When you have those mornings
when you wake up and
you can't
love yourself,

I will love you.

When you have those afternoons where you cannot
hold
yourself
together,

I will hold you.

And when you have those nights where your thoughts take over
and they won't
go
away,
I will stay with you 'till the morning

And I
will
love you
all
over
again.

Someday, I will smile a genuine a smile,
A smile that will be pure, true and heartfelt.
I will wear it and travel miles and miles,
Wear off those in the past I felt.

Someday, I will be truly honest,
I will tell you how I really am.
That if back then you saw me at my ‘best,’
You’ll know I’m not really ******.

Someday, I will stop my hypocrisy,
And save myself from being a casualty.
Someday, I will be happy.
Someday, I will truly be happy

My body aches
Because I miss you like the sands miss the kiss if the waves
I miss you like the horizon misses the sun every morning
I miss you so much that I can't function
I feel like I'm going through withdrawal
And my skin crawls for the taste of your lips
I miss you
But I know that's not enough to win you back

If the love you have manifested was/is real,
it will continue to linger; it never goes away.
It's a beautiful and powerful force.
Like an eye of a super cell storm,
Let it continue to engulf me,
Soak me in your chaos; I am patient.

i've had the same question for days,
and i most definitely am not gonna ask you
this was always about myself
you're gonna scream you never knew
but the only thing worse than not knowing
is you thinking that i don't know.

maybe,
loving you was a reflex
and you never broke me
it always took just a second
for me to crumble down in your hands.

maybe it was never your hands after all.

buzz, buzz, buzz
did i ever love you
or were you an escape?
did i ever love you
or were your name just drops of ink
i needed to fill this crumpled journal.

Hello, I know it's way too late but can I call you dad?
  It hits me when someone mentions your name and I feel the need of that rare hug of yours that could bring the dead back to life, ironically..
I miss you terribly, I can hear you laughing at me right while I'm writing you this, you would laugh that laugh of yours when one of your siblings make a really bad joke, or when your mother hints about how cigarettes are bad for you and that you should quit smoking. I'm sorry, I got drifted away, God I miss that awful laugh so much. Back to the point, you would make fun of this and I would hate it and you'd laugh that laugh and I would hate it, you'd keep the letter and I would hate it as much as I hate that you will never read this or laugh that laugh ever again. I miss you. Your memory is dragging me down again, I wish for a single day with you, just one day where I can tell you "I love you" for the first and last time, where I  thank you for making me the person I am. I'm trying my best to be the good girl you've always told me is hiding somewhere inside me, I don't think she's completely there anymore, just one day of brilliant random advises and lousy little talks about anything and everything that doesn't actually matter, just one more kiss upon your brow, just one last back pat or one last smile, one last hug, one last failed attempt to show you that I do love you, I swear to God that I regret nothing more than taking you for granted, nothing more than not showing you how much you mean to me or for realizing it a little bit too late. I hope you're where we pray to be, I hope God is showering you with more of what you've blessed us with, I hope you're happy, I hope you're happy, I hope you are happy. I miss you. I miss you terribly. Sometimes it feels like I don't have the right to say that I miss you out loud since I've never showed that I could when  you were here when everyone else did, so now everyone has the right to grieve for losing you and not being capable of showing it to you anymore, but they don't understand that  never saying or showing what they have can be way more horrible, and they wouldn't give me the chance to tell them that. I don't have the right to say it or to love you any more than they do, because I didn't when you were here, I'm sorry I didn't. I didn't know how to show it, you didn't teach me how to show it, teach me how to show it! Teach me all the things you didn't for thinking I wouldn't listen, I would've! I'm sorry I'm late. I know I'm late. I'm trying not to be late, always trying in everything, for you. I know it's late for that too but it helps with the guilt I guess.
I am emtionlly paralyzed by the thought of losing you forever.
I keep your advises close to my heart, I'll keep the memory of your beautiful mind and your pretty fake smile even closer and I bet these small thoughts are what will  keep me going, I'll be always proud of knowing someone like you. I shall grow on loving you even if it wouldn't do anyone any good, I shall pass the love you gave me to those whom deserve it. And those who don't, it's enough for all.
You will always have the biggest piece of my heart. Don't laugh at this, this is not a joke and it's okay not to laugh about it, I'll be embarrassed anyway, but it's okay. God bless your splendid soul.
Goodbye? Seems ironic as well. Goodbye.

There's something inexplicable
about the way
they make you feel




nothing.

Happiness is fleeting
but
you are your own mistake
you keep repeating.

one of these nights
might turn out right
if you keep your mouth shut
like the door you're always
finding yourself behind
with your back against the wood,
muscles tensing
as you knew they would.


Nose bleeding-
when is the last time you ate?
It took you an hour to get ready but
no one can see all your hard work
in the shade.

"baby, you look great"
is all you wanted to grace you ears
but you've got too much on your plate
and there are only couples here.

They will pay you no mind
and you will begin to feel
you might have been left behind.

you pretend you aren't hungry
because it seems more grungy.
cigarettes will stain your teeth
and smoke will spin circles at your feet
as you sway alone;

always hanging in the wings
you're looking for another drink
another triple shot
and you sink deeper into
the half-assed hope
that this will be a night
you forgot.

Just more meaningless crumbs
of these evening hours
accumulating into an unusable mass
of dried out nights

exaggerate another fight
you had with your mind-
what will you do when they call you out
for being lower than the grout
in the bathroom
baby face like you just came out of the womb
your knife is duller than
your conversation topic
you're a fake-
From a mile away can you be spotted.

Drained of inspiration
plagued by perpetual consternation
what will you sample next
on your way to a falsified elation.

Spending weeks away dragon chasing-
How long will you be on mental vacation?
They're growing impatient.

C.e.M. 12.21.2014