It was your eyes,
That night my world got so much colder.
The sadness and the defeat.
The knowledge,that it was almost the end.
The silence, oh so quiet .
But your eyes screamed with love.
And with fear.
I would have waited, but you knew when you saw my face.
You couldn’t make me treat the burns.
You knew, you couldn’t say good bye.
You knew,
That this would be the last time your baby girl,
Would have to care for you.
I wish right now I could walk into my home again.
Like always, I could say “hey dad”
And hear a low voice say hey back to me.
Hear the chuckle, as you tease my kids.
Just like you used to do to me, you sure knew the buttons to push.
Sitting beside your bed, you lying silently.
I begged to any power that may be,
Please don’t let him be trapped in his head right screaming and hating himself.
Please don’t be angry at yourself dad.
Please,   please give yourself what you deserve.
I am so proud of who you were dad.
I am so proud to be your daughter.
I remember you patting my head when you thought I was asleep.
We were partners in crime.
I can hear that strong voice say I love you partner.
To be a kid again, and hear you say that  as I drifted off to sleep.
Oh, just for a second even.
But I grew up on you dad,
And as you watched me become bigger,
I watched your body  attack itself.
I watched your body take away everything you loved to do.
I saw you hate yourself for what you had no control over.
But you my dad, are the strongest, bravest person I have ever met.
You gave me my career.
No one else thought I’d be good at it but you.
And look at me now.
I care for people, and make their days better,
And I see you in every  single aspect of my day.
With every difficult person I see you,
The smartest man, knowledge on every subject.
The outdoorsman, the hunter, the never still hiker.
The brave paramedic that pulled boys out of frozen water.
The one I came to for every piece of advice I ever needed.
Not everyone could see what I did.  
That breaks me apart dad.
That makes me feel so bad for them, they missed out on an amazing human being.
It was never all roses though dad,
The anger inside you at what you knew you were becoming.
It was hard to watch.
Even harder to think about now.
The eyes of my father.
Had I known that it was the last time I would have seen them open,
I would have said much more.
There would never be enough time,
But I would have said I love you as many times as I could.
You were so strong for mom and I.
You tried to make sure we were okay, unaware that this was it.
But I saw it in your eyes dad.
I saw the love, I saw the regrets, I saw the good bye.
I just wish I had realized what I was seeing when it happened.
But I know dad.
I know who you were, I know what you meant.
I know how much you loved me.
I know how hard you fought.
Your eyes, a  picture I beg to leave my mind.
But grip as if it is my lifeline.
I felt your hand rub my forehead, as  I lay beside your hospital bed.
I was humming,   the words I’m gonna love you forever and ever.
Forever and ever amen.
Never rang more true.
An old country song,
The words of my heart.
Your eyes in an instant made my worlds view change.
Your eyes are with me in every thought.

My old friend,
My one that got away.
My number one fan.
My one thing certain.
Why?
Why did you do it?
Steal this from me,
I want to scream to whereever you are.
All of the things I should have.
Ive never felt so guilty,
If I had more time,
I wanted time with you.
I wanted a hug, to hear your voice.
It's gone now.
We had this amazing bond.
You loved me unconditionally I know.
Why, why didn't I show you it back enough.
I am so scared to never have you in my life again.
I am awake hoping you know.
I haven't slept in days.
Every song reminds me of you
And I break down.
You didnt have to do it you know.
I wish you would have showed up at my door.
I beg to let this be a nightmare.
Please, please have your face shaking me awake.
Please let me see your grin and hear your voice.
Please fill this emptiness I have had since they told me.
Please.
You couldn't have ended your life.
You couldn't have stolen your amazing self from the world.
I knew you as one of my first loves,
I knew you as a best friend.
I knew you as a passionate secret.
I loved it all.

