I used to bring prescription pills
to parents day
because I didn't think anyone
could tell the difference

What'd you call Christmas
without heat
in a house without power?
2007

My father swore that he'd
teach me how to ride a bike but
instead he introduced me
to his new baby girl
And every time we drive
past the hospital
my mother remindes me how much it cost to save my life
that one year
She doesn't have
to say that she wished I'd left
instead of him
She spent twenty one years
tucking my brother into bed
but it took her nine just to touch me

And when I finally had the courage
to tell my mother I was too afraid
to eat - she told me it's a blessing
That she spent most of her twenties
regurgitating flesh into paper bags
and that's how she got daddy
to stay

I haven't seen him in close to three years
but he calls sometimes
and we talk about the weather
I still remember the day he said goodbye
He said he'd come back
and we'd clean up that old bike from the shed
*I still walk home

Fat* was the first word people used
to describe me when I was a kid
And that didn't bother me much
until I found out it was supposed to

By the time I was fifteen
I knew what it was like to be clinically
overweight, underweight and obese
It was the year of menthol cigarettes
and baggy clothes
Hunching naked over a scale shrine
Mixing ***** with vitamin water,
complimenting each others thigh gaps
The year breakfast tastes like giving up
and the only time you feel pretty
is when you're hungry*
Not obsessed with being empty
but afraid of being full
Replacing meals with more practical hobbies
like planting flowers or fainting

And ever since I started evaporating,
girls that never spoke to me,
stopped in the hallway
and had the audacity to ask how
And when I told them I was sick,
they told me I was an inspiration
How could I not be in love with my illness?
My eating disorder was the most
interesting thing about me

But how lucky I am now to be boring
To look at a sandwich
and see just a sandwich
Not half an hour of sit ups
or two spent hugging the toilet
This is the year I find more productive
things to do than googling the amount
of sugar on the back of a
lick and stick postage stamp
The year the calculator in my head finally stops
The year that I eat when I'm hungry
without punishing myself
And I know that sounds stupid
but that **** is hard
If you're not recovering, you're dying

When people asked me what I wanted to be
when I grew up,
I said *skinny