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idk Aug 2013
i feel alone often, vaccant like no one can see me but i can see everything else thats going on around me & that nothing i do is relevent idk i have those days where i just isolate the thought of being isolated & ik how u feel my bestfriend ditched for another person & found another bff too & idk it made me sad for the longest & still does & its ****** bc were not close anymore & i miss us being close you know, idk i miss the memories i think thats the big thing & the lesson u get out of things, the memories mean more than the events themselves, dependent on the situation
i wrote this a while ago, advice to someone else, and now seeing what i've learned is fascinating
idk Aug 2013
and i mean its me and you
two complete opposites  
in the matter of knowing what we want
besides the fact that we want each other
going different ways in life
and wanting different things
having it different ways
but wanting things to stay the same
living with the reality that things might never go back to the way they were
i'm content with the idea of never knowing
and you're consistent that i try and figure it out
figure myself out
but i can't
not right now
idk Aug 2013
cause your insides cant be quiet
and the inner screams to let go,
to move on without you and you beg for that internal part to stop,
to stop intertwining with the thoughts within to have a mind of its own, you, realizing that the mind of its own is the mind that you, and it both controls,
you know how that works, your comfort of understanding and of how to believe,
you'll become the part inside of you that you'll strive to reach but can't,
that knowledge deep down within you've lived with for years ,
a knowledge you cant break or act like you don't know now,
a knowledge you cant get away from,
the teachings of right and wrong and YOU wanting to be rebellious brought you to this place,
this place in your heart, and your mind where you know now,
you have to give your soul a reason to do ITS thing,
to show it its there for a reason too,
your soul being Switzerland in this battle between right and wrong the whole time,
your mind realizing that its time to let go,
and the happiness is painful, but comforting and you like that feeling,
so you go with it, and sell your soul to be let with nothing but good things, and you're happy, for now, wondering how long it will last
idk May 2014
make me sure of myself.
make this feeling go away.
make me wanna love myself
cant keep doing this
these feeling's keep resurfacing and not facing them is making situations to much to handles
i start to feel the veins popping out of my hands again
like dehydration
but its not the lack of water/
its the lack of me, myself, of self reassurance
idk Oct 2013
my path to self destruction
not going to start this off as a nostalgic way of telling you a sappy sad story of how i wasn't this way and how one event,
something,
led up to me feeling this way,
although maybe,
in the slightest way that'd help YOU'D understand,
it doesn't help the inner part in me that needs to get these raging,
burning,
thoughts out of her head, MY HEAD
the way i think about things now,
the way my mind rejects anything that's primarily anything that's somewhat,
the least bit good, and not the goodness as in the laughter that can brighten your mood,
but the outcast feeling,
the feeling of always being isolated,
of knowing that you'll never really have anyone to count on,
that no one will ever really be listening to what you're saying because no one really has the time to dig down deep into your mind,
to understand what you're really thinking,
and those people that have been there, they know,
they sense what you're going through, and they want to help,
they want to tell you it'll be okay,
but how the **** are you going to sit and tell me, someone who's going through the exact same things as you that its going to be okay when you're at rock bottom just like me
when you want to burn your feelings and make them drown, and choke like you're doing everyday with the thoughts that haunt you,
that cloud your mind with thoughts that are so dark you have to close your eyes, and shut the darkness out so it doesn't affect you in the way it normally does,
the way you're used to,
so you're forced to find another way to make a gateway for the pain to escape
you will never be able to
idk Jul 2014
i don't wanna fall in love.
i don't want to completely give every part of myself to someone
i don't want to share myself
my every achin need with someone else
call me selfish
call me scared
call me relentlesss
call me daring
call me afraid

call me all of the things you were afraid to say
i was the girl in the background
the dark alley
looking at you with her
cuddled up in the corner with your tounge down her throat and her feverishly keeping up to beat

wondering how she could give herself to someone like that
wondering what compelled her to want to make her lips touh yours
was it lust?
was it love?