My old friend,
My one that got away.
My number one fan.
My one thing certain.
Why?
Why did you do it?
Steal this from me,
I want to scream to whereever you are.
All of the things I should have.
Ive never felt so guilty,
If I had more time,
I wanted time with you.
I wanted a hug, to hear your voice.
It's gone now.
We had this amazing bond.
You loved me unconditionally I know.
Why, why didn't I show you it back enough.
I am so scared to never have you in my life again.
I am awake hoping you know.
I haven't slept in days.
Every song reminds me of you
And I break down.
You didnt have to do it you know.
I wish you would have showed up at my door.
I beg to let this be a nightmare.
Please, please have your face shaking me awake.
Please let me see your grin and hear your voice.
Please fill this emptiness I have had since they told me.
Please.
You couldn't have ended your life.
You couldn't have stolen your amazing self from the world.
I knew you as one of my first loves,
I knew you as a best friend.
I knew you as a passionate secret.
I loved it all.

Is it a love story, or just a tragedy?
Is the tragedy how completely incompetent you are?
How sad a story for someone to be so broken,
that they are no longer a person.
A person would never hurt another like that.
A true human being would never treat someone like that.
I am mean, because you are cruel.
I am finished, because you were too weak and gave up too many times.
Do not blame me for your mistakes,
do not blame me for walking.
Too much of a coward to read what you have done.

Giving up your humanity was your choice,

it was never mine.
My choice is to let you, the heartless soul that I tried to help so many times.
Who left me alone, left me and ignored me at every turn.
My choice is to live while you die.
My choice is to smile,
You just want me to remain in the hell you created for me.
While you smile,
I refuse to give anymore of myself for someone
who never once saw my life for how horrendous you have made it.
Never tried to fix it
Never gave up the things that broke it.

You were my everything,
and you took yourself away and made yourself nothing.
You ignored everything and expected me to ruin myself,
while you carried on.
I am done,
I am finished.
You are not who I loved in the first place,
you are no longer you.
I am not holding onto to who you were,
when you never would.

You were once one of the first female supreme court judges.
An engineer, professor,  politician.
You were a loving mother,
The perfect husband.
Life can be cruel though.
Time has stolen your individuality.
I watch as your wife leads your hand down the hall.
To your room,  you remain suprised everytime.
The pain, in your families eyes,
Camoflauged with a smile.
As you introduce yourself as if you have never met.

You ask me where you are,
Why you're here.
I'll tell you, but you never believe me.
I try to explain over and over,
The shock is new everytime.

I take care of you,
I try to help you through this chapter of your life.
By the time I meet you,
You are not who you were.
Your mind is lost in time and my face is always new.

Looking at your pictures I try to see how you were.
Try to imagine the strength,  the youthfulness.
I try to make you feel as whole as a stranger can.
I am here with you day after day.
Over time you become like family to me.

The disease has taken you,
I wish I could change all that.
But instead I'll just sit here,
Listen to your story of strung up words that make no sense.
I'll smile when you do
Look sympathetic when I need to.

You are a human being with the strength of a hundred men.
You have had the diagnosis told to you.
You were so aware of what you would become.
I am here to help you
I respect who you were, and who you are.
I try to make your last days a little better, easier.
I'm your nurse.
I hope I can help.
Even if it is just for a moment.
I hope you know,
What an amazing soul still resides in you.

I wish you freedom, memories and peace when it's your turn to go.
And I welcome who takes your place.
Never forgetting your individuality.

It doesn't seem fair does it?
So much emotion centered at another soul.
There is the passion, the completly overwhelming want to feel every inch of your body.
The unmistaken need of having you as close as humanly possible.
Your lips meet mine, and there is nothing that can overtake me that quickly.
Even your breath on the back of my neck is enough for me to,  for a moment or two forget the pain.
Forget how I spend most of the day.
We ended up in pergatory together.
As close as two can be, and never so torn as we are.
I'm so broken by your choices, pulled together again by the arms that tore out my heart.
We scream, spew hatred, cry, throw knives to see who can hurt who more.
Only to reach out for the other to save us everytime
To be true loves and each others poison.
It's truly terrifying.
Imagine you not here with me.
Imagine us spending the rest of our lives in this crazy chaos.
Lying in your arms is where I should be,
But the ghosts,
They can sure haunt a damaged soul.
Two people that have been broken into a million pieces.
The love, that undying unconditional truth that we cannot deny.
Why do we try my love?
Why is the anger so immense?
I wish we never even had to hear the word addiction.
I close my eyes, go back in time.
Before our life was unhinged.
I can feel that feeling,  feel the happiness run through my body.
Like a shockwave.
The lightning will strike again,
Reality will bring it all back.
Bring back the stranger who I remain chained to.
You, my disease
My cure.
Please save yourself.
To save me.
To save the perfect moment I forget how a white powder erased me from your mind.

