to be desired but never valued or loved all the way through.
chronicles of a girl who's never number one but always number two.
half loved by those she puts above everything.
always left on the sideline for the more favorable option.
she's been through it all and still fights to love everyone the same.
she sees through everyone's flaws and faults but they can never seem to do the same for her.
perhaps it's the quality of people she been loving on.
people that, in fact, don't love her but they love how she loves them.
people that can only handle the idea of her but not the reality..
she's a paradox.
she's gentle yet tough.
she is chaos yet she is peace.
she'll set you crazy but she'll also keep you sane.
she's fire and ice.
an angel with demons.
night and day.
she is me and I am her.
everything, nothing, all at once & not at all.

needing you, wanting you.
what’s it gonna take to get over you?
why you make it so hard to move on from you?
why I gotta fight to take my heart from you?
you know **** well it don’t belong to you..
it can’t belong to you.
we both know why, but everyday these feelings are getting harder to deny.
this thing goes deep & I don’t wanna hide.
the only thing I wanna be is by your side.
but you already have your baby.
so maybe it’s only me going crazy.
promised I would never leave you.
I mean, how could I deny you?
my homie & my best friend,
down to ride to the very end.
I feel like we’re Sean & Jhené;  destined to be together some day.
but if I’m wrong, I pray these intimate feelings go away.
because maybe we’re Pac & Jada; it’ll never be goodbye but always see you later.
because if I’m bound to be your friend for the rest of eternity,
then I promise to love you forever platonically and passionately.

this is for the babies that never got to grow.
and for some reason, i'm glad this life is something they never got to know.
this is for the orphans, this is for the kids who'd rather be laid up in coffins.
this is for the stressed and depressed.
this is for every soul crying out in distress.
this is for the **** victims who spend their nights crying in their sheets.
and this is ******* to those ****** who heard no but still thought they could beat.
this is for the brokenhearted who think their lives are over.
i pray that one day you can find your closure.
this is for the blacks that lay slain in the streets.
senseless violence, my heart cries out for peace.
this is for my loved one that cancer took away..
rest in peace Raphy, I miss you every day..

dear stereotypical people,
you make me sick.
i mean, who are you to tell me what i can and can't do because i don't have a ****?
why do you think that this is a rap? is it because i'm black?
because i live on an island, i must be wild and uncouth?
and whenever i speak my mind, i'm another rebellious youth?
dear stereotypical people,
you see my glasses and call me a nerd?
and make fun of me because I know of words you've never heard?
oh i'm sorry, that i took my education seriously.
and i swear if another person says 'girl you're so tall, you have to play ball.'
i'm gonna run head first into a gaddamn wall.
dear stereotypical people,
why do you trust the white man in a suit but not the black man in the hoodie?
is it because he looks cleans and exudes goodie goodie?
dear stereotypical people,
please mind your business
which i'm pretty sure doesn't include how that teenage mom and her child are living.
dear stereotypical people,
why do women that are open about *** make you wanna run away?
i mean, i'm pretty sure it shouldn't matter what she does with her body unless she's your wife
my God, why can't y'all let people live their lives?
dear straight men that lust over gay women,
NO WE DONT WANT TO ******* WITH YOU
**** it, we like the same thing you do!
dear people of the world,
yes I live in the Bahamas
no I do not live in a hut, eat coconuts and go on the beach every day.
dear stereotypical people,
i promise i don't hate you
i do hate how you look down upon people that live differently from you, that see differently from you, that think differently from you.
i would hope that you know that this world does not revolve around you, no one will stop being who they are because of you.
don't get me wrong, some people hurt because of what you do.
just think about how you would feel if it were you.
my prayer is only that you think before you say.
and maybe one day, you'll all see the error in your ways.

dear God,
I know you get tired of the way I make these promises to change..
but God, I swear my sins are the only things that numb my pain..
sometimes I feel like you don't hear me though..
I mean, I be calling you and you don't even say 'hello'.
so reaching out seems futile to me.
cause at the end of it all, I still feel like nobody.
so I end up with some ***** that's not worth it in my draws.
or I end up throwing liquor back to hear people's applause.
I know you hear me some nights, sobbing uncontrollably.
because I wish.. I wish I didn't let the devil get a hold of me.
so hard to do good, so easy to do evil.
tryna right my wrongs before the chance is all gone..
all my life in church and Satan still got in.
and to be honest, I'M SCARED I CAN'T STOP HIM.
my momma always told me not to play with demons..
somebody wake me up PLEASE, I swear I'm dreaming.
blade to my wrist, I won't stop the bleeding..
but God, I know you hear me.. I know you see me pleading.
at this point, i just need something to believe in.

people say to me so often,
"you're so strong."
"I don't know how you deal."
"I couldn't handle that."

but do you know why I'm "so strong"?
it's because I've always had to fight.
it's because every horrible thing that I have ever been through made me this way.
it's because every time I've been ******* over, left for dead, dissed and forgotten.. I got up, brushed myself off and kept it moving.
it's because I believed in brighter days and overcoming the obstacles that life threw at me to get there.

but don't get the wrong idea.
i've broken down so many times, you couldn't fathom.
wanted to end my life so many times, you can't imagine.
so please don't doubt..
that I've never been weak.
never been brought to my knees.
begging God to help me please.

i've been through it.
the whole 'why me, why here, why now'.
but I've learned that you don't question the process because later is greater.
you don't fight the process, just have faith in the Creator.
you gotta trust the process so you can see the progress.

And I've heard that whatever a man thinks he is, so shall he be.

Therefore,

I am..
Powerful.
I am..
Courageous.
I am..
Wise.
I am..
Lionhearted.
I am...
Strength.

[r.r.r.w]

for every tear I shed that you didn't cause but helped to wipe away.
for every laugh I had that you made happen because you know it'd make my day.
for every apology you've given when you did nothing wrong.
for every time you've kissed my face, my neck, my lips to make me weak.
for every promise you've made and never broken.
for every wise word you've said to help me with my problems.
for every time you swore you'd **** anyone that ever hurt me.
for every time you've listened to my annoying and random stories with attentiveness.
for every song you've ever sung to me to melt my heart.
for every smile you gave and made to brighten my day.
for every hug and every time you held me close to make this love last.
for every time you've ever said the words I love you to me because I know you meant them..
for you, I am grateful.
to you, I am indebted.
for you, I don't mind.

and so to you, I love you.

[r.r.r.w]