was it something that you could get back as often as you gave it out.
little did i know that things i'd find out sooner tha later
idk Aug 2013
and i cringed
and ill cry
and ill wait it out
ill rethink it
ill give in because its what everyones wants
and because you say
"you're young, you have no choice anyway"
idk Aug 2013
baby its been a long day
and i cant sleep
up thinking about you
and counting "sheep"
meaning the demons in my mind that surround my thoughts with negativity
each and every step of the way
they're right there
every turn
every twist
every fall
they're right there,
to follow me, to make sure i keep them in my head
to make sure i don't forget the person i used to be
to make those thoughts come back in a split second without impulse
to make my stomach cringe
keeping it knotting up to make sure i feel the pain
to have my throat dry as having cotton mouth from the first time we smoked together,
and eyes water like rain drops we felt during our first kiss
such things in my mind,
the power they have over me
i guess they just need somebody to love them to
just as i used to love you
idk Aug 2013
looking into her eyes
i could tell it told a stroy
a rare thing
told me everything she was afraid of
that look on her face told it all
but most importantly
the one thing i remember as clear as crystal
those blue eyes that drowed my sorrows away and made me think of something
someone
other than myself for once
they told me id never understand
little did she understand ive been through the same she'd been trough
fought the same battles
lingered apon the same questions and wondered the same thoughts
pictured the same scenerios in my head that we wanted to happen
and even thought about things the same way
it was perfect
i knew her just as well as she knew me
from just her eyes i could see the bittter past she wasnt willing to share
and the eager future she was excited about continuing
but loosing hope because everyone had shot down her dreams
fearless but had the courage that someday shed let all of the bad thoughts go
shed get rid of the deomns for good
she win the game of life
she knew she had it in her
the resononing behind becoming a better person for herself
felt good because she knew it wasnt for anybody else
although looking into her eyes i saw
hatred
jealousy
betrayl
traits i noticed
things id been familiar with and i just wanted to tell her weveall been there
to not trust every single person you meet
to take off that elecrtic smile that brightened up the room
to not open up so easily to those who were being nosey and desperate to break into the source of someone elses problems to cast away the shawdows of theirs for just a  
moment
to not run off with the boy who had the pretty smile and differet personality because he ends up being the same guy as the rest
to tell her to turn around and notice the nice guy
the guy who cared about her all along who would do anything for her
protect her and fight for her no matter what
but no matter what she wouldnt listen
she wanted the bad guy
figured he knew a way to make the  
pain go away
and indeed he did
which made more pain present in those eyes that were once as blue as the ocean
turn as black as the sky on a night there are no stars to look opon
i wanted to tell her all the things growing up i wish i  knew
looking into her eyes i saw that reflection staring back at me and telling myself
"im that little girl that once was you"
idk Aug 2013
and the cuts resemble more than her mouth ever could
she understand each and every one
she could relate to pain
she could relate to the marks on her arms
each and everyone
she knew that the pain helped fill the void of the sadness
the loneliness
the way she wore the long sleeve shirts
they way they'd all ask way
the more she'd look away and say
"nothing"
"i'm just cold"
"don't worry about it"
or simply look away
sometimes walk out of room  
more and more
took more and more pills
trying to find a way to cover up the pain
and screaming because of the conflicting the voices

her parents
she could hear them screaming from her room
that's when she'd cut even DEEPER

pain and relief was all that came out of it
it was enough
the blood gushing out of  her arm
was a sign that she'd done it
she's found a way
it seemed to all go away
when she dug the razor deeper into her arm

turned white
idk Oct 2013
every action has an equal and opposite reaction
love and hate
joy
disgrace
idk Aug 2013
my happiness dripped away
like caramel on a crisp apple
on an apple during fall
falling WAS what it felt like
to me at least
falling out of once was once love
which was now hate
which surrounded my thoughts with hate
not hate on myself but the face that everyone
else around me was happy
or at least had a masquerade make on that hid the scars
they decided to hide
the thing about it is
at first,
the sweetness you feel
the pull
the pull of every word they say is something special
magical
