The thing about us I like is,
We never really let each other go.
No matter who we meet, or who we date.
We remain the same, special beings to one another.
Somewhat like a magnet, or a divine energy,
persistently re-connecting us to one another.

We wait...
For the unknown future which we both know exists for us.
We are not, never have been or will be  each others fall back plan.
We are waiting, until we are healed enough.
To be totally perfect for each other.

They always tell me, I light up around you.
They tell me that you do  the same.
We are each other's happy place.
Time, mistakes, other people can not change that.
Nothing ever will.

There are times when I look into your eyes,
and my heart just stops.
My jaw feels as if it has fallen to the floor.
We stand there,
both of us totally lost in each other.
It's these moments where words evade me.
My breath escapes my lungs,  and there is just peace.
We both find that peace in each others eyes.
We both find happiness in each others company.

We both know it is love.
We both know we are each other's future.
We still wait.

We won't say "I love you"
We don't let the world know any little detail of us at all.
We wait for the perfect moment,
When our two lives,
are one, once again.

No matter how much time passes,
you still are in my heart,
you still have the ability to change me.

Let's pretend.
Let's pretend I am not broken.
Let's pretend that I never hurt you.
I could be strong.
You could be happy.
I would have the ability,
to smile again.
That spark in your eyes,
could be there once more.
Your eyes smiling at me.
Telling me you only have love for me.

It is the truth.

And it is the underlying problem of this  all.

I am broken,
far beyond either you or myself may have ever believed.

I am stuck in a place where hell seems like pure bliss.

It is pretty clear to me,
that I will never ever come back.
I will never know what it is like to feel,
Anything but pain.
Disgust for myself and total shame.

When you look at me,
do you honestly think,
Even just for a moment,
that this is where it is I want to be?
That this is how I want to feel?

That I want to feel this worthless?
This repulsive at best?

Do you know what it is like,
to let the one person you never wanted to down?
Solely because you hate yourself so much?
Do you know what it is like to put your heart on the line,
To be torn apart,
again and again.

Do you know what it's like ?
To look your child in the eye,  
Promise them something.
Then that promise is broken.
And the only reason you could still have a purpose,
Is stolen right from under you.

Every battle,
every tear,
every sacrifice you made,
Every belief you ignored,
for the sake of other people.
Trampled,  
And you are nothing,
but all alone in the night.

  When inside you beg,
to be worth anything at all?
To mean nothing,
be no one.
An irritant,
just a joke.

When you just want someone,
to notice all you are asking for is them.
They can't do that for you.
They turn away from you.
They want nothing to do with you.
They leave you to feel,
like you're dying inside.
And just pray for it all to be over.

I find I can be such a silly little girl at times.
Don't you agree my love?
I mean I cry all the time,
much like a child, craving attention, spoiled.
I mean, what reason does this princess really have,
for spending nights crying away?

So stupid of me, quite honestly...
I mean, you are never here, when you are,
you are asleep,
or on the phone,
or fighting with me,
or we are having ***,
or you are laughing with other people,
while I selfishly sit anxiously out of control,
constantly on the brink it seems,
to have an attention seeking, time wasting panic attack.

And honestly, the way I cause a scene,
as I get head butted, punched in the face
by a full grown man.
It is truly unbecoming, yes I do agree.
I mean, the misssing hair too,
from being pulled out,
should just grow back already.
Like, honestly what is wrong with me?
Why do you put up with me in such a state?

And my dear, leaving someone elses home,
leaving me there, day after day.
Like really, what more could I ask for?
Like honestly when I broke, and would
be in a manic depressive and and anxious all the time.
I left you.
So really I should be fine with being alone constantly.

I mean, you were there for me to support me through so much,
the honest to goodness truth right there.
And when my heart was ripped right out of my chest,
and I was told that my children were to be away from me.
Like honestly, I was such a goofy ***** to you.

While I had heartbreak, and grief and resentment
and I lost so much.
I was really quite stupid, not knowing how to process it.
Not knowing how to release my feelings and fears.
I ruined you at the darkest days of mine.

And I shouldn't be upset at you leaving me,
coming and bringing your new little chick right in.
Insulting me, and yelling at me, hurting me.
I mean I broke up with you all the time,
when I was having a depressive episode.

Or was questioning if I could get over the first time still,
when I broke up with you.
And that night you had someone else to ****.
Or was wondering if someone could truly love someone.
Yet , have them waiting sobbing hurt and apologizing
for how my depression hurt you.
While you we across the street ******* someone with the perfect
view of our truck.
I broke up with you,
when you didn't come home, or didn't tell me you were leaving.
Or didn't come to court,
Or make sure I got there, while you had our car.
When you left my dog alone all day in a small room.
Came home at 6pm, then asked me to drive you around,
while you told me how I have been so horrible.
Silly girl, I am such an evil human being in your eyes.
I do honestly deserve to be knocked out don't I?

