I would
If only I with emotion
Could write

Such connection
Inside I
Allow for moments

Of memory
Honest retrospective
Causes and effects

To the world
The countless unknown
Others to confess

I am
I have been
Done against
Victim of

Life is lessons
Each their own
To share mine
Is to question

Am I alone
As I feel such
Distance

'I've never known the right words.'
Says the man.

'But,  I have so eagerly waited? '
My voice doing little to hide my hurt.
' will you try? '

O'  to describe that silence...
Put in words that look...
found behind proud eyes,  
As a man of greatness stared,
quietly into the distance.
To the cushion of memory
..  
The startled rabbit. The prey that feels it is hunted.

I stand held fast
Reasons seemingly intangible
This body at rest is unmoving
And I want for the blankets
The pillow does welcome tired minds
I succumb.  I nap.  Another wastes noon
What after that

From all black and forgotten
Another place and time
We choose to become this
At least for one life's time
These bodies are our anchor
Make possible these adventures
And without we must return home
To become mortal for a moment.
Is to remember the power of emotions
Something the timeless forgot.

As my venturing continues,
Yet once more unto to the depths.
My senses mean nothing,
All I feel is not physical, it is not.
Though I feel my heart crushing
The broken parts collapsing in.
I remind myself  this
Hurt has happened before
I did not die, I will not this time.
As I feel wetness roll
loose of my unfocused eyes.
Let them, it is my salve
My acceptance made real
They represent the new memories
I know I'll never get, and am only letting go.
I will be fine, as the world now lost and
All around is dark to and loneliness
Calls to have it's audience for

With applicated force
Pressure builds upon the wheel
So the wheel obeys
Turning as it does  
It grinds upon a stone
Throwing red hot embers
Creating light from invisibility
Ill use this miracle
Borrow from flame, heat
To do an awful thing
Breathing in that does
Create the holes
The space from me
To the rest of the you
Fueling my mind as it drills its holes
Aging the reflection as it does
Going along these thoughts
Too weak to do differently
As the glass holds
My worst sort of mistake
The foretold end to this machine
So then I can be free

I think I want to change

Feel that I am ready

Living as I have this way

Leaves me alone and empty

I think I need to change

How can I be myself

any other way than now

but it is said people change

I need help.

This is Me
I have half
Behind
Less in clear
Memories
Untold in front
As nobody
Knows
Before that day
And I
Have never known
Real love
I only thought
Maybe they
I might one day
That was counting up
Numbers decline
daily for me
And I'm done
Hoping to meet
I'm getting on with
Giving up.  
I'm damaged goods

I guess the madman
have calculated urges
disturbing angles
and unknown destination
exponential compromises
are words unsaid.
leaving leads to a labyrinth
full of unwanted things there
are the sounds you hear
of your own heart beating
that then seems to echo out
and fall to pieces
imposing places of
contemplation seeking direction
and comforting
they're all of the skills
They are barred
with in Wheeling, Broken,
and imperfect scars
scars that speak
in voices without tongues
They fluently create the lies
currency of  and for
causing discomfort as designed
glinches come at random
places that there is concern
that the illusions tell now,  cherished
and innocent versions all dressed up
False faces of who we are
feeding risky randomness
auditions held for the part of grown up obsession over
the past happy to give
flawless proof of lives In motion
not punching like creatures
Vultures circling over poisoned enclosures
those explorers so eagerly lost
create what happens
and I recognize the patterns
and the direction entices them
the misunderstood
They,  the lacking
the admiration leaching from the dependent
alien reasons for force
human consumption
we want so we approach
imagining admiration
as the fake see clearly
This comes along empty and fruitless weeping on road
they twist and turn to our destination listen for proof
Find strangeness from the terrified smiling as reflex is often fun to witness
Life is a marketing bonanza
Fretted upon by the aged
and confusing the greater purpose
It is unflattering
The images are set on dancing
in dream- like exuberance
But for our Commercial grade lifestyles worn out just as the next latest arrived motion that spurs ordinary
traditions are lessees and should lead
follow behind today showing.
direction and dramatic pauses
decisions create ruined morals
floating on an endless breeze
they are carried past the gate
seemingly entitled
as if born there and welcome
Off is the practiced flaws
missing is the counter balance
confrontation unspoken is kin to action anger is without conscience
mistakes have been made.
deception is practiced,  perfect.

