I was just a kid
It was first grade
I knew we were at war
Saw it on the news
We stood a lot longer in the mornings now
We always said the pledge
But now we sang
"Proud to Be An American"
Every day for about a month
I really liked singing it
Once I got in trouble because I was walking down the hall back to class when it was on
I was told I should have stopped until it was over
Chris and I used to make Scud and Patriot missiles during indoor recess with our Legos
We did our part
I hurt my eye one day and had to wear a patch
I had to stay inside and play a game with Mr. K
"Do you want to play Scud Missiles?" I asked
He looked at me with an eyebrow arched
smirked a little bit and said
"How about we play checkers instead?"

Why count sheep
when you can count shoes
Think about it
Next time you are having
trouble falling into the abyss of the night
Try to go back and think about
every pair of shoes you ever owned
maybe even in chronological order
The good sleep will come

Laying here on the cusp of sleep
I am visited by visions of the young man I once was
What happened to that beautiful boy?
I miss that overwhelming positivity
the naive idealism
the undying spirituality
he was fearless in many ways
I am not that old but that boy is
a million miles away
and all that's left is me
in my body's shell that has gone hard and stale.  
I could learn from his example
But I survive better now...

Rainy days and Mondays
Piloting my car like a
river boat captain
on a shiny Mississippi
It is morning but still dark
an eye dropper of blue has
been added to the sky
and what was once black
has now slowly spread to purple
A purple macchiato in the atmosphere

I pass by a convenient store
It looks like an oasis in the dark rain
Soft blue lights reflecting on wet asphalt, illuminated marquee
an old cinematographer trick  

This is my time
This is where I live
This is me.
My true self
before,
I am stained by work

Wading through a passive aggressive retort
With a fever coming on, voice horse
Knowing that you are falling ill
Work like a fist in the stomach against your will
Tapping out a code of morse to a time before the workforce

I want to burn
More than anything
I need to feel and fuel
My own fire that
I know is my core
Ignite me
So I can ignite you
Watch it spread
I promise
You will enjoy it
I want to burn

I remember that summer
He covered everything
Windows
Walls
Buildings
Phone Booths (when they were just about extinct)
The sign above constitution avenue
Water fountains
He could be found next to **** Smoothie and
Cool "Disco" Dan on the red line near Takoma
Bush hates BORF

He was caught though

July 29

BORF covered everything
Adulthood
Consumerism
Hip Hop
Suicide
Laws
Politics
Obama hates BORF

Borf loved to write on people's stuff
A lot
Grown ups are obsolete
Sorry about your wall
BORFs friends live on
BORF was here
And left after writing this...

Careful, careful now
Step lively and often
Beware because
Crave
Is awfully close
to craven

There is something wrong
I don't know why but when
I find a mirror it becomes clear
as I become distorted
My face slowly falls apart
blood oozes out as my nose falls off
My cheek is gone and exposes
Damaged teeth held together by roofing
nails and plaster of Paris
The blood is heavier now
and my deterioration excellerates
Where did these wires and transisters
in my head come from?
I am pretty sure they were not there
before I went to bed.
I hang my mechanical zombie head
to the side...and bleed.
I wait patiently to be awake again.

Sometimes people need to be rescued
Well,
here I come.

Morning thoughts swirl under the last night's char
Slowly body comes alive from the coffee dark as tar
An exercise I do for my self
A creative act I do for my health
My heart I keep in a Five Star

No grin, frog lips
It's run, jump, punch
parta the apocalypse
Tired of being the
last ball in the hopper
Worth more than the
price of the copper

...now listen...

Jonzin for the days
Of Zee Emerald
and a loose tooth
**** is ephemeral
Like the era in a phone booth
Put a quarter up
E.T. Phone home
Kids today never had to
fear that dial tone...

Time does not exist
Or so I am told
An artificial instrument
created by man
As it turns
the Earth shrugs it's shoulders
She doesn't know what to think either

Time is not linear
That is what I hear
Everything has already happened
and is happening at the same time

So...wait.