There's you, and him.
There's years of mixed emotions.
Passion, lust, love, anger.
Nights of no sleep,
Under the duvet.
Anywhere we could.
The devotion, the idolation.
The spiral out of control.
The downfall of an empire.
The screams, tears and heartache.
The most destitute feeling.
There's Him.
I wake up to sweet compliments.
I feel wanted,  
I feel like someone has patiently waited.
Waiting for the right time.
Just when I needed him.
Nothing is set in stone,
It's just so new.
Your arms for a very long time,
We're the only ones.
But they're gone now.
With him I feel safe.
And so afraid.
Of us ending,
Of a new us beginning.
Of me losing both.
I dont know whether to fight and stay,
Or be swept on a new happy journey,
Or more pain.
I am scared of letting go.
I an desperate to move on and forget
I'm desperate for a miracle.

I hate these times.
Sitting around a pile of boxes.
With all of the broken promises looming in the air.
Where, we believed we were invincible.
We believed that we were each others forever.
So long ago, and the haunting nights I sat alone.
Just waiting for it to come back to us.
Waiting for our light to come back to us.
But with blow after blow, you flew away.
And I lost a piece of me with every tear.
All those things that once were,
The life we had planned. Gone.
I am too hurt to face the truth, I'll never be the same.
I lost myself in your hatred towards me.
I gave myself away, so here is my shell.
And it's not a lot left.
Everything I was, sorry I lost it.
My spark faded out as the heartbreak took over.
Insecurities and fake emotions to cover the stabbing pain that never leaves.
I slept with someone,
Who said nice things and made me feel somewhat ok.
We both know though, that was only an escape from the endless taunting screaming in my head.
It's gone, what we had.
It's all gone, no matter what you say now.
I can't erase what you said and did to her.
I can't fill the emptiness.
Sitting here, staring at you, staring into the eyes
Of the most intense raw pain I have ever felt.
Is far too much.
Faking and lying to him is too.
I can't care about anyone.
Look at me, I'm running on fumes.
I had the zest for life,
The wanting to give affection bled out of me.
Every night I cried alone in bed.
I'd call, beg for you to love me.
If you were here, you would walk right by.
That, I'll never forget.
The first pain of knowing you could care about someone else, was shattering.
The pain that followed as piece by piece I lost my dignity trying to get it to be me you loved.
When you would walk by, look at me as just a nuisance, a pathetic worthless sub standard human.
That's what remains, the pain outweighs it all.
The pain of losing the thing I believed in the most.
I can't have you, and you poisoned most of me.
So here is what is left,
A broken woman who will never believe in anything again.
Hides her pain in something that grabs her attention for a minute.
And boxes, some kids clothes on the floor.
Broken picture frames, shattered dreams.
When I sit here you can smell the hatred you had for me.
The walls almost drip with my blood.
I still wake up when I can sleep, alone.
Waiting for more pain, or waiting for it to finish me off.
It shouldn't have ended, or maybe it should have never begun.

