It feels like I don't have anyone I can open up to,
Or rather as if no one would care much if I did.
And I guess that *****.

The loneliness.

My trust circle was small enough to begin with,
Some I pushed away,
Only to come back and realise they're doing much better without me;

Others I grew gradually apart from,
As they moved into new paths of their lives.

So now my path is solitary,
No friendly torches to help light the way,

And my own flame is flickering,
Ready to give up,
The shadows getting larger the more it diminishes,
The way ahead shrouded in more darkness.

I fear it'll go out,

I fear I'll give up,

I fear the blackness,

I fear the end,

When it swallows me whole.

I wonder what they look like,
All these fancy new men.
I wonder what they sound like,
Rolling compliments off their tongues.

I wonder what they think,
When they see you cross their path.
Do they marvel at your radiance,
Or hunger to feel your fire.

I wonder if you blush,
When they tell you the things you want to hear.
Does your heart flutter intensely,
Do your fingers feel a tingle.

I wonder what they taste like,
On your pale cool lips.
I wonder if you're warm,
Locked in their embrace.

It starts to hurt when I wonder,
How they achieved this feat.
To experience with you in a matter of moments,
What I could after years.

I wonder how you do it.
I wonder why I care.
I wonder if the girl I loved,
Is still there.

And I don't know why I still write about her,
Or why I still think about her,
Or check my phone for a message from her,
Or dream of her before sleep,
When we're supposed to be done.

When we don't make effort for each other,
When we've (she's) been with other people,
When we've (I've) become infatuated with others,
When we're living our lives and growing on our own.

I don't know why,
I cling to the idea of her so.
Maybe because it's bright.
The effect she had on me.
Maybe I miss it.
Maybe I long for it.
Maybe she's a reminder that my heart
Dark and foul,
Could still love another.
Could love so hard it knew neither up or down,
Could get so lost in another
That time and space became muddled.

Maybe our paths have deviated,
But is set for reunion.
But until that time,
If it ever comes,
I will continue looking back,
Growing in reflection,
And taking my time.

Taking the time to figure out
Why loving her is the only thing I know.