Don't look at me like that
because I don't get you at all
I would like to call that a stare of longing
but I'd be lying to myself
Funny how my mind thinks your eyes speak love
when my heart is the one falling

I am currently alone but I keep on thinking "leave me alone"
I am so ******* sad
I don't even know why
I sound like a whiny teenager
I need this to be over
I've been feeling this non-feeling for years now
I don't use the word depressed
because my feelings seems so shallow to be diagnosed as something so real and heavy.
I tell myself that a lot.
I compare my pain to other people's pain and I feel like I don't have the right to be depressed.
I know it's a bad thing to do.
And one thing is, I can never harm myself much less push myself on the verge of death
But I think about it almost every day
Whenever I am allowed to think
I think dangerous thoughts
I think about thinking of dying
I know I'll never do it
but somehow I still wonder
what if
what if
what if

Hello, it's been a while but I still find myself stuck in the same old, same old.
It's been a while but I still find myself wishing for the same thing over and over again.
It's been a while but I still find myself repeat, repeating the same mistakes.
It's been a while but I still feel the same.
It's been a while, nothing changed, you're still a million miles away.

I want to write poems that move mountains and pinch hearts
But I am just a silly girl
Who loves to daydream and not try at all
So ******* hopeless
Always staring far away
Head in the clouds
And there I go again
Sailing through the endless stream of clouds
And I wonder why am I here again
and how did I get here
Oh what was it I was talking about?

The year is almost ending
oh how fast 2016 had been
It almost seems like everything is still the same
Yet a lot of things are different
I haven't written anything for months
and now I feel like a bucket filled with
water from a faucet streaming more,
overflowing and have nowhere else to
go but wherever the ground leads it.
I've been through a lot
Yet still not enough
My mind is filled with thoughts
Yet my heart still feels empty
What a year, this year has been.

I wonder what would it be like when I die
Would I be just another thing to be sorry about and forgotten in a week?
Will they uncover my secrets?
Will they see me in a different light?
Or will it never matter?
Just another face
Just another name
buried on the ground

I know I'm almost getting over you
when I stopped thinking about you
in broad daylight
but when nighttime creeps
and the moon casts it's light upon my window
I think of you again
and how awful it had been to lose you
when I don't even have you in the first place
I think about the way I felt back then
and will I ever feel that way again
for anybody other than you
I try to close my eyes and drift my thoughts to the future
but I only sink further into this black hole in my mind
and now I can't sleep
and my mistakes haunt me
I know I'd be fine in the morning
Funny how the light gives me the impression that I can be new
when every night I am the same old mess

Why does it seem like everything will be easier if I just close my eyes?
I could but my mind won't let me
It creeps up thoughts late at night
to make me anxious
crippling with a headache
not wanting to sleep
but I have to
I feel nauseous
my brain is throbbing like crazy
sleep won't set in
and I'm going mad
but even if I sleep
the nightmares are there
not wanting me to wake up

Words are just words, they say.
It can't break a bone, they say.
But it can break far more than just a bone
It can break relationships and it can break your heart over and over again

It was on the spur of the moment
Didn't mean for it to happen
or maybe I did,
somewhere deep down
Because I need somebody to hold my hand
and you were there
wanting me to hold something more than just your hand
but I can't
we can't go back there
I've already come this far
Don't let me spiral down again
So just hold my hand
Hold it tight

I draw inspiration from every smile you make
from that sweet, sweet voice of yours
come here, I am yours to take.
The sparkle in your eyes speak enough poetry
so let's call it a day
but let me bask in your light
one more time
before I say goodbye.
You thought I didn't see this coming?
You wanted to leave long before you said hello
but I forced my way in
and you drew your sword and said
"be gone by sunlight
but right now, you can kiss me goodnight"

The demon knocked gently at my door
Maybe this time it'll be kind.
I walked to the door and opened it.
"Hello. It's me again. Is anybody there with you?"
"Hi. No. It's just me."
"Will you let me in?"
"Yes. Sure. Feel free to take a seat."
The demon walked in and took a seat.
I walked outside, closed the door and ran as fast as I can.

Maybe I don't really miss you
Maybe I just miss the thought of you
or the feeling I get whenever I'm with you
Maybe I created an illusion of you
because I haven't been with you for a while, my mind decided it was something about you that I miss
But in reality, I am just nostalgic of feeling in love and it's you who I thought I love
I am slowly opening my heart to the truth
You're not what I miss
You're not what I want
I want someone who loves like you,
who has the same music taste as you, who thinks like you,
who smiles like you,
who speaks like you
but not you.
I don't want it to be you.

Why do I feel the constant need
to create something
do something
but at the same time
I always feel like I am too tired
and too anxious to function?

I hope one day I'll find someone who will not leave me even after they got what they wanted from me,
who will always forgive me for the stupid things I say and do.
And I hope one day all the pain people caused me will be worth it.
I hope that day comes fast
Because I'm not sure if I can wait for it any longer

No, I do not want to die
I just want to disappear
From everyone
Who does not love me enough

My thoughts are so loud I'm afraid people can hear them in a quiet room
But the look on their faces say
otherwise
or are they pretending so they could pry more?
or are they thinking the same, looking at my face to see if I could hear their thoughts?
My thoughts are like a ticking time bomb,
a few minutes away from explosion,
a few minutes from disaster.
I'm crawling towards it,
fumbling for the right wire
snapping it just in time for it to stop,
crisis averted for today.

