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Feb 20 · 35
episodes
ilias Feb 20
it is spring and I hum to turquoise beginnings
Armageddon is not today, I remind myself,
to be born and reborn; I am formed like clay
I am the sound of people winning,
Las Vegas and its men in grey,
I am the infinite seeds of tulips,
and the sunlit tides on a golden day

it is spring and I do not belong in warmer spheres
the devil holds me tight, I remind myself,
I am not yet gone, I still walk by his side
I am the only remain of my shepherd‘s geese,
I am tied to this hell and all its pride,
and I am the hell, and I am the pride

I am lost in my body and in all it contains,
I hum and I cry, am in pain or feel high,
I am the moths in my closet,
and the clothes, and the clay,
I am the seeds and the tide,
and the only lost goose here in May

right now my hands hold me tight,
so I remind myself:

it is summer, and you have decided to stay;
my psychiatrist says it‘s bpd but who knows lol, I may just be a lost child in a lost world.
Dec 2023 · 443
waiting for you
ilias Dec 2023
I waited for you. for you!
now dust has put me to bed
and kissed me ten goodbyes,
dead cells surround the dead,
they sang me lullabies.
It almost feels like home,
yes I’m the queen now in the hive-
were I not homeless,
waiting for you, for you! my life.
Nov 2023 · 78
red
ilias Nov 2023
red
it is the red in the sky
that hurts the most.
how can such beautiful art
feel so ******* wrong?
it’s the reminder of
cut open arteries, red roses of past lovers,
of my broken heart.
this shade of red doesn‘t belong.
Nov 2023 · 70
since you left
ilias Nov 2023
the snow started falling faster when you left
and the gravel beneath my shoes now remains quiet
it was the worst kind of theft
and even though it has been many winters
of ugly cries and silent fights
the earth still mourns the loss of you, see,
the wind still sings sad songs in this cleft
that you created
day after day I must withstand the desire to let myself fall, like snow, from far above,
until I hit the ground, until I find you,
my love
Nov 2023 · 80
childless childhood
ilias Nov 2023
you were a child,
so foolish and small,
throwing tantrums in silence
you've always been too much

and after eighteen winters you now age backwards,
with every birthday,
with every smell,
every fight
and every touch.
Nov 2023 · 76
I took a bath today
ilias Nov 2023
lavender scented soap bubbles on my belly - hugging the weight I’m not destined to lose.
you smiled, I heard it in your warm voice.
today your daughter does a good job of holding herself together.
the pale moonlight behind closed doors tells me to stop reopening old wounds and I listen. maybe for the first time in months.
I took a bath today. the size of my legs are just the size of my legs, and the sun will rise tomorrow - even behind closed doors.

and maybe, I whisper to my body, you are not as evil as they say. maybe you are just a byproduct of something much greater.
Oct 2023 · 78
winterishere
ilias Oct 2023
winter is knocking at your door
and you have forgotten how to welcome a long lost friend.
your fourteen-year-old bones are rattling, your feet are cold and you want to slam your head against the wall.
winter is looking through your kitchen window and you are six years old again and hide under the dark brown piano. winter has come to remind you of your darkest dreams, but you close your eyes and cannot be seen anymore (you are now four years old). you want to dream yourself away like you always have, escaping into worlds of blooming tulips and slow dances. winter is knocking at your door, so you make hot chocolate for two and decide to say hello (you are nineteen, and you have learned how to survive).
Oct 2023 · 181
things about normal people
ilias Oct 2023
you are angry at the world
because you expect things to change
without taking action yourself
Sep 2023 · 202
blues-day
ilias Sep 2023
sun beams fall through the ***** window
bits and pieces of smiles,
of cigarette smoke and cries,
the bus station people are busy
like your man, like your mind,
today’s air smells like afternoon rain
and heaven reaches you a hand

