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 Jan 2017 Jason Howell
You gave me a red rose
To symbolize your love for me.
You gave me a black rose
To symbolize that you are leaving me.

You went onto someone else
And left me in the past.
So, I am angry and coming for your

You were not my first mistake,
But you will be my last.
Many people have done this to me.
Now they are skulls locked in my closet.

Their skeletons grew
Because of the roses that were tossed in.
Their skeletons kept
As a reminder to everyone.

And up their femurs
Came the vines.
Round their ankles
Slept tired time.

In their sockets
Napped with hate,
And in the ribcages
Snored the love.

And as I threw
More roses in,
I wondered if loving the bones
Was a sin.
 Jan 2017 Jason Howell
 Jan 2017 Jason Howell
She was so lost and unsure, so broken, unpure.

Homeless bones in her body, a starving and aching soul

Her eyes so hollow from so much pride and pain forced to swallow

And a smile that just never fit, like an unhappy church wife quietly sitting at the dinner table, regretting everything

Her soul constantly searching through oceans, woods, and mountains

Looking for something, anything to find herself within. A butterfly caught in a jar, a wolf stuck in a cage. So utterly broken in so many ways.

Her spirit crushed but never truly destroyed, her crown bent but never broken. As she continued her search for her home, she knew she'd fine some way. Some peace, some of herself.

All alone.
She writes you letters,
poems, prose, thoughts of you.
Silent chatters
from her mind. She goes by Blue,
the same as one of her favourite female characters.

She's mostly quiet but talkative
with her favourite people.
Sometimes they say she's provocative
but it's only for humour to ripple.
It is what she wants to achieve.

She has her own list
of aesthetics. Leaves, solar system,
stars, sweaters, cold mist,
laurel, arrows, silver, crystal gem,
jawline, collarbones, veins on wrist.

She gets lost in her own world but senses
your presence. She loves hand holding
and hugs but if you touch her, she tenses
up. Once she's comfortable, she's very loving.
Sticks to you like a magnet, for instance.

She dreams of being loved, adorned
by someone special. However,
after numerous rejections, her heart was torn.
She then pulled herself together.
Loving herself, she moved on.

She loves helping people out.
Always being nice, giving encouragement.
Won't let people feel a shadow of doubt
when she showers them in compliments.
They call her a positive broccoli, she sprouts.

 Dec 2016 Jason Howell
when you care too much it breaks you, shatters you into a billion tiny pieces like glass, you hit the floor too hard too fast and you explode, the world, millions of sparkling fragments come crashing down around you, slicing you to ribbons because thats what glass does, it cuts, and if you thought that just because you cared you were bullet proof you thought wrong, glass is never bullet proof, not even the kind that comes with a label and says it is, its a lie, its always a lie because when you care too much, try too hard, try so hard it hurts, you fall too hard, too fast, its too much and you shatter like previously bullet proof glass, you are out of the game and done playing the game because it doesn’t matter anymore, nothing matters anymore, its all one loop over and over and over, live die, repeat, live, die, repeat and oh if only you could reach the end, what satisfaction you would glean, what dreams might you escape, what people you might outrun, glass is exactly like humans, it reflects exactly who we are eventually no matter how much you warp it, no matter how much you bend its surface it reflects the true self back and then when you suddenly decide to show that side, boom, there I go, falling too fast too hard too much not slowing never slowing too much too fast too hard too caring too trying too much too fast too hard falling is like dying except slower, much much slower, and when I land, don’t worry you’ll be the first to know
Just now, a friend of mine, a best friend actually, well previous best friend of 12 and a half years just sent me an appalling, brutal, horrible message today basically saying i'm no good anymore, that we're done, that she doesn't even know why i tried to reach out to her when it's clear she wants nothing to do with me, **** it up she's moved on, she wants nothing more to do with me... that kind of gist. Best friend of 12 and a half years, hasn't spoken to me in months, I've no idea why, I've done nothing to provoke anything at all. So that was my inspiration, or more or less this is my mind right now. Left me out for the trash she did, just thought I'd let this be my first real note, i know its not typical and I'm sorry for that but there you lot go.
Sometimes I really hate myself
Not because I don't like myself
Because of how I feel
These emotions that I just can't control
Sometimes I hate myself
Not who I am
But how I act due to my emotions
How I feel
It kills me
I don't want to be nervous all the time
I don't want to feel the way I feel
That's what being human is
Its not something anyone can control
You don't mean to feel
You just do
I feel like a ghost sometimes.
Only an outline,
of what can be whole.

Never fading.
I just consume this space,
containing chaos in a jar.

Silence can hurt.
Raising doubts,
suffocating suspicions as imagination wonders.

Heart beats strongly.
Haunting every corner,
darkness is our curse.

We do belong together.
collapsing constalations,
and pulling stars from the sky.
Lost in a glen
Dark and dank
When will I return?
My soul is wandering
To a place unknown
What do I need to learn?
The branches of trees
Dig into my flesh
Ripping away my pride
The horrors of the ruined depth
May lead me to my demise
I feel my ego
Becoming twisted and bent
Showing me what I serve
Will there be anything left?
Or am I getting what I deserve?
The winds of hate are cold and worn
As they are blown away from me
My heart feels weak
But suddenly whole
What happened to the pieces in me?
Way down deep
In the core of my soul
I see a tiny light
So small at first I could not see
Because I would not give in to the fight
Years of calluses
Fall from my eyes
And at last I could see
The mirror imagine of my soul
That was never meant to be

December 21, 2016

What did you get up to today?

Outside no change

Inside to blame

Soaking the skin of someone

Dripping yourself in

Open ears, eyes, pores and sores

Seeking roots

To decay
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