I fall asleep and dream
But my emotions don't

I wake up and go back to sleep
Alone.

These wrists are unfinished,
Not torn
And not cut.
A slice here,
And a slice there,
Now decorated with blood.

you told me at a young age you would be there for me, love me. you lied you choose women over me, you wish you never had me. I remember  coming home from school to find you not there, you were at the bar you knew you could lose me did you care no the only thing that would make you happy is *** and captain Morgan.
you got your license suspend for too many OWI's  and you were out driving to some more beer and I see the lights flashing you said god fucken damit you told me to put my finger down throat and throw up I didn't understand at the why.you told the cop you were taking me to the hospital you lied.
you were a very Dysfunctional dad you had so many problems why didn't you just go to the doctor.
I remember you weren't your self that day sadder then usual later night you had scared me to death I was only six why would you put a gun up to you head and try to commit suicide.
I remember how strong you were ever time you  lost your chew you would go in to shock in beat me. you always thought I Stoll from you. I could go on and about all the other ******* up things you did but am not going to waste my time on a dead beat dad like you.
the only thing good I learned from is never to fall in love with a man like you.

I was sick of being a woman,
sick of the pain,
the irrelevant detail of ***,
my own concavity
uselessly hungering
and emptier whenever it was filled,
and filled finally
by its own emptiness,
seeking the garden of solitude
instead of men.

The white bed
in the green garden--
I looked forward
to sleeping alone
the way some long
for a lover.

Even when you arrived,
I tried to beat you
away with my sadness,
my cynical seductions,
and my trick of
turning a slave
into a master.

And all because
you made
my fingertips ache
and my eyes cross
in passion
that did not know its own name.

Bear, beast, lover
of the book of my body,
you turned my pages
and discovered
what was there
to be written
on the other side.

And now
I am blank
for you,
a tabula rasa
ready to be printed
with letters
in an undiscovered language
by the great press
of our love.

every sad thought the girl contained,
she took it out on herself
trying to find some "painkiller"
she turned to self harm
and never looked back



l.c.b.

Dad
You've been good to me
But I feel like nothing
Because you made me nothing when I was your puppet, when you tried to live your life through me

Dad
You're an ex-marine
But I didn't know that they taught marines
How to call their 4 year old children "babies", when asking you curious questions, when you said to shut up

Dad
You've been a police officer for 20 years
But I didn't know they taught police officers
How to tell their 14 year old boys they had a "distorted view of reality"

Dad
I still remember when you threw mom against the closet door
She showed me the bruise on her breast that was as big as a softball
I remember the fights you guys had and how you kicked the wall and stormed off in your car

Dad
I was like 4 years old when this happened, I could barely see over the window sill in our living room
But I can still remember exactly how it looked when you backed out and sped down the street
"Where's oppa going?", I asked my korean mother... ...all she did was throw me down and beat my bottom...

Dad
I was a sensitive child and believe it or not
Even though you and mom tried your best ...you didn't prepare me
You didn't prepare me to handle things...

To handle the kids who would push me around because I was smaller
To handle the other kids who pushed me because my face and skin looked different
To handle every time kids asked me if I knew karate when I was an innocent little 5 year old
To handle being spit on by any one of those kids
To handle love and relationships because you didn't teach me what love really was

To be able to deal with problems in life without freaking out or blaming myself, like when you would throw me in the floor or spank me until I peed my pants...

To be able to love the girl I wanted to spend my life with because even though I decided that I wouldn't do the kinds of things you did...I've ever known in life is what not to do, and when I tried something new, they were only slight variations of everything you did and now she's not coming back

I've ****** up my life now and you're finally mellowing out...
I wish you'd done so 18 years ago

Or maybe not been around