A puzzled thing of thoughts.
Its own harsh judge
Watching always this mess of
Nothing great and nothing grand.
Two parts of one facing off.
Desperate for and too guarded.
Loving, outwardly too much
To entertain such notions,
Placed purposely by subtle sabotage.
Sculpting the view the two sides
Agree to see him to be.
Now I'm realizing what's been done.
Too long, too far gone, too late to change
Back to anything the one may want.
Ive brought this on and I ****** up
Adjust my acceptance to a lonely
Life to wait through until gone
Because I've been afraid and I got exactly what cowards ought to.  
An awful thought to wake up each day believing.

I don't need to view as they do.
For they are as giants
My measure is less and
I am alright with this.
I'm a work in progress
To become more yet.

Yet.

In the fall,

All is first one way


To turn, dry out

Destined to the breeze

Cold down from that

Introspective hell
Of knowing not matching my
Self appraisal

And, how am I supposed to feel?
When I've failed at literally everything I've ever done.
This slow motion day to day trainwreck
Is growing leads to but one end.  
One I used to certain I'd avoid. Resentment trying to form.  I won't because of him, of the few, of them.  Being forced to pickyself up, admitting, again, why it was me.  My fault, I failed this latest attempt.  Running out of options.  Spirit nearly broken. I'd ask for help, but if only I knew where?  How or why? What is the point? When I obviously will set others up to disappoint.  I hate being a burden.  I can feel peers views.  I hate seeing the look that most try not to be apparent.  Apparently, they don't understand how that look is me.  My own in the mirror every mi ute if every day.

Let loose my moral dialogs
Income such as tears bring
Feeling blindly out feelings
Ending so much of this opaque
Rise and falling inhalation
But for not at all what I want
Was not this knot about my
Perspective of the faded
A moment to reflect is paid
Words like my mind are tired
Midnight working at tearing down
What was built upon so much
Time slipped away and lost
I can't get this right, I am nothing
With empty air, thoughts can't say
That I running away to another
Reflected sunrise as I end

your blood representation, of a familiar design,
maybe equally as essential, as the clever use of smoke and hidden mirrors,
mislead you through the way it works comedy action catches you in awe.
and as the last act unfolds,
Its the ending you are really looking for.

I steal from her
Brick and mortar
To add to my foundation
Made of so little
rubble and debri
she wants this and wants that
but never stops
Never ever listens
I know what I want
the expense, knowing
I'm not right,
I am ruthless, and uncaring
Selfishly overbearing,
I blame these things
Upon the tiny shoulders of my self esteem you of course, and you know them,
and they point and accuse you too,
Never me.  
I am a man
Made of Memories
splintered,
Like Glass in a window breaks
Then Falls to pieces
That find Places, spaces Beneath you
Made smaller and smaller still
Rushed away
carried everywhere you were.
Where the need of
Less and less fits,
unless like a man
It proves too imperfect,
Until I find my ending
I imagine it Deep & blue,
Richest Royal,
inviting,
Then I will forgive
Forget ever having been
Walked Upon By you

To take a direction all my own
Legs place distance bitter sweet
Mind is at war with life and love
With living and with being without
If I dared, I imagine turning around
I bet I could see you
The thought taxes the beat within
It never lets go, always longing
Even when it's not my wish for it to.

I sing to the night private melodies
Cause they help me
Yes, they help me
Through my ways.

And there is a weight
Such a weight I hold
Pressing down, always down
My ways, my ways
Each day, every day

Silent melodies,
Take away my ways

It isn't for fun and games anymore.
That excuse wilted away.
In fact them are my very downfall.
Back then, **** was only a refreshment
And chosen were the days on it.
I was on guard and after
each introduction
Every reabsorbed indulgence
I walked it out of calling range
Chose not to be what I am now.
Financially funneling my nonexistent,
To make my way through **** work
**** pay, always broke...
Weak without; Penniless with it.
I need out.  Have little lapses.
I am not going to be a great loss.
Just one that couldn't let go
As fast as those that dabbled back then.

None of us really know do we?
Even the greats had to wait
So we flounder and hope
Assume then reassume after debate
There are those that want more
Others that grow bitter some jaded
But they wait as another way
Is known not any less than fully
From which is a step too far
Breaking this plane to be taken
To be trapped where ever, whenever
Then is and where we all go
So unknown here tethered
Separated by such a thing as fate.
Even the monsters that prey upon
The devoted, the imitated, the common
Boggle about doing this and that
But really wait.  We wait .

I am at first taken back,
By such an unexpected tact
Then oh almost as quickly
Far far more completely
Is my disregarding counter
Inside knowing I could never
Put one such as you through
The madness of my ways
As I know such toll it will exact

Now what does that say
About how I view myself?
What does that say
When I want to say yes anyway?