sun beams break through the cloudy sky
to steal your man and steal your mind
the eyes of strangers are deadly signs,
their blank stares call in the night
today all you touch feels like despair
and the floor sings you a lullaby
Sep 2023 · 57
august and losses
ilias Sep 2023
my arms wave in the wind
I am here alone
melting into a puddle of grey
the sea level has risen
and you cannot save me anymore
tonight the ocean will gain
another lost angel of august
Aug 2023 · 271
about a friend
ilias Aug 2023
I am still travelling to the places I never wanted to find you in.
You have been gone for far too many full moons.
The green doesn’t calm me down, the sun is not as warm anymore, the sea has no colour. I think I‘m going to suffocate.
stop haunting my mind, please
Aug 2023 · 80
your story
ilias Aug 2023
you were written by the universe
and all you‘ve ever wished for was
to be erased.
Aug 2023 · 170
our old friendship
ilias Aug 2023
we are unconscious stars
drifting apart in the same direction.
It‘s a silver line
we drew between ourselves
and the scars of our past. -
we’re not lovers and not passer-by’s
only connected through trauma
stored deeply inside of us

the night you were unresponsive
my eyes stared right into the abyss
I dare not to say I saw all the ghosts
but I did
neither did you vanish that night
oh, but I did.
it‘s a silver line
between death and life.

one breath away from eternity
your world would still be spinning
and in another universe
we would save ourselves,
we would be conscious stars
with a shared past and
fully healed scars.
i hope you heal.
Jul 2023 · 2.2k
childhood shapes
ilias Jul 2023
The sun warms my salty skin
and my pores open to let your love in.
I feel as beautiful as the ocean,
I am my greatest muse.
Today was a good day darling, see,
I have captured every second of my daydreaming,
pinned those very pictures to my wall.

And you wonder why I never get out of bed, though I keep talking about the colour palette of my romantic days.
Your wind has not shifted - but my winter has come. You can’t hear the children in me cry.

Suffocating happens through minor incidents like your softly spoken words searching for an affectionate listener.
I cannot breathe, my god, don‘t you understand?
Winter has come, and I am trapped in a fourteen-year-old‘s body trying to figure out where she went wrong.
It has been cold for a decade and the sun still burns holes in my chest.
I do not need you to understand, for you are my sun, my light, my temple. I need you to see the shadows in which I wander, the orphans I have left behind -
My skin has weathered, and I cannot find the right sunscreen to care for it.
Jul 2023 · 371
Rennen
ilias Jul 2023
Ich renne. Lautlos. Meine Füße berühren abwechselnd den Kies, ein paar Steinchen nehme ich kurz auf meinem Weg mit, danach bleiben sie einsam neben Anderen liegen.
In meinen Ohren ertönt der nicht endende Bass meiner Gedanken.  
   müde. müde. müde.
Es ist das Wissen um das Ankommen, das mich weiter antreibt. Ankommen, da wo der Wald den Himmel trifft. Ankommen, da wo der Regen unter mir immer noch fällt. Da, wo ich Ruhe finden werde.
Links und rechts wiegen sich die Bäume zu meinem Rhythmus im Wind. Alles pfeift mir zu. Das Rauschen des Flusses ist mein Applaus. Er gilt mir, und nur mir. Weil ich es bald geschafft habe.
Da wo das Brummen lauter wird, wird das Rauschen leiser. Die Menschheit ist wieder spürbar. Und ich laufe, laufe laut. Meine Arme strecken sich aus nach dem greifbaren Ziel.

Stillstand.

Einatmen, ausatmen, tief einatmen.
-
Meine Gedanken fallen vor mir. Und mit mir fällt das Leben.
Es kommt unten an und zerbirst in Millionen Scherben. Ich tue es ihm gleich.

Willkommen Unendlichkeit.
Jun 2023 · 68
STOP HAUNTING ME
ilias Jun 2023
i’m haunted by the ghosts of you
and the smell of your presence
in the school‘s bathroom
makes me choke.
you are everything that I once was
you carved me out like a pumpkin
and pegged the seeds up your wall
-
it must have been terribly lonely
not to be anything, not to be anyone
that‘s why you decided to take it all
from me

right?
people take my only passions and dreams and brag about them.
Jun 2023 · 3.3k
ode to my darkest dreams
ilias Jun 2023
i am dancing loudly
to the sounds of eternity,
sixty feet closer to the sun
sixty feet above the ground.
sun and moon are gone
but the lights are still flickering;
raindrops on the rail-
it’s water in the purest form,
mixed with the bittersweet
smell of the trees.
i am dancing quietly,
to humming car engines,
to the song of despair.
my flesh is made of burning soil
and stops my soul from emerging

