i can’t control
when people leave.

i can’t control
whether he’ll love me.

i can’t control
who lives or dies.

i can’t control
their opinions.

i can’t control.

but I can control my body.

I can control my calories.

I can decide when to stop.

I can decide whether I live or die.

I am the only one
who has that control.

It starts with a slip,
A turn of the cheek.
Simply forgetting to fit,
A meal for your body to keep.

You see, at this point,
It isn’t really starving.
For I forget only when I’m not hungry.
But the problem is,
I’m so used to being hungry
That I can’t tell the difference.

I thought I was better,
Until my boyfriend asked why he’s never seen me eat.
Until I was asked when the last time I ate was.
Until I faint, and I’m reminded to eat.

But now when I eat,
I have an Apple.
But I get sick,
Because it was too much food.

I can’t keep anything down,
So I have no choice but to not eat.

And so the cycle repeats.

The siren.
Inviting,
Promising.
Ensuring happiness.
Guaranteeing joy.
Not until she traps you do you wish escape.
Not from what she promised, but from the pain she brought you.
But you've made a home for yourself here.
You've gotten comfortable in the habits she's given you.
But every time she comes to visit, something in your gut screams at you to escape.
No, literally. Your gut. Your stomach. Your intestines.
Your entire body becomes exhausted from chasing her promises.
Now, you've forgotten who you were before she trapped you.
You try and try for what feels like years to escape.
And finally you succeed.
You've successfully escaped the place you call home.
After time and time of being lured back to home, I've come to learn this sirens name.
She is what she does to people. To me.
Forces me to control what I eat.
Makes me second guess myself.
Track everything I eat and drink.
Make me guilty for eating something she doesn't like.
I won't bore you with more boringly grim details, just know,
She has sisters.
Please, don't make the mistake of trusting their promises.

im sorry

im sorry for the bottles of emotion ive kept hidden

im sorry for forgetting to call

im sorry for scaring you when darkness found me again

im sorry for always being too late, never too early, nor on time

im sorry I had to leave my shell behind

im sorry i can’t be strong for you. that i can’t stop relapsing.

im sorry
im sorry

i don’t know what to do,
my mind won’t hold itself together.

i can’t numb myself,
that’s been done for me.

i can’t feel,
i’ve lost the bottle i’ve stored it all in.

i can’t picture where i’ll be in 3 years,
probably reborn again.

i’ve given up on reaching out for help,
it’s not like it’s worked before.

i genuinely cannot bring myself to want to stay,
instead i walk through my day in shame.

when will i feel?
when will i live?
when will i feel alive?

hollow vase
empty soul
late cares
promises forgotten
mind a blank
everlasting void

In just a moment
From a movie
To a panic
From wishing for nothing but you
To fearing you
That’s how it goes

lightheaded and weary,
we wander each other.
passionate and impatient,
we wait.