Click!.. And enhance quickly there after
when puddles cracked and broken
melting, tingging the air with addiction
breathe it in deeply this my motivation
long lost and nearly forgotten
longed for, sought after, bartered and traded
the motivation and the woes we will cause
this time, day or night no longer matter
I fly, and believe again, and create and try
this time and every time before desire burned brightly
to be up again, to contribute, to create and try
seeing again reasons to want these things
busy doing all and everything it let's me
whatever this does gives me this time

Funny what I choose...
Only what I want to see
Only my faults
Only shortcomings
Only what is lost
Only things not coming
Only taking from me
Only unprepared
Only unwanted
Only the dearest of things
Only living Only the motions
Only despair
Only me knowing
Only I am forgotten
Only me.

These are for You,
My works through it seems
framed,  on the wall, smiling
What to do about without me moments passed make up life
Deep, like the hours in a day
That we had, we did, before
As it has, it will cycling,
continuous, predictable as all but
our last breath,  to ashes then
if I cared, goodbyes
if I worried,  I'm sorry's
If given the chance,  i might linger
To catch final glimpses
Reflecting, on all the right things
To forgive myself,  my follies
Then let my shell feed the earth,
as life,  and love,  and time go on
So too will those that will without
If they feel lessened,  disheartened
Then talk so i may listen
What to do about without,  
Remember, talk,  go on living
They watch,  they listen.

What I do, I create,
and shelve away
Too many ways to focus
each unique but all with one purpose
I want to draw it out.
To write it all down
as fresh as it feels
emotions are this need
and I am never free
Always wanting,
only partially pleased
Unsatisfied.

I write and dream up new ways
To say and cry out old things
Utilizing the strings that can be tugged
That attach to inner most hopes
Hopes that feed dreams and needs
All of the things that can hurt
As they have done and I endure alone
I use these words that hold meaning
To tell the world how it is for me
To share with others that may comprehend
I write to post and pretend they reach you
But if they ever do is it just words
Or is the emotional message conveyed
I write to pretend that someone is listening.
I write to acknowledge the truth of loves cost
And to exercise my restless wants and longings
These are my chosen words
My means at giving feeling to the way one reads them.
My message to someone I know never sees or reads
The way it is to see or feel
Or love and want what cannot be
I write because I need to,  
Feel, to be, to eat, breathe.
I write because.

Looking up from the inward way that I had been facing,
I found my hands upon the wheel and that the dawn was fast made real.
The distance between consciously steering and commanding my purpose
And the autonomous routine I was living was becoming Less and less.
When did I want this?

when i slip off into... sleep
                           she pours in and over, throughout
ink in water.

The whispered breath
From behind, against my sense
Of well worn, welcome
Back again, the lips left unsaid
Sad sad day or ringing
Clearly as a crowd of mourners
The day, so close I barely hear them
What is this non sense
I'm not, to his won't,
Echo in the eyes as I the ears
Might hear what my lips
Did not.

Four times five
Twice
There I be
Not the place
Nor am I
We
Only me and
My one legacy
Soon
O
Me Alone
Caring from beneath
The aging ideal
The fairytale love
I witness
Yet I don't believe
I'll get this
I have literally none
Other than myself
And each once more
Around
I feel less like
A
Desirable man
Not where I thought
Never culminated
Thought I'd be
Different.

In the stagnant safety of my lower levels
The dangerous daylight claws and creeps
To remind my drifting mind of life and time
For a single moment a spark of desire flares
Bright and brilliant in its piercing cry
Calling to the husk of He I do so inside reside
Action stand and strive for more fight for life
Shed the shackles the lovingly have held me
Wipe clean established programmed thoughts
Step out into the world from which you hide
That brilliant spark and its thoughts flicker
Fade and my numbness this locked away safe
Unfeeling state create the familiar lack of need
Brush away such desire and as I sit more time more life and days pass by but still the day tries.

I find, this night, myself, caught
In the middle, of a midst
Quite the example, of an emotional pickle
I have a need, to miss you, or long after
My oh my, do I...
Times as this moment of which I write
Every fiber of my world unwinds,
As I imagine to feel you near me
Therein resides that perplexed piece
To this pickle puzzle I am at such a loss for.

How can I miss, or feel my heart, lonely, thinking what if only...
I have yet to meet you.  If at all you do exist?
Regardless, I do.  I miss and hope that soon I get to meet you.

I read and I am so many
though honestly, only one.
I breathe and ache,
Your words make me feel.
To be found, O' if only
One of one and only.
I digress, as is best.
To take in, and witness
all manner of this condition.
In Love, as I am
Again and again and again
fallen as the heart I sent
represents how taken I am
In love with you through your
poetic postings.  You'll never know
who or how you have won
the heart of a man, that only writes
of the way the heart does just the opposite.