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 Sep 2016 Theresa Marie
Francis
I am woeful of decisions that have once been made.
Fallacies clouded the judgment of my heart that I have shamefully been unable to detect.
An instant sensation of remorse, contaminates the mind as euphoria failed to fulfill my sadness.
How could one experience joy kicking love to the curb on an empty street?
A division of the conscience uncertain of it's conclusions,
But it being too late to repair.
The uncertainty eats away at this divided conscience for quite a stretch.
Dreaming the dreams of the love once lost,
A love lost by my own hand.
The thought of victory when feeling such relief,
But feeling blue at the relief when finally occurred.
Reality had too lost it's way,
On the road of which I am paving.
Cue that sweet, miserable sound of the miniature violin as it penetrates the heart I seem to have broken.
Her heart was once mine and I treasured it so,
But comparing the pieces of them shattered on the floor would be asinine,
Since hers are more difficult to retrieve.
I'll always hold on to that remorse for as long as my hands can bare,
But will finding love be as simplistic as running from it?
A place to search for it, I won't know where.
Remorse can be painful, even after a period of time.
 Sep 2016 Theresa Marie
s
She never really thought she would do it.
She never really thought she would be sitting here with a bottle of antifreeze in one hand and sleeping pills in the other.
Shaking
Debating
Panicking
She got to this point
Destroying herself
Suffering in silence
Hiding her mind
Hiding the cuts on her arms
She feels so selfish but she can't care
She has always destroyed herself
But now shes destroying others too
She hates herself
Anxiety
Note
Death
Tells people
Don't worry worry don't don't worry okay don't I'm fine fine fine okay I'm good
If this doesn't work
Life
Disappoint
Hell
****
But if it does
Done
Disappear
Alone
Empty
She doesn't know what is going to happen
She has now been sitting here for 2 hours
On this mountain
All alone
Phone off
Her mind is killing her
Chug
Gulp
Water
It's done
Now she just has to wait 3 hours
Anxiety attack attack anxiety who will find me it's going to hurt
Acute kidney failure
How she's dying.
She is crying
Crying
Vibrating
Questioning
Turns on phone
Phone on
Call someone
Someone anyone anyone
She wants to die
But her family will hate her
Her family will be heartbroken
10 texts
4 missed calls
Wait crying bawling
Her asking
Why can't I just disappear?
Why can't I slip away with no one knowing?
Why do I exist?
Why do I hurt everyone?
I wasn't thinking think
I was freaking freak
Call
Someone
Now
No
No
No
No.
She whispers to herself
"I just can't do it anymore"
Wipes away a tear
Reclines her seat in her car
And falls
Asleep.
Holy crap guys I need to stop.
 Sep 2016 Theresa Marie
s
Idk
 Sep 2016 Theresa Marie
s
Idk
Are you okay?
Are you feeling alright?
What is wrong?
Why don't you talk to me anymore?
You changed
Are you better now?

Yes I'm okay
I want to die still but I'm okay.
My head is wrong I'm wrong the scale is wrong the mirror is wrong.
I get anxiety when I talk to people now,
It's not just you.
I changed because my head tried to **** me.
I am so much better.
I'm good.
I just want to cut tonight
I just want to die tonight
I just want to puke tonight
But I can't
Cause I promised my parents I wouldn't.
I want to self destruct.
"Try coping skills"
Coloring a picture is not getting rid of my head.
I can't deal with you. My head is my head and you don't understand it. No one does. Im a screwup.
I'm so sorry. Okay.
I am broken.
Okay I'm sorry
I need to grow up but I can't and I want to die
I don't want to try and grow up.
Mom I'm tired so tired and I need a break.
I need to breathe.
Death isn't beautiful, but neither is living.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I have to keep trying
Keep living.
This is really hard.
I'm so sorry
 Sep 2016 Theresa Marie
s
delete.
 Sep 2016 Theresa Marie
s
I'm sitting here trying to put my thoughts into words.
Trying to take my mind and type it up
Everytime I start writing I delete it
Like my head
Whenever I start to think
I press delete
Delete my mind
Delete my soul
Delete me
I'm empty now
All this erasing has me hollow
An old dead tree
Looks strong on the outside
Empty on the inside
Just cut me down
Please cut me down
I don't want to be here
Death isn't beautiful, but neither is living.
I just want this bullet to press the delete button in my brain.
I wish I never existed.
Venting
I'm okay just getting it out of my head.
of course you will hurt me.

when i am sitting alone in the quiet
and thinking of the times i have bared my soul
i know there was never a question.

you have your own bones, and lungs and heartbeat.
you have your own ideas about love. about life.
while i am "getting by"
so are you.
 Jul 2016 Theresa Marie
Nik Bland
My dear, I called you late in June
I wandered through the many moons
And I stood tall and I ran long
Before I questioned where you'd gone

You told me you would be back soon
That March you sang a different tune
A parting hands and parting lips
Left all our promises eclipsed

And so I let you go away
Doting on your return someday
And someday came and someday went
Until I found my patience spent

And so my dear, I call to you
A wanting on a waning moon
I poke upon the dying embers
And wonder where you'll be December
When I lay in bed at night
I see your face
floating in the light-less air of my sleeplessness,
When I’m laying in the grass
Staring at the sky
I see your eyes in the clouds,
When I’m walking down the street
I see strangers
that look like you,
& At the setting of the sun
I see your figure
in the trailing shadows.
Always.
Slipping.
Through.
My.
Fingers.
Let me grasp this, this entity you are.
Because you’re more than human,
or you’re at least part supernova
or a quarter stardust
or something.
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