i remember when thinking about the future
meant thinking about what class i had tomorrow
and dreading it, the sick sunday feeling
time goes on; weeks turn into months then years
i meet you
you handed me the blue prints of a future so fine
i imagined the wildest places that we could see
the endless possibilities that we had
of things to do, unrealistic or not
i didn't care if i was saving the world or staying in bed all day
the future was so exciting and yet so futile to me
once i was with you
you disappeared
now all i think about is the future
what i will do, how i will live, who i can share it with
but i don't want a future anymore
not because i don't have you to share it with
but because at twenty two years of age
i've seen things, felt things
that leave a pain like pressure on impact
bursting blood vessels as it bruises
if the future holds this much pain and more
i don't want to open my eyes again
the beauty i see every day isn't worth the pain we go through
to live, survive, or fall in love

Dearest Juan,

How ya been, kid?
The Big Man Upstairs treating you well?
I hope so.
--
First off, a big thanks to your parents.
It was kind of them to go to the counselor about my note to you.
I know they had the best intentions at heart.
--
I actually saw your family at church on Sunday.
They looked alright...
No, I'm totally lying.
They still look wrecked.
It's only been two weeks, right?
It's obviously been a rough time for them...
Your younger siblings looked weak.
Your older sister looked thinner.
Your parents looked haunted.
I cried when I saw them walking up the aisle.
Wonder if they realized that the song being played at mass was
one that was played at your funeral...
--
Everyone at school is still thinking of you, ya know.
I see you in the blank faces of your friends.
They cringe every time they walk into Freeman's classroom.
They never stay long.
Guess it makes them think of you.
--
I'm gonna say goodbye now, Juan.
Just wrote this to get some thoughts out.
Take care of yourself.
Watch over your family.
Tell John Lennon that Leigh Fresina said, "You're a swine".

See ya, kid.

**
Leigh

Last night I dreamt of kissing your soft supple lips,
And feeling their smooth dips under my wanting finger tips,
While you grabbed me by the curves of my hips,
Last night I dreamt of our polished bodies intertwined,
And slowly claiming your whole body as mine,
Oh baby, the things I would do to you,
If you would ever allow me to.