I come to write whenever I need to let out.
Sometimes I feel so trapped in this chaotic world,
Constantly filling up and never pouring out.

I've dated a boy for two years.
He was to take away the pain of him.
He was suppose to be temporary.
A sweet man he evolved into; nothing like him.
He pursues me truly, not like him.
He is consistent, not like him.
He loves sweetly-never fighting & always patient, not like him.
He isn't dangerous. Not like him.

ive read about bad-boys.
My heart always craved for one.
Someone to take me away from the safe-zone I've always felt; someone different.
Perhaps that's why I fell so hard in love with "him" years ago.
Perhaps that's why I still find glimpses of the sadness from losing "him" on the lonely nights.

But then I look at the one my heart truly loves.
I've found that love isn't a feeling, as much as that bad boy in my adolescence made me feel.
To see a man choose me in every way.
To see a man be patient in waiting, in pursuing, and guarding my heart.
To see a man sacrifice his own desires for mine constantly.
To see a man believe in me.
To see a man provide.
To see a man who loves.
Is far more beautiful than the emotional confliction I called "love" in my younger years.

ive found a man who has truly taught me to love.
And for that, I am surrendering my past and pressing on to the future.
For I believe in a love, the kind I thought didn't exist, to continue breaking me, molding me, and changing me.
To love I owe it all.

r,
it's been a while since i've written. i guess i thought that if i didn't write, didn't talk, or even thought, you would finally leave. you still haunt me. it's been three years, and i still claim that i see you on the roads-the roads i know you're not on. it's been three years and i still imagine any day is the one-the one you call me up and just want to talk.
to make matters worse, i fell in love. we've been dating, and it's year one. i fell in love, but i didn't. it's so confusing i know.
i fell in love with him in my mind. he's perfect, r. to everyone but me, it seems like he's the one. he loves me so much, it's unimaginable. he's safe-he will always provide for me. he would do anything for me, he has no flaw.

but he's not you.

i fell in love with you with my heart a long time ago, and it seems like you still have not returned it. i pray to my God day in and day out that you would show up, that He would show me a sign. i would love to let go. i want you to be gone. how can someone not be present, but still always appear?

i'm sorry this letter is the worst one any soul has ever written. i'm sad. i'm tired. i'm done. i can't even form beautiful words to bear my heavy heart.

just know that as always, i am carrying on. i am writing, i am praying, i am crying, i am singing, i am trusting. and r, i am living. i've been choosing every day to be joyous. i've been trusting that one day this will all get figured out.

let me tell you a little secret though:
i still want to believe that you are the one.

The only solice my heart found was finding words the explicitly described the hurt my heart held.
Memories of the past only hurt.
Desires and dreams only provoked.
But words.
They held peace.

It made sense.
There wasn't the confusion
Is he the one
Is he right
Is this it
Just peace.
Peace that surpasses understanding.
And a knowledge that the only conflicting agenda
Was the confliction of her heart.
A heart that never renewed its knowledge in trust.

I find myself singing when I think of you,
but it's scary how love works.
It's as if when you find it,
Your fear that it may never last overcomes you.
I find myself placing a wall to guard the easily swayed heart deep down inside.
Because I fear you'll be like the rest, like the others.
It's a battle, a battle I feel I always lose.
But isn't that what happens.
Isn't it that crazy thing we call life.
We dance, we sing, we cry, we laugh, we doubt, we fear,
But oh how what an amazing thing it is
To finally find love.

Or so that's what I've been told.