When my daughters are older,
On their own, making their own way.
I hope I have taught them well.
I hope I've shown them how to be strong.
I hope when they look back they know,
I never sacrificed my own happiness,
For someone to hurt and control my life.
I hope they realize that battling yourself,
Just isn't worth it, so love yourself.
I hope they know how beautiful they are.
I hope they walk up the mountain,
Step by step.
That there is an easier way,
But if they're losing themselves its just not worth it.
I hope they never wait by a phone for boy,
I hope they live their life,
Not just search for love to accept them.
I want them to be able to see a bad situation,
Stand tall and do what they have to do.
For them.
I hope the world never steals their beautiful smile.
That it never ever makes them feel worthless.
That it never breaks them so much they feel unlovable, undesirable.
My daughters, those girls who have the most beautiful spirits.
I do not want them to change who they are.
I hope they accept themselves as the masterpieces that they are.
That they never back down from what is right for what is easy.
That everyday they wake up proud of who they are, what they've done and where they're going.
If I break down, give up, let society win.
They will be broken before they step a foot out in the world.
If I can't be the person I wish them to be,
They will fail.
I want them to know,
That the tears will fall, the heart will break.
But they never, ever change who they are.
They learn that the hard times are lessons,
Tests of strength.
And they will survive them all with grace and dignity.
That there is no species in this world that is stronger than a woman with self love.
I choose to be what I want for my daughters.
I choose to be their safety net, their counselor and role model.
I will be the strongest, most beautiful woman in the world.
For them.
So when they stand alone,
Not sure which road to take.
The know how strong, how beautiful and intelligent they are.
They make their decisions proudly.
They know what is right for them.

It's more than just the feeling of hurt.
When you say that you are sorry,
You hurt my feelings.
The picture really isn't in focus for you.
That feeling that was hurt,
It was that unconditional love I could feel,
While I hated myself.
It was the confidence that someone
Saw the beauty in myself,
While I tore myself down.
It was the push to keep going,
Everytime I wanted to fall.
It was the ability to become something,
Because even though I didn't think so,
I had someone who did.
It was the person who had my back,
That turned away.
It was the silence,
While I learned just how little,
I meant,  our friendship.
It was the lack of effort for someone,
To prove your worth something.
It was finally finding out,
Already broken, shattered.
What alone truly felt like.
Watching all the pain I have been dealing with.
And knowingly add to it.
It's realizing that you have nothing,
Left to give, or take.
That words are just words,
That actions are so much more.
That no one has proven anything.
My feelings you hurt.
Was the last solid thing standing,
Crumbling.
I proved to myself to stand up,
By myself for once.
I looked at myself though,
And could still see why I would never be a first choice.
After all the years you watched my mind
Consume me, take away reality
With a self hatred that would make me sick.
It somewhat brought it all back up front.
If that one person who you trusted to be your eyes,
When your mind showed you a bent image of yourself.
When they  neglect to see your pain,
Choose to steer clear of it.
You realize that no one,
Will be there for you sometimes.
Will care for you forever,
Will put their pride away to do something about it.
Your feelings are so much more.
Your faith is broken,
Your trust is gone.
Your beliefs are wrong,
I am just another being fighting in this life alone.
It does so much more than hurt.
It breaks what you were.
You hurt my feelings?
You changed who I was.

I never knew this before.
But, there is a time in our life,
When we realize just how horrendous it is,
To be human.
We realize that , that one person
Who said they would never hurt you.
You believed it,
In fact you knew it.
And a first crack hits,
You see just how painstakingly selfish this place is.
You feel the crush in your chest and the years in your eyes.
At some point during all this,
There's the ones that are still there.
The ones that hold you up
Make you feel as if you are strong enough.
You again with your trust,
Have your guard down.
A best friend will not hurt you.
They turn away as well.
And, when that happens.
You realize that you will never again trust another humans feelings.
If the only people in the world.
That were thought to be your allies
Left you with huge scars.
Then the world is a much,
Much darker place than ever imagined.
That while these feelings of self hate,
And complete lack of confidence on your ability to be loved.
Respected, adored, honoured.
Thats when the thoughts come out,
All those feelings, they are what set you apart at times.
They are what sets you apart.
You look at yourself and you realize
Just how much you would have done.
What you never would have,
How you could never have thought or done
The pain that was given to you.
The world it seems is a much colder darker place
Than first assumed.
You have changed, you will never hold a relationship
With the same absolution ever again.
Spouses, family and friends,
Are not what you thought.
Good and bad,
This world will lift you up,
To pull you down.
To watch you fall.
Break and change.
When you get up and walk you'll smile again.
The world will be cold, dark
People will destroy you
But if anyone keep faith in yourself
When the world is heartless and cold,
Try to remember to feel your heartbeat,
And love the innocent souls you created
And hope they never ever feel like you do.
Hope the sun stays out
The dark clouds that encompass you,
Stay with you instead.

