I wake up at morning light
with no more will left to fight
I look in the mirror at a face
I've never been able to embrace
I told my self yesterday, todays a new day
but always knew that was a cliche
I don't want pain, I want to be better
but night comes and then I surrender

a hit here and a hit there
a sip here and a sip there

maybe this hole is deeper than I remember

I love myself in a toxic way
but I still love myself
right?

love me
I promise you will live forever
I am an artist and you are my distant muse
my art is timeless because it's sprouted from our love
as long as someone keeps reading, we will be alive

I know you are my muse, and I have met you in every life time
but this life time is the closest we have ever been
yet we are still not close enough
but maybe
just maybe...
in the next one
at last we will be united
the circle will be complete
my heart will rest
but for now just continue loving me
and I will continue waiting

Words jammed in my head since the day you left
the only way to free them is with a bottle or hit
I'm tired of crying our story to others
I tell the universe every day to send me a new person
I tell them I am ready
I know I am not ready because if I was I would not be asking
I want to yell I want to cry
I want to laugh I want to smile
I want to release myself from you
I want to let the words rush onto this screen
I want to express my soul but i don't know how

I want someone to read my poems because these are my truly unspoken words
I want someone to understand every thought out analogy
know these are the words that never leave the sea of thoughts in my head
I want someone to fall in love with the words that I string together rather than the curves of my body
I want someone to fall in love with deep meaningful words i lock away for only those worthy of hearing them
I want someone to read my poems i write and stay for a little longer than just a while
just long enough to understand that i am capable of emitting a love so enriching that can only be felt from mothers nourishing love
I crave a love that craves me
I crave a person that will read my poems

Time has driven us our own ways
Leading us back to square one, making a full circle
Both back to being strangers
I held on to the precious memories we shared for as long as I could until I realized they no longer belonged to either of us
They belong to the past
I never thought I could let go but I did
at least I still have the poems I wrote you
just for a split second remind me how it felt loving you
Now I am okay with letting go of you
as I let you go I am also letting go a part of me that I let you have
I will never stop loving you but one day I will realize I love someone more

we fell in love the fall weather
the weather was cold but your touch was warm
now gusts of winds come and go like memories of us
reminding me of the absence of your warmth
I want nothing more than the embrace of your arms
I want nothing more than you
But I know that just like the weather you were cold
You kept me warm on the outside but left me empty on the inside
But I still loved you
I became addicted to the feelings of comfort you brought me against the chills of the season.
I wanted nothing more than you by my side.

First lie you told me:
1. "ill love u forever <3"

My life has turned into an old scratched and torn up record
The routine repeats its self
the lessons play over and over again until learned
The people don't change
when the sun sets the moon rises
The moon fades, the sun comes up
Then I listen to the same old record play all over again.

hours, days, weeks, months
I used to see you every day for hours
Those days soon turned to weeks
Now its been months without your presence in my life
The scent of you that used to linger on my clothes has faded
The taste of your lips no longer visits mine
The sound of your sweet voice no longer resonates in my head
You, the person that promised to never leave me has left.
You gave me back my heart in shattered pieces
As much as I'd like to blame you for what you did you are not to blame
I should have never given you my happiness for as it was never yours to have
I tried so hard to grasp onto the memories we shared but now I've learned to hand them over to the past
I am slowly starting to be grateful for the memories we shared rather than remembering them in pain and vain
I revisit our old spots in hopes that one day it no longer hurts me that you are not with me
I am so happy for my growth but it been hard
Whoever tells you its not hard to let go of someone you loved
Has never loved.
I am learning to love you again but from a distance
I am learning not to hate you
I am learning to move on without you
I am learning to not hurt because of you
I learned you are not the person I wrote those poems for I never really knew you.
The love you had for me was full of venom but I was too in love to see.

