we search ourselves
in others, desperate,
to find someone who shows us
how to live a life

it's the maddening hunger
that runs down my spine,
my nerves, they are loose,
glowing like fireflies
I cut myself open for this glory pain,
like the sky opens itself
for the pouring rain
a reddish coat covers my pale skin
and I feel great
  I am sane, sane, sane

your glassy eyes
tirelessly staring at mine
   we both keep our lives
out of each other’s sight
still, we sleep in the same bed,
but our hearts do not beat
in the same rhythm, and
when we touch we cannot feel
    each other’s warmth

oh our tired bodies,
fighting against these constant
urges to run,
   far, far away from ourselves
and rain is pouring down our backs,
even when the sun
shines
  
but darling,
our love has ended many times
once in September, once in July
    we will find back to
    each other again,
when we’ll have crossed oceans
in search of our light
     maybe in June, maybe in May
our love will revive

[ I promise ]

the wind pulls at me
and I am surrounded
by whispering voices
something digs its claws
into my heart, churlishly
oh within it lurks
the mighty power of death,
and I too burn for its desire

how I crave for
this kind of destruction
call me the fire of the wind
for I will give it all my light

All the brightness of the sun cannot
take my desire
to run my fingers through
the blue flame
how magnificent my hair burns,
and how magical this ease
with which my whole is being consumed
by you, reddish wolverine
you own me, I am thine

my ash shall
go with the wind
a pinch over the coastline
and the residue
over the weeping grass
light the fire in the sky
and I will be fine

I, with barely opened eyes
see, how your atrocious glory spies
through the half-opened window
  but my paltry, languid soul calls for rest,
  in her old and weathered skin,
  and would she sway in the wind,
  she for sure would loose herself
god, close the curtains and let me dream
I need to sleep, sleep, sleep

I decay in white rivers
   next to my mothers house
the old, green coat of yours
still covers all of your skin
but the wind took you from me
   and left me utterly naked
with parched veins here I lie
   above you the ground, above me the sky

and we are vulnerable,
shattered, and the
hills sleep in silence
oh it is magic,
our tiny feet
in the soft grass
dancing to the beat
in this world of glass

no days fill our hearts with only love
how could it be different, in a world like ours,
where distant countries are flooded by dead bodies
or even next door, in silent hours,
where our neighbours are
stabbing themselves to death
oh, we all are named brothers and sisters erroneously!
repress, repress, good old boy,
for it is the only option left
the dust of the fallen, mixed with leaden joy
but my heart is bitterly cold!
I am vanished like used munitions
and war seems to never end

within these holy walls my soul shall rise
still, I wear the smell of death like a perfume
a mind of both faith and sorrow
endlessly writing in runes
and the ink stains my translucent hands
all the blue and green of my veins
I cannot stand the fluent life in my body
maybe I shall bleed out

and with the first blossoms there came rain,
and it rained,
oh it rained endlessly long

and far, far away there is eternity
still, I am horribly limited, but
one day, my friend, I will rise
I will be on the other side of the universe

and as I caught myself breaking
into a million pieces, the sun began
to multiply
almost like glass, I thought unimpressed,
but let it be my heart

thus you walked down
the holy aisle, all alone
and I see, the rotten coat your
skeleton has worn for eternity
is now severed from your soul
and you are enlightened,
you fathom the complexity
that arouses in the layers of your skin

what an eloquent way to
no longer suffocate in the
impalpable sepulchre of life,
but to be salvaged again

out of your fingertips it flows
the dark blue river
to swallow the sun and
destroy the paper towns
you could never bond with
the simplicity of things,
neither with the universe
nor with yourself
so you try to let the
flood decide over
what‘s going to vanish
and what‘s going to stay