I'm trying here,
To keep my sanity.
Feel like a human being.
To feel beautiful,
When all I really feel is low.
Unwanted. Unloved.
I'm trying to smile instead of cry.
To make the most of a horrible situation.
Learn from it I guess.
I can't decide what to do.
I don't know where to go,
I don't want to look in the mirror.
I don't even know her anymore.
I let go,
Gave up really.
Still, lost.
Feeling alone and insane.
Feeling insecure and disliked
May just be the worst of this mess.

Here's the thing, you sit here crying over her.
You want it all back.
How many nights did she sob? Beg? Plead?
You stomped her into the ground.
Then, she rises stronger and more beautiful then before.
She realizes her happiness is her own.
You're too late, through destroying her.
You made someone far more amazing and that much stronger.
She'll say thank you, and she'll walk away.
You will sit with your regrets while she takes on the world.
Watch your world discover one,
Where you just exist.
Where she wanders wherever you will not be.
You broke it apart.
While glass shattered around her.
She was the only One there to help her.
While you saw the wounds,
And chose not to care.
The scars are fading my friend.
And with them, you
Become a memory of how she got where she's going.

Is it so hard to remember my love,
How you felt?
How you would smell my hair and let out a sigh beside me.
How you would make me feel the way no one ever has,
No one will.
Do you remember smiling, by just looking at me?
Do you remember the inside jokes,
The sleep ins, the late nights.
Do you remember candy land?
How Maddy would always win?
And how terrible a loser she was.
Do you remember coming home 8 years ago,
After that week apart?
Where you fell on the floor,
Came to me and just grabbed me as if you'd never let me go again?
How we didn't have money, but we had each other.
And that was always enough?
Where did you go?
Come back here,
Please one day fall through the door and kiss the floor and be thankful I still love you.

This is not you.
This person you've become.
This is a bad dream that will end.
When will I wake up with you beside me.
With all that's leftover a chill.
A distant memory of this ruined life.
These ruined memories,
Poisoned, tainted.
when will love outweigh the destruction.
This cannot be real,
This cannot be my life now.
You couldn't have done this to yourself.
Let yourself slip into an abyss,
So deep, so cold, so haunted.
You're just breathing,
That's all that's left.
This strong, loving, tender soul.
This soul that would cling to me when he needed to.
This man who protected me,
Saved me from myself.
Is no where around anymore.
No where near me to save me now,
Or let me save you.
You've let yourself die inside and pushed me away.
We both died inside.

I died my hair black,
To forget about you.
To be able to look at myself,
See someone who wasn't alone.
To be able to give myself a chance.
To make you see I'm beautiful always.
You can't see it,
You don't want to.
I'm alone.
Still can't look at myself.
Still can't face the truth of it all.
Still ugly, still unwanted.
Still not worth your time.
I have black hair,
It matches my soul.