Is it too much for you to take that I'm reaching out so desperately?
So you took me, touched me and kissed me like I'm yours.
Then I asked you to hold me like you love me, like you need me, like I'm everything you ever wanted
We're only here for tonight
And I wanted to feel that you're mine
'Cause tomorrow we'll be strangers.

I'm a bad poet
I write my feelings down not knowing where it might end up
I overthink every thing
I try to feel but mostly, I just write when I'm sad
And sad is such an ugly feeling
I'm so quick to start
But so hesitant to end 'cause I don't know how

No one knows what I knew, what I did and what I saw
No one understands what I felt, what I thought and what I've been through
No one noticed the pain, the tears, and the empty stares
No one felt the struggle, the rejection and the strangeness
They only saw smiles, faults and failures
They only heard hellos, laughters and corny jokes
They only saw what they wanted to see
They only listened to what they wanted to hear
They only said what they think I needed to hear
Cause they did not want anything more.

I find myself finding it harder to sleep at night
I can't help thinking maybe it's the light
I turn it off
and my mind creates images you can only see in the dark
I turn it back on
and my thoughts go on and on
I toss and turn
and close my eyes
I can hear the clock ticking as time flies
I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling
please let me sleep, I am more than willing
For a while I can feel myself drifting away
Hello sleep, I'm on my way
But the voices
The lights
They won't let me sleep
Playing in my mind like an eager child
I'm ragged
Weary
Drowing in my own thoughts
I close my eyes and try again
I can feel daytime crawling on my window
I need more time, I wish I could borrow

you can't hold on to what isn't yours
you can't hold on to what doesn't want to be yours
you can't hold on to something that isn't there
you can't hold on too lightly
you can't hold on too tight
everything that you have
and everything that you wish you have
are never the same
you'll never learn
until it's too late
appreciate what you have
even if that means all you have to appreciate
is yourself

why not write a poem
about feasts and celebrations
instead of heartaches
and deaths

are joyful words
not as beautiful
as those that express
sadness

why rip someone's heart
out of their chest
through sad poems and
sad songs

maybe i don't understand
or maybe i do
when we're all alone
we tend to cling to things that take the pain away

writing is a cure
'cause finding the right words
to describe the way you feel
can save you

four nineteen a.m.
your thoughts
are blurring your eyes

four twenty a.m.
you tell yourself
a sleep would sound so nice

four twenty-one a.m.
you look out your window
wishing to be watching the sun rise as you lay down in the meadow

four twenty-two a.m.
you climb back to your bed
hushing the voices inside your head

four twenty-three a.m.
you whisper your prayers
wishing they'd be heard

four twenty-four a.m.
you're pretty sure
you're hearing a chirp of a little bird

four twenty-five a.m.
you let darkness take over
as you finally close your eyes

four twenty-six a.m.
you drift away
without saying goodbye

love is a lie
love is what eats your thoughts up at 2am
love is what makes you curl up in your bed with tears smeared on your pillows and blanket
love is what makes you do things you've promised yourself you'll never do
love is what you build yourself around with and when it's gone it makes you want to disappear too
love is what you throw up after a night full of alcohol and hazy memories
love is what leaves you when you already feel so alone
love is what makes your heart beat fast and knees weak
love is what keeps you from loving yourself more
love is what tears you apart just from listening to that song that once meant the world to you
love is what you make out of it
love is what makes you human
and we are liars

my mind is as empty as the sheets that i lay on every night that you're not with me
just spend another day with me and i'd be ecstatic again
i'd love to feel those arms around me again like we used to
but it feels like i've changed
and so did you
can we make things better
don't let this be the end
i know i need to straighten myself up 'cause i feel like i've always been messing things up

an empty space
used to be filled with memories
of laughter and smiles
now they're erased

a holed heart
aching from pity
we feel now and then
we thought we were smart

the gap between us
it's so big
we can't help not to cry
our humble hearts to sleep

the way your eyes twinkle at night
the way your lips move as you whisper at night
the way your hair dances with the air
i love that smile that you always wear

the way your hand touches mine
the way your shoulders sag when you're not fine
the way your fingers twirl my hair
i love your skin, always so simple, so bare

i notice everything
but you don't
i know 'cause i see it in your eyes
but i don't care

everything about you is real
wonderful and different
i hope that you know that i love you
for what you are

i wanna run
start a riot
do something crazy
for just pure fun
but i'm too busy
messing myself up

i wanna go to the beach
roll up on sand
take pictures of the scenery
that was stretched infront of me

i wanna see the city lights
as they twinkle at night
go biking in the dark
not caring about anything at all

in the end of all these adventures
i know i'll still go back to one thing
'cause i'm stuck to it
like an insect caught on a spider web

home is where my heart belongs
i might leave
but my heart is there all along

beginnings are as hard as the endings
when everything is pitch black
you don't know where to start
you don't know where to hold when you're about to fall
but sooner or later you will find the light
that will lead you out if the darkness and guide you through the night
starting over maybe such a mess
but at least it will turn to something wonderful