feels like the want of hunger
the hurt of pain
and from the beginning you KNOW
how it all ends
idk Aug 2013
i can replay the conversations in my head a millions times
picture your laughter
the loud chuckle they said always bothered everyone
said you were too loud
to obnoxious, annoying
i loved it
loved when you laughed
it was that i loved something about you that everyone else seemed to despise
and that's why you loved me
i could see through all your insecurities and doubts
idk Aug 2013
will you still love me
when we grow old
when my hands are wrinkled
when you can tell my memories faded
when you ask me something and i forget it
when you ask me if i love you
and i nod
when we sit across from each other
at the dinner tables we've had for 40 years
the legs broken but using books to hold it up  
embracing all the years we've spent together
we talk about the times we snuck out
about our first kiss
and the way my lips fit perfectly into your lips
how we talked about our future
together
and now were sitting here together
saying
forever
idk Aug 2013
i see the worst in the best
and i cancel out every idea of perfection to focus on the negative prefixes of things i cant change
ill sit here and watch and let it happen because i do nothing to make myself seem useless
watching everything happen to make myself seem like i had no choice
so i don't blame myself
so i can't say its my fault
i don't want the guilt
id rather be guilty for someones elses pain than the suffer the consequences of my own  
id literally sit back and watch you be killed than to sit back and watch myself destroy myself
i'm the monster and the victim at the same time
i'm the angel and the devil
choice of being the bad guy but having the intentions of a good guy with thoughts of demons interrupting the outer parts of my mind to make me change my mind
to make me see things by myself
to make me realizing i'm ruining myself
rather ruin myself than ruin you
you're the only thing i have left
the only sense of a conscious left in my soulless body i strive to find a bit
a piece
a crumb
of soul left
something to inspire me and tell me that my own self worth is more than my self pity
idk Dec 2013
and maybe ill go back and rethink every heart wrenching decision that ever came across my mind
anything that ever affected me in any way that made me change my thinking
when im wrong and i cant handle it
when i sit in complete darkness and thing about you
but i think about the comfort that im  not feeling with you here
im thinking about if you were to be here and them comfort i still wouldn't feel and how that would make me cringe and cry and never want you and make me need you and realize that the things that i want aren't the things  i need
its a change in the security of the things of need
a thing in the displacement of the things i need to feel that void in my heart
its like waking up and needing you by my side but when i see you there i realize that i just wanted that physical aspect of seeing your face to fill the void of everything i couldn't handle
not the meaning inside of myself not knowing what i want right when i want it
its the simple thing as if not having you there is enough
its the self reliance i need to feel to make sure that me, myself is good enough with having enough comfort in myself to know how to handle situations alone
being alone and knowing how to handle things alone without needing you by my side
mentally, and emotionally
and ill look you in the eyes
and tell you that i need you
and look in the mirror
and stare at my reflection
in realization that i've needed myself a lot more all along
and you can ask how im going to be without you
and i have a good sense that ill be fine
until you find someone else to write about and call mine
this was a spill sort of ramble so tell me your thoughts idk
idk Aug 2013
the color red
the color of blood
bloodshot eyes from the night before
trying things you said you never would
doing things you said you never would
your mind said beware of those people
the ones with the pretty smiles
the "i dont care personalities"
you didn't listen
but who does
no one likes listening
would rather go against anything
that's the type of person you are
the red shirt
blood stains on the sheets
unrippened tomatoes
all that was red brought back the worst memories
used to hate those memories
but then you went away
said you'd be back, and somewhere in the back of my mind i knew it was a lie
i ****** up the guilt
the in the back of my mind thinking
"it's because of me"
held back the tears
and let you go
letting you being one the best things
because not so bitter over you anymore
found someone new
and
realizing that i used to hate the color red
because of you
and now i hate the color blue
because i'm realizing that the hurt and pain
of everything ending
is all so new
idk Aug 2013
wasn't a big deal when i was joking about it
thought they'd never notice
ha
we'd ALL joke about it