My drenched socks
the cold rain
the music playing
our overcast sky
outside, on the rooftop
without any warmth
just the endless
darkness of life
all wrapped up
in my little brain
and my throat hurts
but my breath still
forms white wisps
and I couldn‘t be
more dead
at least for tonight
because tomorrow
I will even die twice

we will count the stars
tonight,
even if the sky is
veiled by bitter dust
he is just the same
as you and me,
an emotionally neglected
living being
fed by the
hungry eyes of
little, unlined people
who are willing
to give

all the dead sunflowers
in my mind
they were drowning
in the vacuum
I gave them up
to see them
loosing their
blossoms
and I felt so
incredibly powerful
as I drowned
myself too

I am freezing, shivering, I am so cold.
The lights went out long before and the sun is slowly setting and nothing will ever be okay again.
Curtains? Closed.
Jul, please stop crying. Yes, our hands are embraced but as if one of us could ever give the other one halt. No, this time is not different than the other times, you are still crying, mum still shouting, dad still working, and I am still breathing. But I wish it was. Different.
We both feel the tension in our never-resting minds, all this muddled energy in our heads.
The room, yours, is not filled with enough air at all, and mum is breathing so heavily that I am worried she might get a heart attack when she‘ll continue on raging.
We‘re in a theatre, mum is the director and she loves to see us burning on the screen.
Until the very end.
-
Hey mum, I didn‘t recognise you, good that you are yourself again. I was worried you might never again turn into the less-stressed but still stressed-to-death person that you were before your fit of rage.
Jul look, now you‘ve made mum cry, what a misery she created.
Now the sun is gone, curtains are still closed but mum is with us again and you are still crying but this time it is your problem, right?

above all echos,  
here I stand
with spread arms
it took me long to realise
I am strong
I overcame sysiphus
now here I stand
convincing myself
that it was faith
that led me here
to the hills of serendipity

against the wall
little bird
red, red, red
again and again
where is your head?
again and again
you turn purple
red bird
but your anger
has always, always
been unheard

I lie in meter-high snow
like a ghost
my hair is drenched,
my vision blurred,
my eyes are closed
white crystals all over
the reddish coat
the black veil swallows
my cold breath
Oh, winter wonderland

Always on the run;
away from
your presence,
my absence
and all the stories
we didn’t tell each other
I‘m on the run;
away from
your glories,
my worries
and all the things
that teared us apart

I‘m done

The parched soul
Yours, which now rests above
Look,
Our eyes tear lifeless;
Arrows through the ripped-out heart.
The almighty pain,
How it tears us apart.
Who are these cabals,
The desecrators of finiteness,
Driven by divine voices?
Oh, come back darling

i still dream of you,
good old oak,
from day one.
the seasons change,
and I still picture you
standing there,
under the golden sun;

and one day,
I‘ll rush headlong
into your opened arms.
But for now, you‘re
just another
perfectly written,
but unsung song;

I promise you,
one day I‘ll come
to see you there,
ten miles away,
under the golden sun.
I’m waiting, patiently,
for my grief to be gone

the stars crumbled
in nightly monologues
and behind closed eyes
the moon dust
started melting
into waterfalls

It‘s four a.m. ,
my lungs still breathe
you in and out
and my heart still aches
for yours

I think with a heavy heart
about the futile attempts
to persuade you to live

once again the sun has
drawn her curtains
but this time I‘m not sure
if she‘s gonna make it
through the night

in shadows of
abandoned cities  
and amongst
shooting stars
captured by glaring
street lights we
found ourselves
again

I drew a painting
of us two
believing it wasn‘t
only blind fate
leading us trough
wrathful waves

Blood is freezing
in blazing veins
Fog enveloping the
empty shell of mine
Please, do not cry
it‘s a natural process
Ancient bodies are
fading over time

The piano keys
are being struck
and virtuous chimes
are flying trough
listener‘s opened doors
Her tender hands touch
deepest emotions of
a whole rough world
while she‘s uniting
sophisticated souls

My old eyes follow
the mystic shade
of your red waving cape
that’s vanishing into
paper towns