Its 12:46 and I'm wondering if she's the one you're staying up late for. Does she fill your stomach with butterflies, like I did? Does her name sound so sweet it melts in your mouth when you say it? Does she graze your skin with her fingertips, like I did? Does the taste of her mouth get you drunk? Does she stare into your green eyes and melt into them, like I did? Does she point out when your lower lip trembles? Does she curl her fingers into yours, like I did? Do they fit just as perfectly? Does she kiss you deeply in the morning as she does in the night, like I did? Do her hips fit perfectly in your hands? Does she tell you how much you mean to her, like I did? Do you hesitate before saying it back? Does she smile at you from a distance, like I did? Does she bring you laughter even when she's gone? Does she love you as much as I did? Do you love her as you loved me?
Or did you never love me to begin with?...

You held my hand,
You gave me hope,
You said I'll never be alone.

You called me yours,
I called you mine.
Throughout time,
It became a lie.

She popped up,
Like a jack-in-the-box.
She took your hand,
She showed you her ways,
You left me for her.
Today was the day

I cried,
My eyes turned red,
I no longer can cry,
I feel dead.

You said forever,
I said it too,
But baby,
You knew the truth.

I fell in love,
I gave it my all.
But in the end,
I was always alone.

I'm sitting here thinking about you,
In a poets point of view anyways,
Thinking of how to write about you,
About the boy this sappy poet fell in love with,
About this insane feeling in the pit of my stomach that you have created,
But nothing really comes to mind,
And I realize I am completely mad,
I have finally lost it,
Every single word that normally would just roll off my tongue so gracefully,
Just kind of sits back,
It's driving me crazy,
I have so much to say,
But no sense of what is right and wrong to say,
The last thing I ever want to do is hurt your feelings,
I've decided to just shut the hell up,
And look at you in my poets point of view,
Because I guess that's what I do best,
And I've realized you are beautiful,
In every sense that someone could possibly be beautiful,
And I have realized that I am completely mad,
And that I have finally lost it

i miss you so much it hurts my whole body.
do you remember when we talked about going to seattle?
you said you liked the rain
and the fact that no one there would know you,
i just wanted to be wherever you were.
i was never afraid of the dark
when you talked about yours.
i still don't have words for what i felt
when you told me the only other number
you had saved in your phone apart from your mother's was mine.
i keep telling myself you're not allowed
to just exit and re-enter my life as you please,
but i leave the door unlocked,
so what does that make me?
the last "i love you" from the last time we spoke,
is still stuck to the roof of my mouth.
other lovers have tried to pry it out of me,
but the memory of you is like lockjaw.
i miss you so much it hurts my whole body.
do you remember the lizard you caught last summer?
you let me name him forrest.
if life is a box of chocolates,
there are pieces missing,
and whatever is left has gone stale.
i can't smoke cigarettes in my backyard anymore
without wondering where you are
or if you're smoking too.
i hope you're not drinking,
i know you hate what it does to you.
your secrets are still tucked between my ribs,
i will hold them safe and repeat them back to you
if you ever lose your way home.
i miss you so much it hurts my whole body.
do you remember when you told me
about the person you were afraid of becoming,
i said i wasn't scared,
and i told you i was proud of you?
i'm still proud of you.
i hope you're in school or at least keeping busy.
i hope you still make yourself laugh.
i miss you so much it hurts my whole body.
do you remember what movie we were watching
the night you got arrested?
i still can't finish it.
i am holding the place.
can we pick up where we left off?
can we stand up and wipe the dust off?
i never got to tell you why i only write in pen,
or why i can't sleep with socks on,
or about the day i caught god with his hands in a public fountain
fishing for change.
i'm not mad at you for disappearing, but i'm lonely.
the only reason i haven't called
is because i'm afraid of being sent straight to voicemail,
but if i ever find myself in indiana again,
you'll be the first to know.

- m.f.

Dying is certainly something scary, we don't know what comes after death, and most of us fear living because we "know" what's coming for us and that's scary, but truth is, we know nothing about living, we don't know what's happening two weeks from now, tomorrow, or even three hours from now, most of us never actually live because we are existing in fear of everything, but we are human, and fear is inevitable, we can't escape it, but the advice I have to offer you today, is to live, fear what we don't know, but have hope, because we are human and we all have hope, hope for a better tomorrow, and just keep on living until you decide you like what the next today brought you

Tonight I listened to a voicemail you left me three months ago. In it, you told me to go **** myself. I still remember that night. I still remember those words rolling off your tongue so gracefully. I remember wondering how someone so beautiful could be so cruel. Two months ago I called you at 2 AM. I expected you to ignore it or send me to voicemail; those were two of the things you were best at. You answered and I felt my heart begin to race; you probably thought it was because I missed you, but honestly, I just didn't expect you to answer, and because I really had to ***. I asked you how you were and you sat there quietly and confused. It was like you forgot I existed and that I was once part of your life. You told me "fine" and I smiled. That was the last conversation we had. I made sure to let go of you, and every negative word that was said, in a peaceful way. Fast forward two months; and I still wonder how you are. I still wonder how your dog is or if you've seen any good movies lately. If you heard me say this you'd probably blush like you used to whenever I said something sweet. You'd probably think that I think these things because I still love you. But that is not the case. You see, six months ago, I was jumping through hoops trying to please you. To make sure that you were happy before myself. To make sure that I was the one causing your happiness. But it is not six months ago. It is now. And now I simply remember you as a person I gave my soul to. A person I told secrets to at 4AM and ****** to feel a sense of closeness. But it is not six months ago. It is now. And now I miss you, I miss the way you would call randomly just to see how my day was. I miss the way you seemed to care, even if you didn't. I miss the friendship and the secrets and the stories. And maybe one day things will be different. Maybe you'll call me on a Tuesday afternoon to see how my day was. These are the things I think about before my eyes slowly close and I am finally rewarded with sleep. But for right now? Go **** yourself.

My love,
I do not like what I am feeling,
My soul is turning cold and dark my love,
My soul is turning into yours,
You do not know how many times I've tried to fight the darkness away,
And call out for help,
I tried running to you but I was too afraid.