I guess this is it, the breaking point.
The time I thought would never actually arrive.
I thought it would work out, I thought you would care.
Care enough about me, enough about yourself.
Love is a funny thing, I can't stay because of my love.
Leaving is the only thing left, you aren't here anymore.
My heart wants to jump out of its chest.
I want to scream, I want to shake you and show you what magic you're stealing from our lives.
The laughs as a family, the time and the hugs.
Our kisses, our late nights.
The things that mean so much to me, seem to mean nothing to you.
I have wanted you to grab me, hold me scream how much you love me.
I wanted you to do anything for me.
To take charge and take me, to fix our family.
Your desire for me, is gone.
Your will to fight for me is obsolete.
So I'm left walking away, wishing for a miracle.
For a change of heart, for you to scream don't leave.
That you don't makes this more painful, makes this so hard to take.
Yet, it also shows me I'm making the right decision.
Twenty years from now, I will still love you.
But I won't have to regret living a life of hurt.
I wanted this love, I wanted this life, the way it was.
I wished and prayed and begged and yelled.
None of those things will change that you don't love me.
Nothing hurts me more walking away, loving you so completely.
Knowing you don't feel the same way.
I wish I could turn back the time to where you held me close and I could feel nothing but your unconditional love for me.
How did you just stop loving me, our love was so strong.
I'm dying inside, I've lost one of the biggest parts of my life.
I've lost the family I dreamed about.

Let me be kinder to myself.
Forgiving, like I am to others.
Let me see beauty in my reflection.
Smile, everything is better with one.
Let me take time for the small things.
Give me the colour I want.
Let me walk near the water,
And sit with a book in my hand.
Let me appreciate myself again.
Let me not value myself by others wrongdoings.
Let me respect myself,
Then I will not do the same to someone else.
Let me have cheesecake.
My self worth is not determined by my body.

Please self, stop fighting yourself.
And let myself finally free.

Here I am, older not wiser
Stuck in the same nothingness.
You're not here, you carry on.
You, who doesn't want my life,
Yet just holds me captive in limbo.

Me, upset, lost, confused, alone.
You, unwilling, carefree, unencumbered.
The tears don't change your behaviour,
The talks are a waste of breath.

My head is spinning like a tornado.
While you put your time elsewhere.
The hurt, the heartbreak, the lies you tell
Leave no effect, no remorse from you.

The clock ticked, you watch the time slip by.
While I held the house on my shoulders.
While I broke, I slipped away.
I hid and cried, my mind has given out.

Never once did you dry my tears.

Like a thief in the night,
it came, and stole apart of me away.
Like a lightbulb that burnt out.
You took a part of me.
Leaving scars, where scars shouldn't be.
You set out on a war,
a battle on my soul.

There is this darkness,
Like a plague,
constantly looming.
Hanging just above our heads.
Where lies control,
where hearts are broken.
The wounded, go unnoticed.

Walk through the blood,
it seems easy for you to do.
Just take what you want,
leave the broken, the wounded.
There is no use for them
in the world you have created.

Your delusional thoughts believe,
that this is a better life.
Where the wounded, the hurt,
are wrong.
And you are the king of right.

Please take a moment to look,
Open your eyes and see,
this life you have created,
will be the death of yourself.
Us, the supposed broken,
will be standing,
we will watch you lose your footing.
As you have lost it on reality.
We will be the ones to bury,
We will be the ones to carry on.

While you,
who is all wanting.
You,
who is uncaring,
You,
will end.

We will,
Be strong, as we have always been.
We will,
glance on,
as you steal the last breath from yourself.

There are tears in the world tonight,
There is love that is hated,
Good people, with hearts full of love.
Rejected, denied, abused.

There is love in the world tonight,
where the hated, still love.
Where the rejected,
are held tight.
Where the world comes together.
To say, this is not right.

Who has the right,
to tell you who to love?
No one, can control anothers heart.
The people, who worship a book.
That is supposed to be a book of love,
they hate, they despise, they steal equality.

Do not take what is not yours to take,
It is not yours to claim,
it is not yours to abuse.

They are not wrong,
they are not the devil.
For loving with all of their hearts.

Take a lesson,
learn from them.
The true meaning of the word love.

These eyes that stare at me,
Blue as the sky on the clearest day.
Offer innocence, offer solace.
Those eyes complete me,
They heal my soul.

That blonde hair,
As if the sunshine would follow me anyhere.
Brings me back, fulfills me.
Gives me energy to fight on.