And slutty and disloyal,
should be my middle names.
I mean any other girl in the universe could pull off,
bailing you out of jail when you were arrested in a hotel room,
with your new **** piece.
There isn't another soul in the world,
that wouldn't even question sending you almost every thing she had,
wouldn't  keep putting money on a line that I answered
and talked to you on for hours everyday.
For you to get angry and yell at me for not doing
all the things you needed done.
While I was homeless, broke at times.
It is also truly disgusting, that I couldn't keep my legs closed.
I mean I should always feel wanted by you.
I am stupid to feel insecure, why would I?

I can be such an idiot at times.
Hurting like I do,
crying when you leave me,
so I know I will be alone for the next 16 hours or so.
While you hang out and go places
that you won't take me.
Cause I am just a miserable ***** when you do.
When I am upset at you leaving me in a car for an hour,
while you sit and chat with an female enemy of mine.
Respect? I'm an idiot if I don't feel respected,
honestly I shake my head at me.
What a joke.

I need to just stop it with this stupid depression
and PTSD thing.
I am lying when I say I can't, just stop is all I have to do.
I am a pathological liar.

And why would my goofy *** hate myself?
With so many insults going around,
With being a failure like I am,
fighting so many battles
and losing them all while I gave it my all.
is just the silliest.

I mean I should feel loved,
when I am sobbing asking you to hold me.
And get hit,
When I am begging you to love me.
And you throw garbage at me
walking away
or I take a well deserved punch or two.
I should feel special while you speak to a bunch of other girls.
and you tell me of the horrible things being said about me.
And when I ask for you to come home,
I should not expect anyone to wanna be around my crybaby self.
If I would just stop it and be happy
then you wouldn't have to  talk to me like that.

If my stubborn, fat head would only just accept that you want me.
While I cry alone all the time,
sitting with no one to talk to
nothing to do.
You are making us money,
so I just need to stop with my nervous breakdown.
It past the point of too much.

I just need to stop hurting, stop the insecurities
stop the panic attacks and just stop hurting and get over the grief.
If could only stop being a ***** with her head in a vortex.
With bad memories, insults and pain 24/7.
Treating you like ****,
stop getting ****** and asking you to want to be near me.
To hold me and love cause I hate myself right now.
Than maybe you wouldn't just be annoyed by tortuous pain in my heart.
Maybe if I could stop going crazy
cause I can just stop it if I wanted to.
I would never be the cause of you to be so angry
that you lash out at me.
Tell me I am the ******* I keep saying I am.

Silly girl, just stop the pain,
Stop expecting him to care,
Stop assuming stupid things like you not loving me..

Maybe I would be worthy of your love,
Instead of your punches.
If I would just end my life myself.

You could be the loving, grieving man of a silly girl who just wouldn't get her head out of the clouds.

They do not hide in the shadows,
They do not just seek out the innocence of children.
They do not just disappear as daytime arrives,
They do not just exist in a child’s imagination.

They walk amongst us
they will fool even the most intelligent.
They will change you forever
destroying you.

I am living proof that monsters are real.

I fell in love with someone with fair hair,
blue eyes like mine.

He came from a good home,
had lifetime long friends.
He had a heart that was so black, I am crippled now
Forever weakened from the past.
From him.

He fooled me.
I believed in him.
I loved him, and I hid the pain he caused me for years.
I protected him.

I let my innocence go and watched my life crumble.
I watched and I cried and I fought,
as he destroyed all my hopes and dreams,
all my beliefs in the world.
Everything I had ever wanted for my children.

I hid broken bones,
made myself seem clumsy and stupid.
All to ensure no one thought badly of him.

I had black eyes,
and broken hearts,
I had years and years of nights I spent sobbing and begging for him to be there for me.
To love me.

I had everything,
and he destroyed it all.
I always believed his lies.

He is a monster.
He is the reason I am a shell of who I once was.

I am broken,
no where near the person I once was.
I am looked down on now.
I have lost everything.
And he continues to haunt my daily life.

I finally left him,.
I finally chose to save myself.
He chose to call and lie,
have my children taken from me.

All because he says,
if he cant have them or me.
Then I wont have them.

He lied
and lied again.
He plays the victim,
and I am looked at like I am an evil villain

I am the one who protected and played that he was an angel so well.
That no one believes his true identity

Monsters,
They do exist,
Their clothes sit beside yours in your closet, they do not hide there.
You cuddle them in the bed,
They do not have to hide under it.

Monsters,
They slowly take what you are and destroy it.
They steal your light
They hide your smile
They take your spark from your eyes
and you lose it forever

They take a good heart,
and ******* it
They disable you
They leave you a shell of the amazing person you once were

I am whats left of a monsters attack.
I am what’s left of a bright and colourful soul

I am the girl who had the smile that brightened a room.
I am the girl who had the heart of gold
I am the smart girl.
I am the caring girl.
I am the one who loved a monster.

And lost everything good about myself.

I am here half alive,
nothing of what I once was.
To show you
just what monsters are capable of
.
I am here to warn the good hearted
girls,
who have an innocence inside of them,
to watch out,
to be careful.

I was once you,
They seek us out.
They will never quit.

They will ruin you,
like my monster did to me.

If you still shine brightly,
Watch out for their darkness.

They hide it well