‘‘hush baby,
with thy fall shall come thy rise“
Apr 2023 · 599
Finals are starting
ilias Apr 2023
tomorrow.
five hours between a hundred strangers, writing for my life.
my finals are starting, my hair is falling out, my self harm worsens and my anxiety is reaching for the stars.
tomorrow.
trying to decipher the text in front of me, that is not only black ink but letters and words, even sentences.
I need to calm down.
how do I calm down?
I am burning, crying, screaming.
I am hiding silently in my bed, knowing my body - loving as it is - provides me with enough bacteria to cough. my burning throat matches my inability to talk, to think, to see.
tomorrow.
the hours are counted, my life is not ending.
why is it not ending?
do I need it to stop?

please make it stop.
Feb 2023 · 549
friends?
ilias Feb 2023
it had been a slow day
it was summer, the heat was unbearable
you were knocking on my door
I was afraid, I didn’t want to open,
I wanted to slit my wrists and bleed out in bed

„oh hello lovely“
why can‘t I for once just write about something normal, I hate the mind of mine. I feel disgusting.
Feb 2023 · 91
unwanted
ilias Feb 2023
This inhuman behavior of not knowing
where to exist
put your feet outside
never come in again
stay outside, where the danger waits
come inside, feel the warmth of your family
sit and stay, go away
nowhere to go, restless feet
where am I able to exist?
ilias Feb 2023
i am dying in the moonlight
suffocating in all the dust
my mother left behind
Feb 2023 · 345
depression
ilias Feb 2023
the voices are telling me to
drown myself in the
waters of my body.
Feb 2023 · 83
disassociated
ilias Feb 2023
don't touch me,
she whispered,
I might not come back
Feb 2023 · 326
generational confusion
ilias Feb 2023
he couldn't see how she clenched her jaw to swallow her mothers servility;
and he would certainly never
understand
why she did not want to be torn apart
by the looks of virile men
ilias Aug 2022
i let myself fall
to leave all misery behind
and when I hit rock bottom
it felt like I could fly
Jul 2022 · 123
please, mother
ilias Jul 2022
mother, do you not see
i cannot go down this road
i feel your tears but mom,
today I need to burn

i tell it to the birds,
and the snakes in the wood
not trying to weep
but they don‘t even listen
they never did

mother, how can you not see
how many deaths I died
trying to live
Jul 2022 · 209
cry
ilias Jul 2022
cry
take me to the sea
and let me weep
Jul 2022 · 1.0k
i still suffer
ilias Jul 2022
answers to the question
i was never asked

yes, my brain is on fire
it burns at a million degrees
all those mistakes
that I’m made of
are slowly breaking free
like pompeji
i‘m buried underneath
the ashes suffocate me, still,
even if no one else can see
Jul 2022 · 82
endings
ilias Jul 2022
i run my fingers
through the many shades
of my life
and find a thousand
******-up memories of mine
so i take a gun
and shoot them down;
i **** my brain

one cell by one
Jun 2022 · 91
i shall learn
ilias Jun 2022
i shall learn to live through
the agony of summer,
through my wish to die;
but never do i feel whole,
mom i want to hide

for sure i will never know
how to cope with the pressure
of staying alive
Jun 2022 · 76
psych ward
ilias Jun 2022
I wanted to turn off my body
as if I were a light switch;
between
razor blades, books and sick people,
I stood there, unable to feel myself
and didn't understand that my behaviour should be the easiest to influence.
it feels impossible to change.
Jun 2022 · 1.5k
lakeside
ilias Jun 2022
here I am
dwelling in solitude
with the moon
by my side
i feel quite lonely. but it’s okay because I’m no good
May 2022 · 86
happy summers
ilias May 2022
these are vivid memories
from many moons ago
when neither depression nor
anxiety held me hostage

it has just been us two
little summertime sadness,
rather endless gratitude (for you)

like dead fish we
floated on the riverˋs surface
and it felt like magic

you made me feel as light as a bird
and i miss it

i miss us.
Feb 2022 · 81
i hate who i am
ilias Feb 2022
these lines will be filled with rage
with hatred against myself
against the disturbing thoughts and
the fragile bones of mine