What happened to the person I fell in love with where did he go?
I remember those late nights and promises that now seem so long ago
You gave me your world even when I told you I wasn't ready to give you mine
You told me "hold on" not to worry and that I'd be just fine.
Over the months you showed me highs that no drug could give me
Until one day you did not care for me.
I miss you but not you i left
I understand that life has now sentenced me
When will it stop
where does it end

In a world full of chaos you find happiness
The happiness you find is in something you've created and nourished for years
You love what you see and you love it with every inch of your mind, soul and, body
The love is reciprocated on many occasion when the suns rays radiate
But on rare occasion, there are clouds that obstruct the beautiful rays of the sun
On those cloudy days, everyone can see that your shimmering aura has been dullened
Is your happiness hurting you?
Is your happiness leaving you?
Dark days lead to dark thoughts
You are not to blame you are human and we all feel the same.
The sun will choose when to shine bright
And those days the sun seems to have failed you
The dark clouds will teach you a new part of yourself
But in the meantime, your happiness will be there waiting for the dark clouds to dissipate
Your happiness will not forget you
the sun will go back to beaming and shedding happiness throughout your life
to reassure you, you will be alright

Every minute spent with you is blissful and filled with peace
your eyes lock me into a paradise that no ones knows about but us
your smile makes all my worries blend into the rest of the problems of the world
you hold me tight enough to make up for all the lost hugs I never got that I needed
you hold my hand with a tight grip that reminds me of your reassured love
our drive home is quiet because we both know we will have to go our separate ways
you obey the speed limits and make complete stops
allowing each car in sight go before us as an excuse to spend a little more time together
our day started carefree and cheerful but we both know its a race against time
my paradise is allusive because it all goes away with one word and a last kiss
silence allows just enough time for thoughts to start building up in our heads
But for me, the only thought that crosses my mind is when will I see you again
and why must I go back to a place that I call home that doesn't feel like it
I get out of the car and look at you wishing I could reverse the clock just to be able to have just one more hour with you
the irony of it all is that I have to leave my home to go to my house
I kiss you and say the one word that creates my paradise allusive

I want to be okay
I want to be perfect
Every day I reiterate the words those with confidence preach
Over the years I've learned to be kind
But I started a war with myself at the age of nine
Every day I would fight my demons
Some days they would win and leave me bleeding
I have won and I have lost
Now I think everything good comes with a cost
I want to love fully and deeply without hesitation
How can I though when I have been let down on so many occasions
I'm scared but I want to love and be loved
Am I ready? Or will I be misjudged
Sometimes I want to scream and shout
I want to give up and ask someone to let me out
I wait for the day that I will not wish to be home while I sit in the place that I call my house
I want to be free and I want to be me
I want to breathe without retrain
I don't want any feelings being retained
I want to fly high
and go beyond the sky
I want to love what I see in my mirror
and to be able to see everything clear
I want to be okay
but I don't want to be perfect
I want to be okay
I want to be happy

Every word you allow escape your lips that you've dedicated to me resonate within
Every glance you take at me burns a new memory of you into my mind
Every delicate touch you give me sends waves of electricity to all the corners of my body

Your love, your love is like no other;
silky, smooth, no bumps nor resistance
I've not only learned to love you yet, the kind of love you give
I have been taught lessons in the form of rituals throughout my whole life but you've taken that and started to teach me discrete ways of thinking and I like it

I like you, I like your eyes, your smell, and your touch.
I like the way you think and the way you talk
The way you effortlessly string your words together and connect your thoughts to those who surround you

Every second we are together I never fail to stop studying you
what is it about you that I love most?
is it your smile or your eyes
is it your laugh or your voice
is it your generosity or empathy
is it your mind or your body
I have come to understand that I will never stop studying you because you are different and ignite new revelations in my mind  
And I think that is why I am in love

I miss when I was 6 and my parents would say let's go on a random adventure
I miss when I was 7 and would say I will one day be an inventor
I miss when I was 8 back when I thought everyone was my friend
I miss when I was 9 and thought the fun could never have an end
age 10 the fun started becoming harder to find
age 11 why did everyone stop being so kind?
age 12 I wanted a break
age 13 my heart started to ache
age 14 I felt invisible and wanted to disappear
age 15 was not my year
age 16 I became friends with different kinds of bottles
age 17 I started comparing myself to models
After 18 years of being alive, I am finally starting to get to know someone I will share an eternal love with
I am me for me and no one else
I love me for me and no one else
I am okay and will always be okay