I imagine it like one gigantic explosion
Our lives play out
Everything happens separately and at once
My ten year old self and my eighty year old self are one in the same
I have heard that

There are some people I wish I could talk to again
The ten year old smiles and continues the conversation
I sit here and think that if everything has happened and is happening all at the same time

Then

I am still having those conversations
with Living Ghosts

The Wire Tree
Walking through a dim lit wood
The far off scent of firewood and nosetalgia  
creeps up my back like an old Army Blanket
A shade appears before me
Without words I follow
Further and further
The translucent green shade leads on
I come to a great oak tree
A very old strand of barbed wire
appears to be melted into the tree
It is very dark now
the shade is gone
In these woods
Man's boundaries
Meet
Nature's patience

That spark came from within
Radiating outward
People could see
And return my smile
I was soft and happy
Like a wonderbread lunch

Time passes
Caught in quicksand
Sometimes wormholes
Head down back up
No time for lunch today
Life's drum beats on
I hear it
Oh do I hear it

My day starts in fifteen minutes
The drums are easy to hear
When your back is the bass
Sipping the last bit of coffee
I notice the toast on my plate
Burnt Toast
I give him a fraternal nod
I step out into the street and walk to work

Stop
I am tired of it
I don't need reasons:
1, 2, 3
Let alone
7, 8, 9
Your bad behavior
is your bad behavior
No more rationalizing
**** your personality
if it's going to be like that
I am done
Own your faults
shut your mouth
and maybe, just maybe
Overcome them.

I know you are brave

Those eyes
Like cups of black coffee
I cannot tell were the iris stops and the
pupil begins
Windows to your soul
and you are a mystery

That's ok
Because I am a detective.

Lately I feel a lot like Lew Welch
In more ways than one
Thinking about it depresses me
The Beats seemingly forgotten son
But I know once you read his poetry
In your soul forever it will seep
You can take it with you
And from with in find your strength
So that one day you won't be gone
With out a trace...
Leaving only your jeep
Loved ones forever left to wonder

Tonight when I get home
I think I will read Ring of Bone

Existential Detective
Hanging from my neck
an inherited Saint Anthony
I find lost people
even when they are me

Been cooped up too long
Need to get back to what is good
Do it for others but also for self
Like Timmy Sommers said
"What do we know about partying
Or anything else?"

Make no mistake make no excuse
It's not your fault they are obtuse
Serenely synching your tie
Air cut about to die
You are not theirs to abuse

Where the **** were you
when the page was blank?

The observant person
will never cease to be
entertained

They stare
Too many of them do it
They look at you with their sideways
face.
They don't peer
They arn't peers
Lack all intuition
And empathy
"What?"
"Huh?"
With a plastered on smile
On their sideways face
I am done trying to explain
to the people frozen in their
permenant Dutch Angles
"Wait, what?"
You can stick your sideways face
up your sideways ***

Seeing you is my vacation
Unlocking the door to my room
Dim yellow bulbs will
Illuminate your tunic of
caribbean blue
Who needs a trip to the islands
When I have you?

Starving and searching for food
in the cupboard and freezer
If my pantry was in "Oregon Trail"
it would be meager

Sitting at the coffee shop
across from my labyrinth of
employment.
I could...I could do it.
I could walk to my car and just drive.
Keep driving.
Just disappear....

If I was brave.

I wasn't looking
for it
I did find it
Down
Down in the recesses of our Earth
My lamp shown enough light for us both

Glove in Glove
Rock by Rock

A love that is born in the absence of light is a mighty
Love after all.

Pulling her into the light of day
I knew we would be together

Gonna go back a few years
Back when clothes came from Sears
Nineties life revolved behind some handle bars
A few years away from driving cars
A few more from sipping at the bars
Trying with all our hearts to salvage
those moments of pretend
But the time is here for it to end I fear
Dennis and I prepare for one more neighborhood war
I raid the water balloons and paint ***** from my skivvy drawer
We go to Max's Video for a battle plan
Maybe some tips to take out a vampire clan
Step inside and see the back curtain
What's behind, we are not certain
Clerk is gone at a glance
Pull it back, take a chance
Please be kind
Press rewind
Leave your childhood behind

The trick is to make that first beautiful
hot sip of coffee last the whole day.

Do I act what I feel
or act how I am supposed to?

Open when closed
Closed when open
I am a drawbridge

I found an ember earlier
this morning.
It survived.
Everything that this
numb winter could throw.
Add some kindling, here
oxygen, there.
My hands, there we go...
I am starting to feel like
myself,
again.