"it'll never happen to us"
in the back of my mind,
"it'll never happen to me"
"i'd NEVER do that"
heavens forbid no i'm a good girl
yeah
"who would do that to themselves"
until the day the pain was to strong
and the medicine wasn't enough
and the blade wasn't sharp enough
and not eating wasn't getting you skinny enough
and everyone around you
the one that said they loved you the most
said they'd do ANYTHING for you
now in your mind, the hypocritical ones
telling you they could do nothing to help you
while others walked away without understanding of what was really going on
and you'd sit alone
with the mindset that you'd go nowhere
miserable
wondering how you could help yourself
without the support of no one else but reality of searching everywhere for someone other than yourself
but not finding anyone else but yourself
when you looked in the mirror
and the only word you could imagine to describe yourself
your self esteem
your body
your personality
was hate
went through your mind that you HATED every little thing about yourself
brutal realization isn't enough
you don't KNOW ENOUGH until you've HAD ENOUGH
and come to the realization that the addiction tot he pain will always be enough because your prone to the feeling of what you know
is the pain
you LOVE
idk Aug 2013
the freckles on your face correspond with the many invasions of emotions contracting one another like the plans spinning around,
day by day and us
humans  
not showing much respect
we sit back worrying
trying to cover up our freckles
our insecurities
while we should be trying to preserve,
yet were so clueless with the results
that we love clueless
we love the outcome
idk Aug 2013
they always say confidence is key
but what if the lock is broken
always saying that the perfect image makes you liked
continuously impressing yourself
to hopefully fulfill the void of having the image of somebody else
idk Sep 2013
i feel alone
alone as in being self destructive in a way i've never felt before
disconnected from the world around me and from so many others i thought i was so close with
not socially but mentally
but the metal mindset has a deeper understanding with the understanding of another with connecting and disconnecting with that can not always bring a warning along
i knew that
Maybe it was the way i thought about things and the way how we were so different
you were so enthusiastic and happy
had a shield as a smile and always so bubbly
i was the sad one
always the one over thinking everything in the corners
hearing people screaming my names but shaking my head
nodding saying i'm fine
excusing myself EVERY ******* CHANCE I GOT
never really knew what to expect
and i became anxious
still am
shaky at times
when i cant figure myself out
when i don't know where i'm going or where i should be
i break down
i think about all the time i've spent alone
and say **** it
i've spent this much time alone
i don't need anyone else
idk Oct 2013
its was looming
a thing in my mind
a reality that was an actuality to the reasoning behind so many things i've always doubted
the baseline of all the problems i've encountered
the things i could never figure out but along the way i saw signs
a light there and a movement here
a way of telling me that everything was happening for a reason
but im stubborn
and not to good with cliches
knowing the fact between my decision making and how i could fix anything gave me the impression that i was in control of my life
in control of me well being
in constant dis pare of what i was doing
was always hard to understand how i could control how i think
but always so hard to figure out why i am always so sad
not like im asking for the sadness to sweep through my body
don't want to think the worst and always have the worst intentions in mind
a memory
a flash
of something ive never known
had me going back and considering the things ive always once wanted
going back to the beginning of how i managed to come across my possibilities at one point
and how i got so far away from what i really wanted in the beginning
idk Aug 2013
happiness is rare
sadness is to often
when those moments when you have a smile
a smirk
the slightest bit of something making something a little bright for you
you take it
selfishly
you don't wait ((save it)) for a rainy day
no
you've had to many
sad days
depressed days
and you just want someone
something
a sign
to tell you its all going to be ok
to have happiness wrap her arms around you and tell her shes staying
but of course not
she walks away
and says maybe next time
and you knowing that there isn't going to be a next time
idk Aug 2013
i used to be the girl who didn't eat,
the girl with the voice in the back of her mind tell her awful things about herself
i was the girl who didn't want anyone elses help
refused it
the way my friends looked at me
made me proud
proud to know i knew something they didn't
proud to know i was hiding something
often they'd ask
"are you hungry?"
