You shine.
You radiate with warmth that draws me closer.
You are the sun and I am the moon.

I enlighten.
I glow.
I makes you smile just by being close.

You're hotter.
I'm cooler.
You're sweeter.
I'm smoother.
But together we are conquers.
You are the sun that keeps me exposed to you.

The star of my heart at the center of my attention.
A lovely woman that the solar system's missing.

While I am the moon.
A satellite of brightness glowing with love for you.

We moon struck with romantic feelings for one another.
This guy's proud to be your lover.

Everyday, I struggle to be a better version of myself. There are nights that I would cry because I don't want to be this weak pathetic thing who cries over small things easily. But everyday, I also get to be reminded of God's grace, love, and mercy. It's really hard to accept your negative side but it's much harder if you don't acknowledge that it's there. Still, I feel better knowing that each day, I'm striving hard to get there and I'm getting there. To the point wherein I don't have to justify my wrong actions by saying that I'm not perfect because I'm just human and it's in my nature. We are all works in progress, still being chiseled by God through  trying circumstances. (And I'm not referring, in a biased manner, only to the God that I believe in but to a God that each one of us personally believe in, no matter what religion you're in.) Perhaps, somewhere deep inside me was the hope that the world isn't or need not be just about strife, insecurity, corruption, betrayal, conflict, war, etc. That we can choose to help each other by accepting one another's differences as well as flaws and to forgive even if it's hard. I cannot speak for myself because I've been through times(and I still am going through times) wherein I still find it hard to forgive, but at least I can try to be that person. We all can. Living in this world taught me great things, having met various kinds of people taught me greater things but most importantly, believing in God  taught me the greatest things.

"He replied, 'Whether he is a sinner or not, I don't know. One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see!'"
-John 9:25 (NIV)

An afterthought just came to me after writing this. If you're on your death bed or breathing your final breath, would you be brave enough to say you lived and not just existed? Moreover, would you be brave enough to confidently face your Creator knowing you lived for others and not just for your self? Just a thought.

I might act like I don't care
but underneath what I wear
I'm an utter fool for you
I'd bend over backwords
to make your dreams come true
and it's all because I love you
I'm sorry if sometimes I seem
a little distant-
it's mostly because I'm trying
my best to be more realistic
and give you the space
that you say you'll take
I just don't want to make a mistake
and cause either of our hearts to break
sometimes it can be tricky-
controlling my feelings
because I can get clingy
there is a side of me,
that you have yet to see
please, no matter what
do not abandon me..
because I have feelings for you.

It should never have started
I know
As well as anyone
That it shouldn't

But this
I can guarantee;
Whenever they say
"Do not..."
I'll be the first in line
To do just the opposite

Beneath it all
Though I know my mistake
It doesn't mean
I regret
A single moment

Perhaps
It should never have started

Doesn't mean
It should have to end

So much to put down words come so fast they miss the page. Fingers fly to record overwhelming inspirations stalled mid stroke, concepts lacking a voice fall short of their purpose. An onset of perspectives require clarity and eloquence. With no existence other than silent sparks of thought, no value or construct, fleeting points of wisdom seem lacking. Efforts aren't taken or even considered. So full of insight unwittingly led to expression meets a void so consuming all hopes for preservation of thought disintegrate. Then existence never allowed to form so far gone only now recorded, yet existing in limbo--trapped for the period of space concurrently existing in the vacuum of my conscious mind.

Nothing haunts us like the things we didn't do or the things we didn't say...

I wanted to write a letter to my best friend, and realized I don't really have one. You know, that someone you've known all your life, someone you share your hopes, fears, secrets, and dreams with. Someone who knows and understands the real you, and accepts you for who you are. Someone you trust with your life... Well, I don't have that, although you are the closest one I have to that.

Remember the first time we talked? You were confident and brash. I was awkward and shy... I thought (and I still do) that you're the funniest, most interesting, and most genuine person I've ever met. As the years went by, the jokes we shared became second nature to me. But I always get this feeling that there are parts of you that are kept hidden and unreachable. I'm quite sure you've thought the same of me. Other times, when I am fortunate, you let me see a different side of you, I get a glimpse of just how brilliant you are... It takes my breath away and my heart constricts painfully.

There's a doubtful, insecure, and hurting side of me that I struggle to control, for fear of appearing weak and needy. I always felt that I was never good enough, for you or for anyone else. I'm a mess of self hate and dark thoughts, and I have to battle my demons each day. I do know that you try to help me overcome the things that I deal with... I want to heal, to be compassionate, forgiving, kind, and strong in spirit. I want to be brave and fearless, to venture to know every aspect of you. I want to be able to take risks, even accept being vulnerable. If only I'd stop hiding behind secrets and things I don't say, then maybe, just maybe, we could have a deeper sense of friendship that we crave from each other.

Sometimes I want to cry. Not the silent and controlled tears, but loud and unrestrained sobbing. I want to let out all the pent up pain and grief and rage inside. I want to cry for myself and for others, for the tragic and ugly things humanity has to suffer through. I want to cry until I've let everything out, until I'm spent and empty, ready to be filled again.

Other times I turn to you. For comfort, for reassurance, for a distraction. I hope dealing with me isn't too much of a burden for you. And selfish person that I am, I don't think I've ever done the same for you. I can be oblivious and dense at times. The other half, I don't want to overstep the boundaries we've set up. I wouldn't want to set your world on fire, even if I was being burned alive. But it doesn't mean that I don't care. On the contrary, you are so important to me that I am afraid of ruining whatever this is that we have. You'd tell me if you need me, right? Please know that if you call, I'd do everything in my power to be with you and anything I can to help you.

Still there are other times when I lie awake in bed in the wee hours of the morning when I wonder what it would be like to fall asleep in your arms...

I know that I'm lost and searching, and God knows when I will be at peace with myself, but I'm trying. I won't hope, because hope is a passive-aggressive son of a barnacle. Everything is amplified a thousandfold when hope is shattered and I'm left feeling alone and wretched, to pick up  the pieces. Instead I will believe, because believing will drive me further that hope ever could. It tethers me to something real, so I can wander but not get lost... That's the beauty of faith and belief, I guess. It gives me a sense of purpose, a direction. So I will hold on to my last scraps of strength with my whole being and believe. My life may be tough, but I'm tougher.

Please be patient with me, my darling.
Know that in a sea of people, my eyes will always look for yours.