i could tell you you’re beautiful
hell, i have before
a lot of times
and you still don’t believe me
and i don’t know why

but that’s a lie
i know exactly why
because i used to think
i was ugly too

i was an ugly girl
with glasses and nobody
noticed me until i starved myself
down to a double zero because
they all kept bullying me for being fat

and now i’m an ugly boy
but that’s okay
because even dead trees have the
ability to nurture beautiful
life out of their stumps

so no, i will not tell you
that you are beautiful because that
word is used so much and has so many
different definitions of what it is
and isn’t that who is to say what
it really even means anymore

because to me
you are so much more than a pretty face
and kind words

you are the sunrise after a bad night
where i thought i would die
before the sun rose above the tree line again

you are the rain after
a scorching hot day that makes it too
hot to wear my binder

you are the forgiveness
after i tried to leave
and still you stayed
even when i kept on
trying to go

you are the food
that i am still learning not to
be ashamed about eating and enjoying
because weight is just a ****** social
construct like so many other things

you are the calm voice
and steady hands
holding my own shaking ones
when you bring me back
from my anxiety attacks
and promise me it will be okay

you are there
you are here
you are
you are
so much more than beautiful

you are my friend
my confidant
the love blossoming behind my ribs
the scars that wounds become
the pain and happiness and tears

you are so much more
than you think you are

.
How I wish I could lay my head
down gently on your thighs,
to make you moan and sigh aloud
and slowly close your eyes.

How I wish I could use my tongue
and give you more than rhyme,
to bring a flush up to your cheek,
of feelings beyond space and time.

How I wish that I could speak
in words of feathered certainty
and so entice your curious mind
to lay down with me for eternity.
.
.
© Pagan Paul (2017)

Tight
  Gutted
    Mind
      Shutted
        Every
           Time
              I Try

Lumped in throat
Grabbed my coat
      
                         And left through the window.

When there is a cloud of sorrow, a poet's pen learns to walk.
When the sorrow intensifies with heavy showers, the pen learns to dance and creates magic.

When peace and tranquility prevails, the poet's pen starts to wamble. It gets difficult for it to take each and every step.
And during the summer of happiness, the pen moves to a corner and suffocates to death.

My coffee was bland, but I was a dreamer.
I crafted my plan like a caffeine-hyped schemer.
To walk to the cabinet, lock in like a magnet,
On the oversized can full of cheap powdered creamer

My heart is simple, my feelings true.
I had no intention of offending you.
Not to shock, neither to stalk,
I simply decided to walk.
My sixth sense warned me not to go
I thought I just say Hello
To silently be a part of your grief
No tears apparent that I could weep.
Words a few, comfort to give.
Basic understandings, that I knew.

My world came toppling at your accusations
That I failed to understand your basic assumptions.

Yes, I do regret, surprising you.
But the greater shock, was seeing you.
Deciding to circumvent, I landed into you.
Not expecting, not realizing,
No benefit of a doubt.

I am the one shocked, I need to take stock
If this is ur attitude, twice I've taken the blame
Suffered the shame and humiliation
Only in loves name

Please do not think I will run from your anxieties.
In fact I will do entirely the opposite.
I will open the door,
I will invite them in,
And I will stand there, strong, steadfast, stouthearted
And I will stare them in the face.
Not for you, but with you, hand in hand.
I will be there at the end of the day to tell you you're amazing.
And that all those things you think make you weak, prove just how strong you are.
I'm not saying we'll move mountains together, I am telling you that despite the rain, the sunshine, the rocky terrain, the laughter, the tears, the heartache, the pain, I will be here, time and time again.
To remind you
That every time you walk into a room, you don't just light it up,
You set it on fire.

I won't ever stop trying to build bridges over the canyons in your soul.

companionship, not compatibility.
i have chosen immobility.
once i lived in instability but now i live
in his advice.

so water melts to ice,
my science trusts the imprecise,
thus in this world,
such comfort will suffice.

thus in this world,
that i created,
my latest, unadulterated:
i will live in shallow vice
i will allow
such comfort to suffice.