My broken heart,
your hands breaking.
The dark depths of my mind,
your hope sinking.
My reckless love
And your constant flinching...away

I'm supposed to be the one with the torn apart soul.
But you're the one who's all hands and no hold.

You like my head on your chest and your hand on my thigh
But when I speak of love,
all of a sudden you're shy.

You're all promise but no keep
And I'm all love and no sleep

And I forgive you,
Boy who promised me endless tomorrow's
And a lifetimes supply of love
But then left my heart, cold and abandoned
more than once.

I forgive you, best friend who said she would stay by my side no matter what,  
And left me sobbing and alone                    in a pool of my own *****.

I forgive you, mother who loves me with the world but can never seem to notice the way my cheeks are always tear stained and how I haven't eaten for a week.

Father, I forgive you for telling me home is always a safe place but making me feel like an imposter in my own home every time I enter the room;
Just because my grades didn't meet your standards.

I forgive you, kind sister who sometimes forgets that I just need a pair of arms to crawl into when I'm lonely and not
Disapproving looks and judge mental comments.

But most of all, I forgive you, sweet girl in the mirror.
Bright smile, brown skin, hateful glare.
I forgive you for not loving yourself enough
And thinking that you're never good enough.
I love you, okay?
And I forgive you for sometimes forgetting that.

I've let it all out.
And now all our memories
Are spilled all over the bathroom floor
In the form of teardrops and empty bottles.
Lost inside my sheets
And the crevices of my pillow.
Etched into my clothes in the form of cigarette burns and tear stains.
Caught between my teeth
When I tried to empty my stomach
Hoping my heart would pour out too.
Stuck underneath my fingernails trying to scratch your touch off my left arm where you touched me last.
I've wept and screamed and smoked my tired little heart to nothing but a vacant space longing to be occupied.
I've tried filling it with friends and books and writing poetry till my fingers bleed.
But an empty room
Is always an empty room
When you're not in it.

You deserve to hear those words and believe them with every piece of your torn apart heart. You need to hear these words and nothing less. You don't deserve maybes and someone who doesn't know what they want. It needs to become a rule to believe these words and not something to laugh off.

You deserve to hear someone say, 'I'm not going to hurt you.'

And you have to be able to trust them. You deserve a chance to believe them. And what those who left gave you was not love. Because love is giving as well as receiving and you have to open your eyes when looking back on the past and see how empty they made you from taking and taking and taking all your love and leaving you with so little. But take your bent and battered heart that's far from broken and allow yourself to fall in love again. Because after all the tears and pains in your chest that felt like trying to swallow broken glass, you deserve to be happy. Don't rely on someone new to fix you - fix yourself. You deserve to know and be so sure of the fact that you don't need someone's hand to hold in order to be happy. You deserve to find love again and never have to look back and wonder what you did wrong. They were wrong and they never loved you. You are lucky, you have not lost anything. They didn't love you. You loved them with everything you had and that is their loss. You have so much more to find and its waiting for you just around the corner. But you can't look back, stop looking back. You deserve to open new doors, shut the old ones and swallow the keys. They'll always live deep inside you, but they won't matter anymore. They don't deserve to matter to you anymore.

This is fake so so fake. All these drugs man they're messing with my mind. It's kinda like I'm ok but I keep feeling like I'm on another planet. Really spaced out? Messing with my head my head are you okay (no) ok well I'm just saying you need to pull yourself together I don't really care about myself right now. I know I'm breaking my body and my brain thinks it's getting better but it's the euphoria. It tricks you. Everything is always ok okay for like an hour. Then it all gets terrible again. Fake. Without antidepressants for four days I thought I was going to burst into tears every 5 minutes. Also the pills' happiness is not real. So fake again. You trick your sad little brain into thinking you're happy. But deep down you can almost feel the darkness inside you getting crushed with this concocted 'medicine.'

So you are content and you're 'happy' but deep in your heart you know your sadness still lives inside you. Pushed into a cell, bolted, until it grows too big and breaks the walls down. So go get your dosage upped and sit in class with your head in your hands and know that there's nothing wrong with you girl. There's nothing wrong with writing poems late at night and crying over people you've lost. You are a forest fire among dimly lit matches. Just because your brain is sick and no one can physically see the bruises doesn't make it invalid. But it is there, always. It cannot be destroyed, only tainted. I know you love harder than everyone else some people aren't used to that kind of love, they can't handle it. I know you still believe and trust every single person you meet. That is your best and worst quality. They're scared of the way you care too much and don't think for a second that the fault lies in you.

I can tell whether I'm interested in someone by the number of positive adjectives I can describe them by after speaking for the first time. I met you for the first time 4 months ago and we spoke for roughly an hour. By the time I got home I had thought of at least 30 adjectives and by the next morning, another 14. I thought maybe that was just my way and that I try to focus on the good in people and don't even acknowledge the negatives. After all, I spend my nights writing poetry and prose and whatever the hell else my mind can't hold in any longer. But then I realized, it wasn't me being poetic or even a poor judgement of bad character. Because, last night I met a boy whose eyes lit up when he looked at me and he didn't stop telling me how pretty I was. He smiled and laughed at everything I said and seemed ready to do almost anything for me. But after 4 hours with him, I drove home in silence. The only word I could come up with to describe him was 'nice' and that's when I realized that I wasn't listening when he spoke to me and I wasn't paying attention to the way he looked at me. I was preoccupied with memories of you and how I never had to try at all. We saw each other and seemed to pick up where we left off, perhaps from another lifetime. How easy it was to just take you in and have you hold me like you'd known me for years. My mind hasn't shut up about you since we met and I'm having a very hard time believing that the 'right person' is still out there waiting for me when you made it clear you don't want me anymore. And I can't imagine anyone feeling more right than you did.