"why aren't you eating?"
"you're not turning anorexic are you?"
and even coming from your friends those words can hurt
and you can shake it off
smirk it off
walk away
but knowing a little of that was a bit of truth made me all clear to you
they knew
they said
"i'm only trying to help"
yeah trying to help me get fat
i thought
those demons in my mind
the way i looked at myself in the mirror
all i saw
HATE
my legs
to huge
hated them
my stomach
brings me back to that summer day
i was ready
ready to swim
and was finally feeling confident
had just bought a new bikini and was so excited
put my new bikini on
and my cousin comes in and says
"you're stomach is disgusting'
do you know how that feels to have someone say you're stomach is disgusting
made me feel ******
made me feel insecure
as insecure as id ever been
i covered up from there on
i stayed in
i made sure no one saw me
i kept cover
and until this day
i'm still that girl
with the thoughts that haunt me and tell me
"no one hates you more than you hate yourself"
"you're stomach is disgusting"
"you're fat, worthless, useless"
and until this day i struggle with the reality of ever living up to MY reality
of looking in the mirror and seeing what i want to see
and dreading the fact that ill never be
the girl with the pretty smile, so skinny and perky personality
and even those girls
have so much (on the inside) you don't see
a little story about my past, opening up a little i'll admit, i wish i could still be the girl i used to be, happy, but i know ill never fully get back to that place, makes me strive harder to get to that place, but the more i strive its like taking a step forward and fifty steps back
idk Aug 2013
right now
sitting here
i'm thinking about being the same
im thinking about changing who i am to impress
im thinking about you
i'm thinking about the distance between us
im thinking about death
im thinking about church
im thinking about conspiracy
im thinking about how you can walk away from something that meant so much to you
and say it meant nothing
when you called me your everything
but remembering that sometimes everything turns into nothing
Thinking about how i want you back
but thinking about why were not together in the first place
because i'm not romantic enough
and how i wanted to keep us private
thinking about how i ****** things up
and thinking about how to put things back together
thinking about how to find myself throughout all of the thinking
and how going to sleep brings me more relief than being awake
idk Aug 2013
thought about it
time and time again
had it all planned out
on paper
in her head
she was just waiting for the day
convinced no one could change her mind
decided her mind was set

friends and family laughed around the dinner table
wondering where she was
thought it was just another night she'd say she wasn't hungry
idk Nov 2013
he said
"tell me how you feel,
really feel, not the ******* you tell them, "your friends",
tell me whats really on your mind and why you're really like this,
why you have tears running down you face and when i slightly make a joke the tears seem to go away but as soon as i walk away
I KNOW
they'll come right back, just worse than before,
tell me why you seem to lose it around everyone when you can't handle what's really going on,
tell me why when i see the smile on your face and you look down, i can see the pain you're hiding,
tell me WHY you dragged me here to listen to you sob and tell me everything's alright, when i know its not"
idk Oct 2013
TYPE
the importance of what you like and don't in a relationship
the things that can make it or break it for you
the things that mean more to you than the actual personality or the traits the person you closet admire might have
the things you don't notice because you're lost looking into their eyes
your captured by their individual words, coming together, one by one
taken by the way they say things
captivated by the way they think, and how they can make you think the same things just by re-wording their words into yours
something i, personally like
when someone can take words, my own therefore
and transform them into something that'll make me want to agree with WHATEVER they're saying
but not only want to agree
but want to fall in love with their words BECAUSE they make my words combine with theirs to form a transparent kind of love
a combined love with words separated and put back together based on view
The way of thinking and the way your mindset is connected
how its combined and you almost think the same and say the same things
repeat it after, and time again,
share the same thoughts
you're both on that level of common interest
common ground
interested in each other and each others self values as much as personal value
idk maybe this was worded weirdly & awkwardly idk flew out & wrote it so lemme know your thoughts

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