he said
"tell me how you feel,
really feel, not the ******* you tell them, "your friends",
tell me whats really on your mind and why you're really like this,
why you have tears running down you face and when i slightly make a joke the tears seem to go away but as soon as i walk away
I KNOW
they'll come right back, just worse than before,
tell me why you seem to lose it around everyone when you can't handle what's really going on,
tell me why when i see the smile on your face and you look down, i can see the pain you're hiding,
tell me WHY you dragged me here to listen to you sob and tell me everything's alright, when i know its not"

i feel alone
alone as in being self destructive in a way i've never felt before
disconnected from the world around me and from so many others i thought i was so close with
not socially but mentally
but the metal mindset has a deeper understanding with the understanding of another with connecting and disconnecting with that can not always bring a warning along
i knew that
Maybe it was the way i thought about things and the way how we were so different
you were so enthusiastic and happy
had a shield as a smile and always so bubbly
i was the sad one
always the one over thinking everything in the corners
hearing people screaming my names but shaking my head
nodding saying i'm fine
excusing myself EVERY ******* CHANCE I GOT
never really knew what to expect
and i became anxious
still am
shaky at times
when i cant figure myself out
when i don't know where i'm going or where i should be
i break down
i think about all the time i've spent alone
and say **** it
i've spent this much time alone
i don't need anyone else

and i cringed
and ill cry
and ill wait it out
ill rethink it
ill give in because its what everyones wants
and because you say
"you're young, you have no choice anyway"

looking into her eyes
i could tell it told a stroy
a rare thing
told me everything she was afraid of
that look on her face told it all
but most importantly
the one thing i remember as clear as crystal
those blue eyes that drowed my sorrows away and made me think of something
someone
other than myself for once
they told me id never understand
little did she understand ive been through the same she'd been trough
fought the same battles
lingered apon the same questions and wondered the same thoughts
pictured the same scenerios in my head that we wanted to happen
and even thought about things the same way
it was perfect
i knew her just as well as she knew me
from just her eyes i could see the bittter past she wasnt willing to share
and the eager future she was excited about continuing
but loosing hope because everyone had shot down her dreams
fearless but had the courage that someday shed let all of the bad thoughts go
shed get rid of the deomns for good
she win the game of life
she knew she had it in her
the resononing behind becoming a better person for herself
felt good because she knew it wasnt for anybody else
although looking into her eyes i saw
hatred
jealousy
betrayl
traits i noticed
things id been familiar with and i just wanted to tell her weveall been there
to not trust every single person you meet
to take off that elecrtic smile that brightened up the room
to not open up so easily to those who were being nosey and desperate to break into the source of someone elses problems to cast away the shawdows of theirs for just a  
moment
to not run off with the boy who had the pretty smile and differet personality because he ends up being the same guy as the rest
to tell her to turn around and notice the nice guy
the guy who cared about her all along who would do anything for her
protect her and fight for her no matter what
but no matter what she wouldnt listen
she wanted the bad guy
figured he knew a way to make the  
pain go away
and indeed he did
which made more pain present in those eyes that were once as blue as the ocean
turn as black as the sky on a night there are no stars to look opon
i wanted to tell her all the things growing up i wish i  knew
looking into her eyes i saw that reflection staring back at me and telling myself
"im that little girl that once was you"

and i mean its me and you
two complete opposites  
in the matter of knowing what we want
besides the fact that we want each other
going different ways in life
and wanting different things
having it different ways
but wanting things to stay the same
living with the reality that things might never go back to the way they were
i'm content with the idea of never knowing
and you're consistent that i try and figure it out
figure myself out
but i can't
not right now

wasn't a big deal when i was joking about it
thought they'd never notice
ha
we'd ALL joke about it
"it'll never happen to us"
in the back of my mind,
"it'll never happen to me"
"i'd NEVER do that"
heavens forbid no i'm a good girl
yeah
"who would do that to themselves"
until the day the pain was to strong
and the medicine wasn't enough
and the blade wasn't sharp enough
and not eating wasn't getting you skinny enough
and everyone around you
the one that said they loved you the most
said they'd do ANYTHING for you
now in your mind, the hypocritical ones
telling you they could do nothing to help you
while others walked away without understanding of what was really going on
and you'd sit alone
with the mindset that you'd go nowhere
miserable
wondering how you could help yourself
without the support of no one else but reality of searching everywhere for someone other than yourself
but not finding anyone else but yourself
when you looked in the mirror
and the only word you could imagine to describe yourself
your self esteem
your body
your personality
was hate
went through your mind that you HATED every little thing about yourself
brutal realization isn't enough
you don't KNOW ENOUGH until you've HAD ENOUGH
and come to the realization that the addiction tot he pain will always be enough because your prone to the feeling of what you know
is the pain
you LOVE