you finally feel something. For a few moments, you can breathe and put on pretend wings.
Fake wings don't last forever, though. Soon they fall, are stolen, break, get lost--whatever it may be--and they're gone.

You slip back into the blankets.

The birds with real wings start to notice; they want to know why you're doing this to them again.
"You were doing so well!" They insist.

You do what you know, and your scars become too numerous to count.
Again and again you escape and find  a pair of wings, but it never seems to be enough.

You are never enough.

Suddenly, you've got it. If you're small enough--strong enough--the blankets can't contain you.
So food becomes your enemy.
Soon enough, your blanket becomes as empty as you are. You think you are strong as you easily slide out, finding refuge in a pair of beautiful wings.
The birds all stare.

"How thin she's gotten," they comment.
Some are concerned, others jealous.
"She's not healthy," they say.
They take your wings away, insisting you need help.

The blankets are always there, waiting. This time, they've gotten smaller and they swallow you up. As you begin to be forced to swallow as well, the blankets refuse to grow with you.
Breathing is harder than ever.

You realize there's no way to stop this cycle. The blankets will always be waiting, never relenting. The birds will never understand, always blind to the fabric encompassing your face.

There is only one way out that will last forever, never a blanket in sight.
Slash deep enough and the blankets will disappear--and so will the birds.
"I can be free," you think.

Freedom at last.
2020: breaking news: blankets burn and so do birds. Freedom smells like charred fabric and fowls.

— The End —