That energy, so full of life.
Reminds me why,
Life is beautiful.
Hearing that little voice,
those simple words.
Can remind me in a second why I am here.
I love you mommy,
Makes all the bad in the world go away.

Here we are my friend,
After so many tears and so many fights,
We are still each others strength.
You are my soul, you are my good sense.
Without you I would still be a lost little girl.
Lost in a big world.

Through the drugs, the boys, the good times, the bad.
Here we are.
Though miles may seperate us now,
You are the only thing that I know like the back of my hand.
You are the only one who will ever truly know me and love me just the same.
My true love is beside me, yes.
But you, you my friend are my soul mate.
In you I can always find that unconditional, completely honest love,
That only a best friend can give.

So, if I said to you just leave...
You won't.
I say you are ruining me,
You're not.
I would have to disagree,

Slowly, over the years I have become stronger.
Still too weak to give up.
Too proud to say that I, myself had failed.
It's not me at all.
I survived, I conquered.
You failed your battles.
I suffer.

I have fought, and fought,
battled my own demons and won.
Stared my fears in the face,
and shot them down.
Yet, here you stand,
You weak, weak man.
Not even admitting,
that you cannot.

You lie,
to the honest.
You break,
all that's good.
You take,
my happiness'
You rip
me open.
You,
are the worst part of me.

To some, this is writing on a page.

To other's it is a form of art.

To me, a look into my soul.

Where I pick up a pen and words flow through my heart.

On to paper.

This ability of mine,

Or, in some eyes lack of,

Helps me be me.

Cleansing of my soul.

After I write,

I am calm.

Rejuvenated.

Able to face more problems,

And identify solutions.

No one told me to do this.

This is something I did myself.

The words found me,

Come in and healed me.

Once again, I set them free.

Someone might read my words and see my talent.

Some may say I am not talented.

To either of these people,

I say "I do not care"

My word formations,

I made them for me.

I made them so I could help myself,

So I could carry on with a brave face,

If you open your mind and read my words,

Open your eye's you are looking into my soul.

If the words help in a time of need.

I smile at myself.

If not I will still do the same.

When I write,

I can mould a language.

I am in control of it all.

So when life spins horribly out of control.

When the words just wont leave my mouth.

I run to my hiding place and immerse myself,

In ink.

There was a time,
When I picked up a pen and the words would just flow.
My head leaked into my hand and wrote it all down.
Now, I am too busy.
Too tired, too much of what everyone else wants.
I let my dreams slip away,
I miss writing, I miss knowing what I'm feeling.
I miss being centered, having my little place.

There was a time when I looked forward to friends, family.
Now, I look forward to silence.
To a moment to myself to sit and do absolutely nothing at all.
No, I do not want a drink.
No, I am not going to answer the phone.
No, the kids are going to bed, it's past their bed time.
No, I don't know who I am.

Yes, I want to scream.
Yes, sometimes I do want to run away,
go, and live on an island.
No,  I would never go anywhere without my kids.

The problem with being a mother,
you watch yourself slowly melt into this person you hardly know.
This person you never, ever thought you would become.
Some days, you become so drained, so lackluster
You think, just for a second...
Where would I be...

I would be no where,
I would be lost,
I would be lonely,
Instead of cuddling my baby,
I would hold a pillow?
Instead of doing hair for a ballet recital,
I would watch a movie with myself?
No smiles?
No kisses?
No one wanting your undivided attention?
Not helping them learn how to be themselves?
I gave up myself, so they could be them,

I am strong, to teach them how to be.
I am happy, because they are.
I am loud, to be heard.
I am quiet, so they can sleep.
I am here, so they can be.
They are everything to me.

Music can change your mind.
The lyrics bringing you warmth in your coldest moments.
The flow of a few words with a chord,
can seem so simple.
The flow can mean so much.
The beat giving your heart a pace,
to keep beating.
When you can find no reason to go on,
Mind bending music,
helping you to see the world through new eyes.
Giving a broken heart,
something to believe in.
A broken soul,
healed with voice of someone they will never meet.
A soundtrack to a life,
A reason to smile.
Turn up the volume and become someone else,
for a while.

