Days like today I miss you the most
When it hurts inside and I have no one to talk to.
Today’s hard my anxieties  crippling
I can feel it in the core of my chest
Spreading outward to my fingertips,toes,even the ends of my hair
I considered ripping the strains from my head
But what does that accomplish?
Nothing but bald spots and more regrets  
The poisons already in my veins
We both know its a **** up in my head
Just a chemical **** up...
That's what I try and remind myself
On days like today...

I can fake a smile so perfect I can lie to your face
While at night I’m bleeding because I can’t seem to cry
Beautiful red tears contaminated with self hate
Press a little harder, bleed a little longer
Dizziness but no regret maybe this time it will end
Bottle it up hold it close then place it with the others
Close that door and forget the shame for a little while
Empty medication bottles litter my the bedroom floor
Just a reminder I’m really as ****** up as I think
Sitting there praying it will end a Strange calm returns
Clarity at last, Relax. Clean up I’m going to survive
This isn’t the first time, this won’t be the last
I’ve turned to a frightening, potentially deadly
Coping mechanism

Haunted by the memories of the days gone by
A family destroyed by addiction and lies
Nothing left but shadows and spider webs
Contact cut off by distance or by choice
Illness now makes me wish we were closer
Blaming myself for the time wasted between us
Even though no one is to shame
Things just turned out the way they did
Our paths were only meant to cross for moments
Please forgive me that I’m not broken over this
It’s hurting me more that I’m fighting to care
Understand it’s hard for me
You were Never there even though I tired
Cried so many tears because I didn’t understand
That it had nothing to do with me
Right now you’re fighting to stay alive
Tears have yet to find my eyes I’m scared
What happens if they never come?
Is this really the end?
Questions only time can tell while we wait
Destroying ourselves and self medicating
Ripped apart because we should have been close
Family should never be the cause of pain
Reasons for nightmares under clear skies
You always hurt the ones you love
Only because they care.......
Tonight.....I think I care....

Haunted dreams
Every night I fear sleep
Fighting myself to stay awake
They wait in the dark
Hide in the walls
Strange shapes unfamiliar forms
Grotesque figures
Nightmares
Awake to the panic
Screaming into the night
Tears, shaking, cold
Remind yourself
None of its real....
Dreams
God it seems so real
Curl back up
You need to sleep
Only hours left
Until the sun rises

I'm haunted
A few billion failures laid out before me
Winter freezes the landscape
Like heartbreak stops the blood from beating warm
We are drowning in false hope
Fake love and Lies
Nothings real anymore
Not even the cuts that mark your corpse
Mutilated attempts to make whatever it is inside stop
Maybe even to **** the pain
Clouds hide the sun
Even on the clearest day
We all struggle to survive in the wasteland
We have created
The future we leave to our children
If your useless forms continue to exist
Continue to survive...

I’ve never wanted anything more
Then to be lying next to you
Tonight I miss our embrace
Tangled together in a mess of sheets
Blankets weren’t needed to keep us warm
I could hear your heart beating in your chest
For a moment I believed it beat only for me
You could always protect me
From the demons in my head
While tonight I’m alone and the shadows creep in
I reach across the bed to where you used to be
Greeted only by the softness of the blanket
I long to fall asleep in your arms again
Shielded from the nightmares of my mind
Curl up with your sweater and close my eyes
Your here with me as long as I’m like this
Tears soak the material
I’m sorry I promise Ill wash it
But for now were together and that all that matters
Even if it’s all in my head
I miss you.....

Your memory is fading there’s nothing I can do
We noticed the little signs at first
Retelling the stories you had just told
The mind is a funny thing
I’m angry about all of this, I’m helpless
Watching you forget is killing me
Strong and proud you continue
Regardless of what happens
Even if you forget me completely
I will remind you everyday
You’re loved, you’re cared for
You won’t be forgotten

I’m not well tonight
Tears cloud my vision
A sobering thought crosses my mind
I deserve every moment
Tormented by something unseen
A substance in my veins
So unclean, infected...Undetectable
The only relief
Is hidden away, in plain sight
A sliver blade and simple cuts
Allow a feeling so
Beautiful and pure
For a moment, nothing else matters
Reality crashes back.....
There’s still a shame, which comes with it
Even after all these years
Fight the tears, fight the need
Loose at both...A vicious cycle
Continued until the familiar darkness takes me
Awake hours later confused and alone
The bloodstains tell me
Every unspoken word
Every haunting thought
Clean up and hide every ounce of evidence
That points to me breaking down
Not that anyone would care to look
Even if I could scream it out
There’s no one there to listen
I’m Alone....