He does his workload
That man is responsible
More will be given

Halloween
to me
will always
smell like
Chocolate
in a
Pillowcase

Chapped
Done
Shattered Bleeding
Broken
Slower to get up now
Cracking noises snapped prime delusions
Caught between, what?
A rock and a, no **** that
Sitting at a middling crossroads
Salt remnants in my beard
Maybe a new path can be attained
Walls punched, pillows confided in
Matches struck, lungs burn
Passions drowned in hops and barley
A professional crossroads
Sometimes the best teachers are broken people
Great leaders wear chain mail over a flawed guise
Hands down offer a leg up
Life as a shorty shouldn't be so rough
Changes can be made
Fat washed up
Walls repaired
Pillows cleaned
Reflection looks
Pony Boy Tuff
A mind can be made up
A new path begins with a rising sun
Spitting is a ***** habit
But I know a worse one

So.
You ****** up
You know it
But like anything else
it's what you do next that counts.

I fell in love with the whole Bay Area
SF
Monterey
Santa Cruz
Napa
Sonoma
Big Sur
I sit here still and I am stunned by it's beauty
It might be my favorite place on earth.

"Why don't you move there"
They ask.

For the same reason I keep certain people that interest me
at a distance.

Sometimes you don't want your illusion to be replaced
with the truth.

Sometimes it's better to let it live inside you and just visit.

Also never meet your heroes.


...just kidding. Try to meet them all.

Walking through a dim lit wood
The far off scent of firewood and nosetalgia  
creeps up my back like an old Army Blanket
A shade appears before me
Without words I follow
Further and further
The translucent green shade leads on
I come to a great oak tree
A very old strand of barbed wire
appears to be melted into the tree
It is very dark now
the shade is gone
In these woods
Man's boundaries
Meet
Nature's patience

We all have those moments that stay with us
Frozen in the  video screen that is our head
like a lost cable connection
The last frame stays with you

Once my life was a Better Than Ezra song
"I remember running through the wet grass,
falling a step behind"
I caught up to you
The grass was wet
The trickle of the run beside us
was our only audience
Under the gazebo
"Are you going to kiss me?"
She asked for the first time
Ever.
I answered her.

I heard that song a few days later
The moment is inseparable
Locked away in the time capsule
that is my heart

I was there
And I was patient
No judgements
I was listening
And you confided
I wish I could absorb your pain
Sometimes like a priest
Or a therapist
Or a soundman
The truth is
I cannot absorb your pain
Without adding some of my own

I will always try to help

But nobody is going to tell me how to feel.

Blank
Blank Yellow Pages
more than one
Green Lines of Loss
Blank
a message to the right
Duel-Pad
It is a duel pad
every step of the way
An internal fight that will only end when I finally pick up my pen

A Toast
Holding up a ***** gimlet
Told the bartender how to make it
Most will give you a look before rifling
Through the book

Their are really just two points of view
External Influence
And reality as you see it
I know a balance of both is closer to true
But sometimes the external leaves you
with a horrible feeling deep in your personal hells
You don't feel the way you should
Some people waste their time absorbing Everyone Else
I will take my chances and be more like Ed Wood

I will take another ***** Gimlet please.

Sitting here sipping away
at this blackest of coffee
I cannot help but think
that a glass of tequila might
serve me better today
Somebody should have a
Happy Hour
in the morning

America is a
bacon egg and cheese
sandwich

Some days it's musty
Especially after a summer rain
The yellowed steeple chase wall paper peels back in places
It's pretty big for an efficiency
One big room in the top floor
Cut out of an old faded yellow house
It is compartmentalized like a CIA agent
The bathroom is the color of rust
On rainy days the door jam swells
and the wood panelling in the walls heave
The textured ceiling in between
fake styrofoam wooden beams makes
Me feel like I am inhabiting my own cave
or cabin
Many people I know couldn't live like
I do
This is my home
This is my garret
Alone I write.

A smile that tastes like
Burt's Bees
You are welcome

It's the end of a long hard week
Nothing to do for the rest of this rainy evening
Sitting there I relax
My kitten decides to join
Sitting there,
purring
She expresses how I feel better than I can

It's true I am being paid
But it's not just for my time
They get much more than that
It wasn't till I pulled up
my driveway from an hour
and a half commute
that I realized I have
gone nearly a week without thinking
my own thoughts.
Yes I get a stipend for my time
But my mind has been hijacked

and I let them...

Do not fear it's form
Soft, dark dweller of the earth
Everyday reborn