The night shift,
no rest for the working.
Sitting here,
drinking strong coffee.
My eyes are heavy.
Dreaming of the warmth of my covers.
The cuddles that I'm missing.
The soft pillows.
I'm tired.
Strung out on caffeine.
Waiting, anticipating,
for the time I love.
Where I can drift away.
Close my eyes,
and let my imagination
take me away.
The clock slows,
seconds, seem like hours.
Duty calls.
Retirement seems too far away.

we are imperfections of the universe
Power greedy beings, who do not understand
All knowing, stupid creatures of habit.
Believing in all, Realizing nothing
with questioning morals
We lie in the name of love, **** in the name of God.
We judge everything, as if we have the right to.
We depend on the passiveness of non-violent people.
To bully them and prove our power
Stating they are "weak", when in fact,
Are intelligent. Amongst the powerful morons that govern our society.
They **** children, for freedom.
Stealing their innocence.
We all watch on, intelligent and stupid alike.
Do nothing and justify ******.
Learning nothing from the past,
We continue to be guided by falsehoods,
Such as religion and democracy
Millionaires, **** for oil.  ****** the youth of a chance for peace.
Blood rains down on the world,
Lies, hatred and envy grow.
Until one day, no one will be safe.
No one will know the true meaning of love,
or peace.
We will blame the media, society, parenting.
Anything but ourselves and the ignorance we hold so dear to our cold hearts.
Forgetting that we all played a part in digging the mass grave we will all one day lie in.
Where will the politicians hide when the bombs strike the world?

Who knows where we go when we die?
Does the past linger for them too?
Do they really watch over us,
Or is there such a utopia that surronds them,
That they forget us, and really leave us all together?
I do not believe this, yet have no idea what happens.
Who would they go and see?
I would want to be so many places,
All at once.
Try to make myself a part of everyone's day,
I would like to break myself into a million pieces.
Make myself into inanimate objects of everyone's day.
And, everytime they used that object,
they.... not knowing why were reminded of me.
A colour even, A fictional character,
When I die,
I want to be ink on paper,
Shades of pink lipstick,
I want to be an invented imaginary place that only two people really know exists.
I want to be a kiss,
a hug,
A hand on someone's shoulder.
A tear that magically disappears as it runs down a cheek.
A quiet warm feeling that makes you feel so safe.
I want to be everything, anything.
A memory that will never fade from one's mind.

The confusion in my mind dissipates

And finally, my life seems to make sense.

The wrong decisions are not made in vain,

I can now see the beauty that this world has to offer me.

The love in my life over ruling the hatred of others,

Calms my soul and allows me to smile.

I love to smile and did not know how much I missed it.

But still I miss you, I hold you so dear in my heart.

I miss your smile and your voice.

I miss the sweetness that radiated out of your heart.

I miss you every minute of every day.

I visit you,

I cry at your grave,

I can feel your hand guiding me through this,

And that is why I smile...

You are still with me,

You will always be with me.

But I wish I could hug you and laugh with you still.

Now, you are the most amazing angel smiling down.

You are my angel.

I will never forget or stop loving you.

Is it real, any of it?

Is a constant reminder and feeling of what was,

Just that,

Only a feeling?

Or is it my warning sign to break now,

Run while I still can,

Or sit and wait for the walls to crumble.

Warning signs, self contempt,

I can no longer tell the difference.

That is terrifying,

Knowledge is power,

Ignorance is bliss.

What do I choose?

Where do I go?

And who can I run to?

What becomes of us when we spend our time,

Thinking of what might be?

And worrying about what could be true.

Lost and alone,

I ask myself these questions.

I always ask myself these questions,

Yet I still have not found an answer.

Frightened, stressed, and unimpressed

I wander through my day,

In a fog.