i am made of shattered glass,
of mislead paths,
a bad child in a world
full of good people

my thoughts make me
a girl of hell
my actions a demon
possessing her beloved

my mother cries in agony
as her oldest
deprives herself of food and life
but deep inside she knows
this girl deserves it all
i do not belong.
i never have.
Feb 2022 · 195
grey days
ilias Feb 2022
i am laying in my
cold white blankets
with my eyes open
   all I can see is grey
i smell nothing but rotten
thoughts and bones
  i‘m trapped inside this body
this room, this life, and
i feel so weak,
so worthless,
even breathing hurts
Jan 2022 · 150
a good day
ilias Jan 2022
my hair sways in the wind
and I am free
upon the hills
under the greenest of trees
no blood in my veins
no skin on my bones
just the universe
inside of me
the last good day was two years ago.
Jan 2022 · 66
these memories
ilias Jan 2022
it isn‘t until you tear up again
that you remember the nights
where you have slept
shattered on the cold wooden floor

these moments where you
have begged the moon for
forgiveness and sleep

desperately trying not to
fall through the roof of the
room under yours

you try shutting down but
the memories flush against you
knocking you down like a tsunami
and you know that you will
never, never feel whole again
Jan 2022 · 267
irritated
ilias Jan 2022
And now I wander in the shadows of the sun
like a newborn I cry, searching for a sense of belonging
but the nights are what I fear the most
It‘s where the demons crawl under
The cold layers of my skin
soaking in of what is left of me
Dec 2021 · 288
tired
ilias Dec 2021
everything is alright
but nothing is okay
Nov 2021 · 169
you
ilias Nov 2021
you
your lips tasted
like bittersweet hell

and now I’m burning
like a glorious fire
as if I couldn‘t feel pain
May 2021 · 102
letting go
ilias May 2021
I can feel it
running down my throat
reddish slivers,
last scratches of hope
through my veins the
longing flows
to be buried underneath
our mother's coat
May 2021 · 81
photo series
ilias May 2021
I am a burning, fragile spine,
a dark pinch of art,
spending all hours of the night
waiting for familiar aches,
while the embers glow dimly
in my heart
May 2021 · 1.7k
mi amore
ilias May 2021
we seek beauty in our mortality,
in the circulation of the human blood
the agony of life lingers in our veins and
heats our frozen hearts,
and we find love in
the longing for death
Apr 2021 · 106
seventeen summers
ilias Apr 2021
my subtle heart is pounding
in a bell jar full of memoirs
as it falls from the heavy sky
- the last summer of stone
maybe it doesn't have to make sense
Apr 2021 · 454
canvas
ilias Apr 2021
painted my dreams in the air, and you were my muse
Apr 2021 · 75
comparisons
ilias Apr 2021
it has always saddened me
how they compared themselves,
twisting and turning every
inch of their bodies
until emptiness became necessity,
and necessity became torture

because the desire to fit into a body
that society had shaped for them
had grown in their hearts
like a tsunami deep down
in the darkest waters

how many tears have I shed
trying to understand how
intense their pain must be
that they denied what we call life
because they felt they already had
too much of it inside them
oh i wish you could see the value of thine, the beauty of your perfectly shaped body, your home.
Apr 2021 · 105
wall paint
ilias Apr 2021
with red cheeks
you hold the guns
like brushes in your hand
and in two silent seconds
you paint your brain on the wall

(and start to run)
Mar 2021 · 441
my clouds
ilias Mar 2021
I think about myself in gray,
like the concrete over which
the cars drive in an
endless loop
gray like the cloudy sky
that leaves no room
for being

i should rather think of myself
in blue,
like the ink that stains my hands,
or like the depth of the ocean,
where the mermaids hide

but I cannot see the colours in me
Mar 2021 · 96
homeless
ilias Mar 2021
we search ourselves
in others, desperate,
to find someone who shows us
how to live a life
Mar 2021 · 83
addiction
ilias Mar 2021
it's the maddening hunger
that runs down my spine,
my nerves, they are loose,
glowing like fireflies
I cut myself open for this glory pain,
like the sky opens itself
for the pouring rain
a reddish coat covers my pale skin
and I feel great
  I am sane, sane, sane
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